Gotham is a prequel series, not tying into any future cinematic universe DC is trying to build but as a general mythos builder. Kinda sounds like Smallville, and there are a fair few similarities in that respect but hopefully we won’t have anything nearly that rubbish.

“I moustache you a question.”

Ben McKenzie (best known for his lead role in The O.C.) is playing a fresh-faced Jim Gordon, assigned to the high profile murder case of Thomas and Martha Wayne. From what little we see, this Jim is a bit rough and tumble, a war veteran and shows the makings of the Jim Gordon we know.

A load of Bullocks

Donal Logue (Sons of Anarchy, Vikings) is Harvey Bullock, Jim’s new partner and seeming mentor as he’s got a couple years on him at least.

Something fishy about her…

Jada Pinkett Smith (Yes, Will Smith’s wife) plays Fish Mooney, a rather oddly named original character, as far as I can tell. Never heard the name before and if she is a DC character, she is VERY obscure. Mooney is a sadistic crime boss.

“Why do we fall, Master Bruce?”

What could be the biggest flaw in this show is the introduction of younger versions of established DC characters. Most importantly, a young Bruce Wayne. The young actor is David Mazouz and, unfortunately, I’ve never seen anything he’s been in but he seems to get what a young Bruce Wayne would sound like. We don’t see him in the trailer but apparently Sean Pertwee will play Alfred and after Michael Caine’s performance, I’m looking forward to more funny British butlers.

Muppet Babies

This is where I start to worry about these younger characters. A young Oswald Cobblepot? Sure, I can buy that. Edward Nygma as a GCPD forensic scientist? Ehhhhh, okay… Tween Selina Kyle in a psuedo-Catwoman attire sneaking around Wayne Manor? Hey, that’s a little on the nose there, pal. Baby Poison Ivy?

No, fuck right off, that’s stupid. She wasn’t even shown in any other part of the trailer just “Before Posion Ivy” and cut to a little blond girl watering plants. Even JL8 has more subtlety than that.

Overall, I’ll give Gotham a shot. If Arrow has taught me anything, it’s that DC shows can work out and be really damn good. This could be the closest thing we’ll get to seeing a Gotham Central TV show and I know a fair few DOOM staffers would love to see that happen. Then again, this is Fox so we’re all expecting this to get cancelled, right? Gotham should be hitting our screens later this year.

I’m known amongst my peers as somewhat of a Ninja Turtles connoisseur, so my merciful overlord Aaron has graciously allowed me to cover it for this new installment of Tease Me, Baby.  And truthfully I’ve been waiting for a long while to cover this.  Ever since this movie was announced way back when and Michael BayBLAAA!!@#@#$*KILLRAPECHILDHOODBLAAAAAARRGH!!!

….Sorry, that seems to be the general reaction most people have to his name….and Michael Bay was attached as PRODUCER.  Not director, though this trailer does have a few certain Bayisms.  Needless to say I’ve been curious as to what this movie was gonna look like.  I try not to cry suck at movies before I see them, but with the inclusion of the guy who directed Cash of the Titans being at the helm, I’ve adjusted my expectations accordingly.  But enough jibba jabba, let’s dive into this shell-first.

–WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU MISS O’NEIL

Here we have multi-time Academy Award viewer Megan Fox playing TMNT mainstay April O’Neil.  Her attachment, too, was met with similar rage, but honestly I think she’ll do okay.  April’s role has never been too complex and layered, especially if they’re going by the old cartoon which it looks like they are given that she’s a reporter in the flick.  She’s feisty, adventurous, loyal, and get’s kidnapped a lot.  From all the behind the scenes stills she seemed to be enjoying herself, and reportedly she lobbied hard to get the role, so as long as there’s some personality injected into it, she’ll be fine.  Besides, it’s the Turtles we came to see, so they should carrying the lions share of the film.  Speaking of which…

-THE TURTLES PUCKER UP

Here’s our first true look at the Green Machines in full motion.  From what little we saw, their personalities remain intact (Thank God).  The real differences come in their physical appearances.  These Turtles are…jacked.  They’re big, bigger than ever.  Traditionally they’ve never gone past 5’10, but these Turtles tower over humans and make big thud noises when they land, which given the new origin (which we’ll get to in a bit) and producer, it makes “sense”.  They’ve also seemed to have taken a cue from the new TMNT cartoon and given the Turtles different body types.  Leo has the typical hero physique, Raph is more muscular,  Don is the tallest and lanky, and Mikey is the shortest.  That I really like.  The Turtles also have different attire.  I’m guessing that was done to make them even more distinct than incarnations in the past.  Given that we’ve seen literally thousands of Turtles figures of them wearing battle armor, sports gear, farmer overalls, etc…this isn’t anything new.  Onto the face, the Turtles have…*GASP* LIPS!  …Has the world ended yet?  Nope?  Yeah, go figure.  Honestly the lips aren’t a problem.  I can’t say this for sure, but I’m guessing the lips just made the mouth movements a lot easier to animate.  A human-like mouth is definitely easier to manipulate than a turtles beak.  So the lips, not an issue.  The nose, on the other hand, just looks dumb.  I don’t know why they did this.

-THE FOOT GO COMMANDO

This seems to be a holdover from that god awful script that leaked a year ago.  The Foot are less ninjas now and more black ops soldiers.  Which as I stated before, given the new origin and producer it makes…”sense”

-TURNING JAPANESE…I DON’T THINK SO

So yeah, The Shredder, traditionally Japanese archenemy to the Turtles and Splinter, here is played by traditionally NOT Japanese actor William Fichtner.  This was the bit of casting that made me scratch my head.  But at least the good sense not to put him in yellowface.  He’s playing a new iteration of the character named Eric Sachs.  By the look of that painting he seems to be inspired by the Japanese, though…

Cool armor, bro.

-THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY DON’T ACTUALLY CHANGE ALL THAT MUCH

So the biggest reveal of the trailer is that the Turtles, who look to still be mutants and not aliens so put your pitchforks down, nerds, owe their existence to Sachs and *DUN DUN DUUUUUN* April’s Dad!  This new origin…isn’t really THAT new.  At least if you paid too much attention to the TMNT franchise like certain people that totally aren’t me.  I have a life….

…

Shredder being responsible for the Turtles creation isn’t at all surprising seeing as how he’s always been either directly or indirectly responsible for their existences in every incarnation.  Hell, in the 1987 cartoon he was the one who exposed them to the mutagen (which this movie correctly labels as TCRI and not TGRI).  As for April’s dad being involved, yeah that’s an interesting little twist, though the new IDW comic has seemingly beat them to that, at least in terms of getting it out there.   When it comes to new origins, nothing gets more radical that the IDW comic origin (which involves genetic modification and reincarnation), so this one in the movie is pretty par for the course.  What this doesn’t explain is how Splinter fits into this.  I’m mentally preparing myself for the possibly levels of stupidity this may go to.

-COOL, BUT RUDE

Like I said before, the Turtles personalities seem to be in tact.  There’s a nice little bit where Don whips Raph shell first into a truck in their way, yelling “BATTER UP” beforehand.  This is good indication we’ll get some classic Turtle wisecracks going.  Which is a relief.  They should not try to go full on serious with this.

-OH HAI, BAYCOPTER

It wouldn’t be a Michael Bay joint, produced or otherwise, without his gratuitous military porn and…

BAYSTRUCTION!

What is interesting is that we don’t see what’s actually causing the destruction.  Which could either be saved for a future big reveal, or it might just be that in Michael Bay’s world things randomly blow up.

I’m guessing the latter.

————————————————————————————–

Overall: The extreme secrecy of the movie all this time had me worried, but this new trailer gives off…very slight hope.  As long as they have a good balance of action and comedy, they’ll be able to capture the feel of the original Turtles cartoon nicely.  It’s easy and understandable to be apprehensive about this, and you should, but there’s always hope.  As long as the movie is at least dumb fun, it’s done it’s job.

But above all else remember this, the Turtles have been around for 30 years now.  This movie won’t kill the franchise no matter how sucky it may turn out.

One of my first Tease Me, Baby! articles was for Transformers: Dark of the Moon and oh what a difference hindsight makes. I paid to see every live-action Transformers movie in the cinema and I deeply regret it. They were okay movies except for Revenge of The Fallen, but I just can’t stomach to watch them again. I got my hopes up every time only for them to be dull as dishwater and with great installments of the franchise since (Such as the animated Transformers: Prime and IDW’s More Than Meets the Eye comic book) the idea of MORE Bayformers leaves me decidedly un-hyped. But I covered the last one so it falls to me to review this formulaic, trope-y nonsense. Here’s the trailer:

Marky-Mark and the Funky-Bots

If nothing else, this movie might just be watchable because of Mark Wahlberg. He’s a damn fine actor and his character name is Cade Yaeger, which is the most awesome protagonist name since Bolt Vanderhuge. His character is a widowed father and a struggling inventor, which instantly makes him a 100 times more interesting than the stuttering plagerist, Shia LeBeouf.

Generic Female Lead #113

American flag! Take a drink! This is Nicola Peltz, our designated totty for the movie. She’s Cade’s daughter and dates another character played by Jack Reynor and that is all anyone knows about her. NEXT!

“My name is Leonard Church and you will fear my LASER FACE!”

This is Lockdown, Decepticon bounty hunter and licensed gun-face owner. That’s so stupid that I actually kind of like it.

BaySPLOSIONS!

Take a drink!

RULES OF NATURE!

Okay, I’m not made of stone, this scene is pretty fucking hype. Optimus Prime fighting a rampaging Grimlock in dino mode. But given Bay’s previous statements of “Dinobots are teh dumb”, I’m worried about how they’ll be handled. Then again, I’m worried about how ANY character that isn’t Prime or Bumblebee will be handled.

So, yeah, a new Bayformers trilogy begins here and I’m about as apathetic as you can get. You can expect to see Transformers: Age of Extinction in cinemas from June 27th 2014.

I’m certainly hooked on a feeling and it’s the feeling I’ve had ever since this movie was announced and that feeling was that this would easily become my favourite of the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies. Why? Well, I’ll get into that but check out the trailer and then we’ll talk about that.

The Guardians of The Galaxy in this movie are obviously based on the second team of the same name. In the comics, they were formed by Star-Lord as a proactive response to galactic threats, made up of ex-cons, space magicians, assassins and a celestial madonna. During their tenure, they’ve fought mad kings, the space-church, and the eldritch abominations of the Cancerverse. They were an absolutely great team and they’re one of my personal favourite team books in the Marvel stable so what do I think of the jump to silver screen?

The Dashing Rogue

Despite humble appearances, Star-Lord is the leader of this merry band of misfits. A child of the 80’s who hasn’t been back to Earth since then. Accompanied by his trusty walkman (his only connection to his home), Peter Quill finds his purpose amongst the Guardians. I don’t know Chris Pratt other than his roles in this and The LEGO Movie but I’m really digging him, he’s a funny dude so I suppose I should watch Parks and Rec, right?

The Assassin(s)

Gamora is the adoptive daughter of Thanos (the purple, chinny geezer from The Avengers) and is an absolute badass in all ways. Zoe Saldana is no stranger to sci-fi nor playing sexy space women, having previously played Uhurua in Star Trek and swapping the blue hues of Avatar‘s Neytiri for green. I’d use this space to also talk about Drax but apart from having a boner for vengeance, he’s never really been an interesting character and he’s being played by shite-bag Royal Rumble winner Batista. Highlight of the trailer for him was getting a one-armed choke spot from Ronan The Accuser.

The DPS and The Tank

Okay, okay, I’m done with the D&D analogies but seriously, each member of this team serves a particular function and these two are no exception. By far two of the most bizarre and outstanding members of the Guardians are Rocket Racoon and Groot; one a genetic experiment that created a tiny furry sociopath and the other is Groot. Bradley Cooper will be the voice of Rocket and I think that’s a fine choice, even though we don’t hear him speak in the trailer. Vin Diesel provides the voice and motion capture for Groot, a sentient tree-like creature who usually speaks only three words “I am Groot” but his meaning is always known by the crew (or they’re just casting their own ideas about what he says onto him.) The two have a genuine friendship in the comics and I’d like to see that play out.

Nebulous Villains

My biggest desire for this movie was that they flesh out the Marvel Cinematic Universe in a more literal sense. We’ve seen what Earth has to offer but now we get to see some intergalactic baddies! Nebula is played by former Doctor’s Companion Karen Gillen. She appears to be just as much an assassin as Gamora and Gillen has alluded to a “complex” relationship with Gamora. Other villains include Korath the Pursuer (played by Djimon Hounsou), Yondu (Michael Rooker) and Lee Pace as Ronan the Accuser.

Sound of the Police! Whoop-whoop-whoop!

Not only are we getting an all-star team of good guys fighting an all-star team of bad guys, we also get an all-star team of other folks thrown in for good measure! The Nova Corps are an intergalactic police force and have some serious acting chops in their ranks. Glenn Close will be portraying Nova Prime Rael while John C Reilly is Rhomann Dey and Peter Serafinowicz another Nova Corps officer. Brilliant!

So that’s Guardians of The Galaxy and I am hyped! One of my favourite teams, backed by this immense cast and a damn good director shows that despite being the wild card for phase two, Marvel isn’t doing it half-cocked. It’s fully embracing the sci-fi and the silliness and will no doubt be a big hit with the fans. With mainstream audiences however? I dunno. Wait and see. Guardians of the Galaxy will be released August 1, 2014.

Friends, Doomites, countrymen and women and those of other countries as well, let us discuss Ender’s Game. I first read Ender’s Game about fifteen years ago. It was suggested by a friend and I had little to no expectations from it, as the two of us did not always share the same tastes in entertainment. Imagine my surprise then, when I got a story of a young boy who, in order to stop himself from bulling, created a whole new way to think of combat and warfare. It presented a government so burned by an act of violence that it spent every resource it had, including it’s children to such a thing from ever happening again. As an American living in a world before our government spent over a decade of war based on a single act of violence, it seemed fantastical indeed and was written well enough to sweep me into narrative and it’s tale of Ender Wiggin.

Time has passed now, and as I stated, the idea of an obsessive government is not as far fetched as it once was, and the author of Ender’s Game has turned out to be a horrible homophobic dickbag that goes out of his way to repress the rights of humans that he disagrees with. Personally, I am not sure I can be swept away in this story anymore, but I still am hopeful that a movie that has lived in development hell for almost two decades can still make me care about the story again.

Let’s watch that traler..

Hoo Boy. Well, that happened. Here are some thoughts:

– Captain So Low

I imagine Harrison Ford felt a little odd standing at the exact same window that Luke, Leia, R2-D2, and C-3PO were standing at when they went to go find his frozen ass.

– Whose Movie Is It, Anyway?

Thank heavens Tony Stark made his new armor so…spacious. I always felt claustrophobic watching those other suits.

– Gotta Catch ‘Em All

Seriously people, pick a movie to steal from! I think this shot is stolen from JJ Abrams Star Trek!

– It’s Ending Time!

At last we have found the secret breeding ground of the Mighty Power Ranger. Look at them in their natural habitat. I have always wanted to watch them graze. Oh, look one in the back looks almost ready to start morphin’ soon!

– Jeebus, My Freakin’ Eyes!

This probably upsets me the most. This training room is where many of the key moments in this film should happen. It is in this room Ender finds a whole new way of thinking. I ask you, can you tell what shit is in this room. Imagine the inevitable 3-D…It is over saturated with CGI and your eyes can’t focus on anything. Didn’t we learn anything from George Lucas? Too many effects look cheap, simple.

Look at the difference between Pan’s Labyrinth and Attack Of The Clones, which one stays with you?

I rest my case.

—————————————————————————————————-

Overall: So it looks like the guy who last gave us Wolverine Origins is giving us a by the numbers regurgitation of every sci-fi film that has come out in the last 5-10 years. Hooray.

I want to be wrong, I want to love it, but this preview looks sterile, and vapid.

How sad.

Remember when GI Joe: Retaliation was going to be a big fun summer romp earlier this year and then preceded to not happen? Yeah, it bummed me out too! This summer had some heavy competition so I could understand delaying ‘til around now to release it but a whole 9 months? No one wanted a 3D conversion and we certainly didn’t want more Channing Tatum but what can you do? That’s what we’re getting and we’re being forced to wait for it. Go back read the original TMB for the majority of my thoughts because this one will be looking at some of the new details coming from this trailer.

[Insert “Joe” Pun Here]

Seriously, in a movie with Dwayne Johnson and Bruce Willis, who was clamouring for more of Tatum’s Duke? No one, but because he’s exploded in popularity with movies like 21 Jump Street and Magic Mike, they wanted to add more scenes and keep him alive instead of killing him with a snake through the heart. Wait, that’s how he was going to die in the ‘86 animated movie, before they changed THAT as well. They just can’t kill Duke!

New World Ordeal

President Zartan, after calling for the death of the GI Joe team, installs Cobra as the new peace-keeping force, which is so ludicrous and blatantly evil that I have to applaud the writers for doing it. It’s 80’s cartoon evil and fits perfectly with the general theme of GI Joe. That’s what I loved about the original movie, it took the campiest aspects of the cartoon and played them straight and it results in a hilariously tongue-in-cheek watch and I hope that continues with this movie, which I think it will.

Doomsday Weapon du jour

Continuing the outlandish sci-fi weaponry of the first movie, we’re introduced to a satellite that can wipe out whole cities and President Zartan is more than willing to prove it as he takes out London. This takes the Paris sequence and dials it up to eleven.

Two Best Friends Play

I love the dynamic between Johnson and Willis. I’d love to see this movie and it’s just these two trading quips throughout every action sequence. I especially love the scene in one of the previous trailers where they go to Willis’s house and he pulls a gun on them and makes a girl scout cookie quip. It’s so John McClane!

GI Joe: Retaliation looks to be a fun action movie and I will be there on March 29 in 2013. YO, JOE!

We’re finally getting our first look at the post-Avengers movies and first up is Iron Man 3! It’s an action-packed roller coaster of a trailer. It seems to be a severe departure to the previous movies, with a darker tone, heavier plot and more bang for your buck! Granted, this is only a teaser but it’s unrelenting in it’s drama and surprise. Let’s take a look!

Oh god. It was worth the wait!

He’s no snow angel.
The trailer hits the ground, literally, with a thump as Tony lands in the snow with his ass freshly beaten. Proclaiming he has a lot of apologies to make, it seems that despite being on a high at the end of Avengers, we may see Tony hit his lowest point. Perhaps this has to do with his brush with death? And I bet Cap’s words are ringing in his head right now. “Big man in a suit of armour. Take that away and what are you?” I’m sure we’ll find out, in more ways than one.

Real American Hero
Don Cheadle is back playing Colonel James Rhodes and the War Machine armour seems to have had some spit and polish added to it. Makes sense, I mean, you can’t have your own armoured avenger with a name like “War Machine” so he appears to be adopting the “Iron Patriot” moniker. Whether this is voluntary or a begrudging order, only time will tell.

Lesson One
The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley) is gunning for Tony in a big bad way, ordering a bunch of tooled-up news helicopters to destroy Tony’s house! Kingsley is a little too Bane in this trailer but hopefully that’s just a coincidence. The internet is abuzz with that stuffed bunny in the living room though. I don’t know why it’s there either.

The Suit and I are One

That line is really going to come and bite him in the ass, much like the “Big man in a suit of armour” line. This is the highlight of the trailer for me. I love these shots because they remind me so much of the storyline in which Tony’s armour becomes sentient and then possessive of him, which is the vibe I’m getting here. Mask in The Iron Man was the first trade paperback I ever picked up and will always hold a special place with me.

The internet collectively creamed it’s pants when this trailer hit and I truly hope this movie lives up to the hype. There’s so many elements and nods to storylines in this movie that I hope the web of awesome doesn’t unravel. Iron Man 3 will be hitting the big screen April 2013.

The Dark Knight Returns is the seminal work of Frank Miller. The groundbreaking graphic novel that inspired a generation of fans and a multitude of movies and spin-offs. For many, this is the definitive Batman story and Frank Miller is without reproach. Yeah, that’s not gonna wash with me. Let’s check out the trailer for The Dark Knight Returns, Part One!

Words cannot give weight to the contempt I have for Frank Miller. Like Alan Moore, Ol’ Frankie lost his goddamn mind and hasn’t been well since. But while Moore can be insufferably pretentious, he’s not as outwardly offensive or bigoted as Ol’ Frankie.

But I’m not here to speak about him because I’ll rant all day. No, we’ve got some animated goodness to look over, so let’s get to it.

Boys Knight In

Maybe it’s because I was a fan of Batman Beyond but the thought of an old Bruce Wayne without a Terry McGinness to take up the cowl makes me sad. Still, if this movie is going to have a redeeming feature, it’s going to be in Bruce’s voice actor. So, who we got? Kevin Conroy? Bruce Greenwood? …Peter Weller….. Wait? Peter F***ING Weller? Robocop is Batman!? Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! He seems to be pulling off a good performance from what little we see. SOLD.

Obligatory Cover Shot!

*Hums the Danny Elfman score*

“Jinkies, Batman!”

Oh, c’mon! I had to! Ariel Winter is voicing Carrie Kelly/Robin. She sounds alright but all we hear her say is her name and codename. Some good animation for her though.

Hey, Bebop! Where’s Rocksteady?

Here’s the leader of the Mutants. Unfortunately, there’s no heroes in a half-shell to contend with so Batman earns his ire. He’s a really boring design but he’s voiced by Uncle Ruckus (Gary Anthony Williams) so it’s not all bad!

In the end, I’ll watch it because I’ve watched all of the DC Animated Movies up to this point but it’s not hyping me up as much as Under The Red Hood or many other DCAU movies. If you want to give your opinion on the trailer, be sure to leave a comment below!

The Dark Knight Returns, Part One is available on DVD and Blu-Ray September 25, while Part 2 is set for spring 2013

Behind Blue Eyes

Bond seems to be suffering from PTSD and settles it by going jogging! Maybe. I dunno, the trailer reveals little. The mention of “Skyfall” does elicit a response from a shell-shocked Bond but we shall have to wait to see what that really entails. Maybe he fell in love again, who knows.

For Queen and Country

The attack on MI6 really does take its toll and whatever caused it is tied to M (Dame Judi Dench’s 7th consecutive role in the franchise) and the mysterious Skyfall. I think.

Worst. Tunnel of Love. Ever.

So some part of the film takes place in China! Exotic!

Generic Villain Shot #402: Burning Orphanage

It could be an orphanage and it could be the villain, it’s not like the trailer is giving anything away!

And that’s Skyfall! To be honest, I wouldn’t have guessed at what the plot is by the trailer had I not looked it up. It’s a tough trailer to do this article for but it looks like Bond, smells like Bond and tastes like a martini, shaken not stirred.

Skyfall is set to be released in the UK on 26 October 2012. This article will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

Oh my word, this week is all about the invasion of Earth, isn’t it? But unlike the return of the Nazis, we’re looking at something far more insidious and dangerous in the latest Mass Effect 3 cinematic trailer, Take Back Earth.

God damn, am I excited for Mass Effect 3 after this. The original cinematic teaser got me hyped and this continues the tradition. I’ll not say much and just leave you to watch the trailer for yourself first.

 
Wanna watch it again? I’ll wait….

You good? Pants freshly changed? Aces. Wasn’t that awesome?! That was awesome.

Pew-Pew-Pew!

This little girl is having tons of fun with her toy Alliance Fighter (Which I totally want.)

Lost Innocence

The darkening sky and the reflection of the Reaper in the child’s eye is a really good shot.

Global War

Oh snap! The Reaper sequences are just the first attack on Earth and it’s truly devastating.

Now you’ve done it.

In the scorched fields, Shepard picks up the little girl’s toy and the anger in his face as he sees the Husks is glorious. As he rips through the Reapers’ ground forces with his assembled army, his cold determination really sells how personal this struggle is and then he sees the Brutes.

Keeyaaawwww!

The climax of the trailer is Shepard literally launching himself at the Brutes, Omni-Blade in hand. F*** YEAH!

———————-

Man, oh, man! This is a brilliant trailer (and I believe our first video game trailer for Tease Me, Baby!) and I cannot wait for this game’s release. Mass Effect 3 will be released March 6, 2012 in North America, March 8, 2012 in Australia, and March 9, 2012 in Europe.