Published on February 17th, 2014 | by Isaac3
Reluctant Anime Reviews: Dragon Crisis!
We here at The Website of DOOM pride ourselves on being at the cutting edge of pop culture. Our staff handpicks and laboriously crafts the quality content that reaches your computer monitor. However, researchers in the lab have found we have a deficiency in anime-focused content. This is mostly because a lot of anime is creepy, and nobody at DOOM wants to go near it. Fortunately, “want” has nothing to do with our new project. We drafted (read: forced) resident hermit, and part-time artist Isaac to watch anime. The programs will be selected at random using a highly sophisticated process, and he will be forced to watch them from beginning to end, no matter how weird they are, how uncomfortable they make him feel, or how likely it is the police will show up at his door. After his viewings, he will provide us with an article reviewing the program he just watched.
This is a series we like to call… RELUCTANT ANIME REVIEWS
Reluctant Anime Reviews: Dragon Crisis!
…For the last 40 minutes, I’ve attempted to write this opening paragraph over and over again. In countless rewrites, I’ve attempted to make fun of Dragon Crisis! as best I could. I’ve poked fun at how none of the characters are likable… or even really characters. I’ve made light of its hideously mishandled excuse for a plot. I tried to express the exact feelings of discomfort and physical pain I had watching this anime. But nothing does it justice. No matter what I say, it still stands there: a towering monolith of garbage and undulating breasts. So, I’m not even going to try here, I’ll just go into the review proper. Buckle up, this is Dragon Crisis!
Ryuji Kisaragi is a normal Jr. High school boy, or as normal as one can be with the personality of a brick. Ryuji is living his own life, when one day, his feisty second-cousin Eriko Nanao arrives unexpectedly at his school, and drags him off. The two set off to intercept some cargo being moved by an organization named Fang. Eriko believes it to be a “Lost Precious:” a vague magical/ paranormal item that does …stuff. More specifically, Eriko believes it to be an S Class, which means “Good” on the widely known Lost Precious Grading Scale. Ryuji and Eriko steal the item, but soon find out it’s not an artifact in the box, but a young girl! This girl appears to be normal, but in all actuality is a dragon, and seems to be incredibly fond of Ryuji. Eriko and Ryuji bring the girl back to their apartment, and name her Rose because of the rose-shaped red scales on her left hand. The next day, the trio goes to the unnamed society that collects and studies Lost Preciouses. Apparently, Ryuji’s parents are powerful “Breakers” and renowned Lost Precious hunters. Ryuji himself is a level 10 Breaker, one of eight in the known world. What are Breakers? Hell if I know. Later, we learn that Ryuji saw Rose hatch ten years ago in Albania, and she saved his life. After that… and I cannot use this term loosely enough: Hijinks ensue.
Dragon Crisis! is a “Harem” anime. What this means is the show revolves around a cardboard Mary Sue main character that is surrounded by good-looking women who are inexplicably attracted to him. This “harem” includes the 10 YEAR OLD (but she has a 14 year-old’s body, so it’s fine, I guess) Rose; a shy classmate named Misaki Eto; Maruga: the empress of the white dragons; A wolf-girl named Ai, and an eccentric researcher named Bianca. Aside from those descriptions, these characters have no depth: they are nothing but fantasy fodder for the viewer. The main antagonist of the series, a black dragon named Onyx, is a boring, generic mess incapable of provoking any response from the audience. In addition, the villains of the one-off stories and short arcs are equally uninspired and dull. No one in this show is likable, interesting, or even a real character. They all feel like paper cutouts glued to popsicle sticks and waved in front of a backdrop, making kissy noises and adolescent boob-jokes.
On the topic of boob-jokes, the fanservice in Dragon Crisis! is plentiful, excessive, and of course, CREEPY AS HELL. As an ecchi (sexy/ sexual innuendo-laden) series this is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean it’s OK. I would seriously feel more comfortable watching pornography than this. The laboriously crafted angles of teenage girls’ bodies that just avoid getting the show an “Adult” rating feel voyeuristic and dirty, and the lack of any moderation just beats the viewer into uncomfortable submission.
Remember how I mentioned “Lost Preciouses” and “Breakers” earlier? Wanna know what they are? So do I! The show doesn’t tell you. You eventually kind of figure it out through context, but there is no explanation as to what they are, how common they are, or even if the public knows about them. Though what I pieced together through the course of 7 or so episodes is this: Lost Preciouses are rare paranormal artifacts (possessed by people’s souls) that do whatever the plot demands of them. Lost Preciouses that are possessed by evil spirits become Cursed Preciouses: evil items that do evil things. For Evil! Breakers are apparently gifted people that can awaken the power of Lost Preciouses. How? Because screw you. The higher level Breaker you are, the more powerful Lost Preciouses you can use. Or that’s what I think. Again, it’s never explained. I can appreciate to an extent letting your viewer figure out a few things in the plot, so you don’t have to waste time explaining it. However, that only works with one or two minor details. The audience is expected to just accept too many things in the show, and never gets an answer for all the questions that are brought up. It’s like the writers locked themselves in a room, and just yelled “NOT LISTENING!” to any protests brought up. Here’s how I imagine them explaining the plot to anyone:
“There are these magical artifacts!”
“Yeah, seems pretty standard…”
“And there are only a few people who can use them!”
“And dragons look like people!”
“…Except when they need to look like dragons, of course. Then they transform.”
“Oh, so it’s like a deception thing, so they can live with humans peacefully?”
“No, they hatch looking like teenagers… and they hate humans!”
“…that may be the dumbest/ creepiest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m leaving now.”
“Why are you running away?!?”
It’s like the plot was an afterthought. Just an excuse to move Ryuji to the next “Waifu of the Week.” And it comes off as exploitative, offensive, and insulting. Nothing in this show makes any sense. It’s all bubblegum vomit slapped haphazardly over a flimsy frame. The fanservice may fool teenage boys and creepy adults into thinking they are watching something that is actually coherent or decent, but if the thought of half-naked teenage girls doesn’t appeal to you, there’s nothing here. In fact, the opening credits tell you everything you need to know about Dragon Crisis! It’s trite fluff for sexually frustrated men.
(…in all honesty: that song is pretty good, but the rest is literally ANIME: THE OPENING)
Honestly, I found myself more interested in the Lost Preciouses and society of Breakers than any of the hamfisted romance or drama. If the show was nothing but people hunting down Lost Preciouses, and being goofy, I might have liked it. In fact, I wanted to watch “The Adventures of Ryuji’s Parents.” Just the Mom and Dad wandering the world, gathering artifacts and kicking ass. That would have rocked. They both get maybe a combined 30 seconds of screen time, and you don’t see their faces; but in that time, they left more of an impression than anyone else in the show. Indifference is better to the seething hatred every other character gets.
Dragon Crisis! is all the worst parts of anime rolled up into a ball, bound with a pretty pink ribbon, and thrown at the genitals of anybody unfortunate enough to watch it. Words cannot describe how devoid of any meaning or purpose this show is. There is no reason for it to exist, and it makes me sad that money and talent was wasted on this trash. Nothing is redeeming about Dragon Crisis! It is a pitiful excuse for entertainment.
I’m Isaac, and this has been a Reluctant Anime Review.