Anyway, like I said, we have here the trailer for the sequel to 2014’s financially successful and critically….less successful: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Produced by Michael “Boom Boom” Bay and this time directed by Earth to Echo’s Dave Green, the second installment in this new TMNT movie franchise stars Megan Fox, Brian Tee, Arrow’s Steven Amell, and Tyler Perry’s Tyler Perry.  The movie features both returning faces and brand new faces (well, brand new to the movie).

Listen, we’ve heard all the criticisms; and while I’m generally more forgiving of it, I wasn’t the biggest fan of the first movie.  It did more things wrong than right, so understandably, there’s some trepidation going into this new outing.  So let’s take a look at the trailer and see if there’s even a glimmer of potential here.

…………..

OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD THATWASTHEGREATETSFUCKINGTHINGSI’VEEVERSEENIN…….

….sorry, I’ll take it down a notch.  Let’s break it down shall we.

• THIS HAS ME X-STATIC

Sorry, bad pun, get used to it.  I know this looks like unused footage from Avengers, but giant portals in the sky and flying alien craft could only mean one this in the TMNT universe…DIMENSION X!  They teased this in the first movie and now it looks like they’re delivering on what we’ve been waiting for  for over 20 years now, Krang in a TMNT movie.  As for those flying ships, I’ve heard interesting theories that they may not be ships, but in fact smaller pieces that will combine to form the Technodrome!  Oh hell yes.

• “Y’ALL GOT JOKES, HUH”

The first TMNT movie was…kind of a mess tonally.  It looks like it started off more gritty and serious, but somewhere along the way, the decision was made to make it lighter and comedic.  Being that it was a hodge-podge of different scripts, that’s kind of understandable.  But this movie seems to be settled on a more fun and colorful tone, which is fine by me seeing as how the more humorous elements were the best parts of the first movie.  TMNT always works best when it’s not taking itself too serious, and this movie has sewer-lid launching trucks and mutant rhino riding a tank through water to shoot at mutant Turtle men.  They’re clearly throwing reality to the wind and I’m all for it.

• A FRESH NEW FACE

The biggest complaint lobbed at the first movie was the way the Turtles looked.  They said they were too ugly and weird looking.  Because god forbid giant mutant Turtle men would look weird.  This movie they mostly look the same, but there have been some pretty notable tweaks.  Their noses look more Turtle-like and the hue of their skin looks brighter.  Mikey in particular looks…almost cuter.  Honestly I never had a problem with the original designs, but I’m glad they tweaked them.

• GOONGALA!!!

Speaking of new faces, Steven Amell takes a break from playing vigilante Oliver Queen to stretch his acting chops to play vigilante Casey Jones.  This is my only real concern about  the movie (okay, not my only concern, but the biggest).  Casey Jones is supposed to be kind of grungy guy who’s kinda nuts.  In a world of mutants, robot ninjas, and alien brains, Casey Jones is the weirdest element.  He’s just a guy with a hockey mask and baseball bat taking on the world.  Amell looks a little too clean cut and down to Earth.  But to his credit, he’s not a bad actor and he supposedly had really good chemistry with Megan Fox, so I’ll give old boy a chance.

• A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES

Shredder is back, but this time he’s not just an unnamed and uncredited Asian actor brought in to replace William Ficthner because of fans calling “RACISM”!  This time he’s played by a very visible Brian Tee, who honestly looks pretty badass.  Karai is back as well, this time played by Brittany Ishibashi.  Since they went to the trouble of recasting the role, hopefully this means they’ll actually have her do stuff this movie.   Plus, we have three villains making their long awaited TMNT movie debuts.  First up is Baxter Stockman played by…Tyler Perry.  I was…initially conflicted (by that I mean infuriated) at this casting choice, but all that Madea stuff tends to overshadow the fact that Perry can actually act, and when he goes all in, he goes all in; and he looks to be going all in to the whole “mad scientist” thing for this role.  As long as he doesn’t put on a dress, we’ll be good.  Which leads us to the next two….

• “EARTH…MAKE WAY FOR BEBOP AND ROCKSTEADY”!

Oh yeah…this is my jam.  After 25 years; After waiting so long; After being denied in Secret of the Ooze…Bebop and Rocksteady are live and in the flesh.  Well…CGI, but still.  IT’S BEBOP AND ROCKSTEADY!  I know it seems weird to gush over the two dimwit henchmen from the 80’s cartoon who were honestly never that deep, but still, the characters mean a lot to us fans.  Played by human form by comedian and voice actor Gary Anthony Williams (Uncle Ruckus, y’all) and Stephen Farrely (aka WWE World Heavyweight Champion…sigh…Sheamus), respectively, the two look to be very much in true to their original portrayals.  2014-2016 seems to be the Bebop and Rocksteady Renaissance as the two have been given new life in both the current comic series and cartoon.  Now they look to make it a trifecta.  Expect them to be the highlight of the movie.

Overall: It’s too early to judge if they’ve fixed all the mistakes with the previous film, and I’m trying not to give in 100% emotionally…but god DAMN that trailer got my hyped.  They knew just what to show and kept a strong energy throughout.  If this movie is the insane, balls-to-the-wall, pure fun action-comedy I’m hoping it is, then we may have just gotten a taste of the best Ninja Turtles movie, yet.

Cowabunga.

The whole thing is introduced by George and Barbara Bush. Their message is so important, Barbara felt the dog had to be present to emphasise their seriousness.

Some of my favourite parts are Winnie The Pooh waking up beside a little girl in bed like he’s some sort of pimp.

Arcades being portrayed like a strip club.

The Muppet Babies terrifyingly proclaiming “you’re about to take a trip through the human brain” on the creepiest roller-coaster alive.

By the time we get to Huey, Louie, and Dewey singing about how you should just say no, you think you’re at the end but oh no, we’re only half way there!

You can watch the whole horrible/wonderful thing below. You’re welcome/I’m sorry.

Big thanks to Chandra who brought this to my attention.

It’s time for some live-action Ninja Turtle action and this time they’re busting Mikey out of turtle-jail!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m fond of the stuff I used to like as a kid too, but most people romanticize the crap out of their childhoods as being a time where every cartoon and movie was perfect nothing will ever top it. “Destroying my childhood” is a phrase that pops up every time a reboot of some 80’s or 90’s movie or show comes up; a phrase I absolutely loathe (not as much as “raping my childhood”, but still). Look. We just have to accept the fact that a lot of the stuff we liked as kid mostly sucked. I grew up in the 90’s, and as much as I like to think 90’s cartoons were better, well….they were, I can’t lie. I’ve gone back and watched all the shows I grew up with, 90% still hold up but that’s a topic for another article.
All that being said, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comes out (as of this writing) in 2 days.   Once this movie was announced it’s had the sever misfortune of being skewered every which way from both critics who have every reason to be wary of a movie Michael Bay’s name is attached to, and butt-hurt fans who are fond of their nostalgia glasses. From the “Turtles are aliens now” aspect that has long since been removed, to Megan Fox being cast as legendary figure of all females in fiction and feminist icon April O’Neil, to the redesigned Turtles themselves, to the new tie-in rap “Shell Shocked” (which I’m with you is terrible, but infuriatingly catchy). This movie could make no right step in the eyes of the fans, and it’s not surprising, seeing as how everyone has already made up in their minds to hate it. They’ve seen how Transformers played out, they know the damage Michael Bay can do, and even though it’s been repeatedly stated he DIDN’T DIRECT THIS, his name is critical poison. This movie couldn’t have lower expectations, in fact, there are even those idiots claiming this would kill the franchise dead (a franchise that survived Turtles 3, Next Mutation, We Wish you a Turtle Christmas, and TMNT 2007). This movie could be no-less than Citizen Kane if it was gonna hope to sway the naysayers.

So how does it fair?

Well….It’s okay. Not great, but far from terrible.

It’s sad, because I really wish I could have been jumping for joy and telling you it’s better Guardians of the Galaxy and Captain America 2 and you absolutely have to see it above anything else, but I can’t. It’s just a okay movie, a good movie. Nothing more, nothing less. And truth be told, that’s exactly what I was expecting given the creative team. Look, this was never gonna be a masterpiece, nor was it going to be the movie that killed 30 years of a franchise that started as a parody. All this movie had to be was a fun, 2-hour, distraction that made money. And that’s pretty much what it aspires to be.

FROM THIS POINT ON, THERE WILL BE SPOILERS…

The story is simple…really simple. April O’Neil (played by Megan Fox) is a journalist mostly assigned to fluff pieces who longs to cover real news. She begins investigating crimes committed around the city by the villainous Foot Clan, and ends up stumbling across mysterious vigilantes fighting them who are actually four, six-foot, talking, mutant Turtles who are trained as ninjas. As the movie goes on we learn more about the Turtles origins, April’s past connection to them, and together they battle the Foot’s armored leader The Shredder and his partner, the shady businessman Eric Sachs (played by William Ficthner).

There are no side plots here, or any real character arcs, it sets up a very basic story and stays with it through the end. It’s about as deep as an episode from the cartoon series; The Turtles and April save the city and foil Shredder’s diabolical scheme. It really does feel like the people who wrote this movie really were fans of the original cartoon because that’s exactly what it feels like. It’s pretty corny and is shallow as a kiddie pool, but it’s still fun and entertaining enough. Also, it moves pretty quickly. Once it starts, it doesn’t really slow down. I was actually surprised on how quickly this movie seemed to go by. I was kind of disappointed, but after sitting through 3 hours of the mind-numbing nothing that made up the latest Transformers movie, this was a breath of fresh air. The villains motivation goes no further than “money and power”. The classic vengeance backstory between Hamato Yoshi, Shredder, and Splinter that’s driven the plot of most TMNT incarnations has been replaced here by nothing more than “bad guy out for money”. Hamato Yoshi has been removed from the equation, instead the Splinter learns ninjitsu through…and I’m not kidding..a book he finds in the sewer (still no more ridiculous than a rat mimicking ninja movements from its cage). It’s an odd choice, but if you remember the original cartoon, the vengeance plot line was there either. Like I said before, it feels like an episode of the cartoon. Sachs and Shredder’s plan of unleashing a deadly toxin and selling the mutagen as an antidote is about as complex as putting a mesmorizer device atop the highest tower in the city to control people’s minds. There are a couple of side plots about April trying to find her big story to cover, and Splinter being afraid of letting his sons grow, but later is poorly set up and the former has no satisfying resolution. Once the main plot gets going, everything just gets swept up into it.

Contrary to what some people were predicting, Megan Fox is not the Anti-Christ. This is arguably her best performance, although that’s not saying much. She’s clearly trying, and to her credit, she’s not bad. But still, her talent level is up there enough to make the role more captivating than what is there. She hits her cues fine, but there’s not much she adds beyond “surprised face”. Will Arnett plays her cameraman sidekick Vernon, whose role has been changed from being a cowardly and pompous rival of April that he was in the cartoon, to being a lot more wisecracking and helpful. He’s amusing. He doesn’t steal the show like I hoped he would, but he gets a few good one-liners in there, and serves as a good foil for April. Whoopi Goldberg has a cameo as Bernadette Thompson, the rule 63 version of Burne Thompson, April’s boss from the cartoon. She’s….there.

William Ficthner, as usual, plays the villain. Eric Sachs is a brand new character to TMNT lore. And rest assured he is, at no point in this movie, The Shredder. Ultimately he’s kind of wasted here, as he has no real motivation and never gets any good moments to shine. One has to wonder why he was even created when the character could have been replaced by a character like Baxter Stockman, who is already an established TMNT villain with a lot more potential. I wish he would have been more over-the-top, or had better lines, but he’s just there, as is Minae Noji who plays Karai, who has so little impact on the story I forgot she was even in the movie. Shredder is still the main villain, and for the most part, he’s pretty cool. The armor he’s in looks cumbersome, but he moves like a ninja master should. He’s so shadowy and overly-diabolical it’s kind of funny, but still pretty badass. He even delivers a classic line from the cartoon that absolutely floored me with the delivery. If he had more of a story-arc, he’d be the best movie villain of the year. They may have gone overboard with the design, but when you beef up the Turtles it’s only natural that Shredder gets the same treatment.

Speaking of the Turtles, they are where this movie shines. The Turtles are all perfectly in character. When they’re on screen they quip, the bicker, and the absolutely command the spotlight. They’re never juvenile, or obnoxious, or vulgar like a group of certain giant robots from another Bay-attached film, they’re the same characters we all remember growing up. Leo is the straight-man of the group and the commanding leader. Donnie is the nerdy tech genius spouting technobabble and gets a few good “adorkable” moments. Raph is the snarky and sarcastic tough guy who thankfully doesn’t end up taking over the entire film. He’s not as emo as he was in the original movie, but the seeds are still there. Mikey comes out the best here, as they thankfully make him closer to his Mirage comics counterpart. He’s not hyperactive and spouting surfer slang, instead being more laid-back and actually funny. There’s a running gag with him attempting to woo April that surprisingly doesn’t feel forced and get old, and actually manages to stay both charming and humorous. All the best bits of humor come from the Turtles banter and interactions both amongst themselves and other characters. The actors and animators both deserve a lot of credit for how much emotion they’re able to convey. The designs for the Turtles caught a lot of flack, especially with all the added flair, but not only is it not distracting, they actually work here. They serve as quick visual indicators of each Turtles personalities and give this movie’s Turtles a unique look of their own. Splinter is also on point here, and the movie shows him as both stern and humorous when he wants to be. He’s portrayed as both a caring father and a badass warrior, and the best fight scene in the movie his clash with Shredder midway thorough.

The action scenes are good. My biggest disappointment here is that unlike the previous movies, the “Ninja” part of the title takes more of a backseat to the “Mutant” part. There aren’t really any intricate, well-choreographed martial arts fight scenes, the Turtles kind of plow through the Foot soldiers with sheer strength alone a lot of times. There are some kicks and weapons play thrown in here and there, but these Turtles are so strong it’s a wonder why they even need them. That said, the centerpiece of the movie is a giant chase scene through a snowy mountain as the Turtles, April, and Vernon try to escape a squad of Foot. It’s here where you can see where the budget mostly went. The Turtles are sliding through the snow at high speeds on their shells dodging attacks, flipping around, and bantering all the while. It’s fast-paced, it’s exciting, it’s where both the director and visual effects team sunk their hearts into and it pays off. If there’s any reason to see this movie in 3D, this is it. This movie also does something the original two movies never accomplished; it gives the Turtles an active role in Shredder’s defeat. Unlike the first movie where Splinter had to save them and the second where a pier falls on him, The Turtles, while getting their asses kicked through most of the fight, manage to get the upper hand on the Shredder in the end. I love this because it makes the Turtles look like actual competent fighters who can take care of themselves.

So overall, how does this rank? If Guardians of the Galaxy didn’t come out a week ago, I would have said this was the perfect summer movie, but it’s not bad. It may not have the same depth as Guardians, but has the same level of fun and charm. You can go to this movie with your brain off, and for two hours be entertained. It’s not gonna blow your mind, but it won’t offend you, it’s harmless. Kids especially will love it, and it’s clear they are the target audience here. But there’s enough humor that adults wont mind it either. In terms of other Ninja Turtles movies, it’s actually on par with the first one. Look, remember what I said before about romanticizing our childhoods? Well, time to face facts. The first movie isn’t a great movie either. It throws a lot of stuff at you at doesn’t really bother explain the rationale behind any of its choices, Shredder has less motivation there than he does here, and Turtles themselves are very underutilized. The best storyline in that movie is hands down April and Casey’s relationship as Judith Hoag and Elias Koteas are really charismatic in their respective roles. If your new to TMNT or just not a fan, it’s a very weird movie, but us, the kids back then, we ate it up. That’s ultimately what this movie will be for kids now. It’s weird and goofy, but fun non-threating. People who complain about the CGI over rubber suits need to get over it. Those original rubber suits were clunkly and broke apart a lot. The actors didn’t like being in them. They looked spot-on, but they were a hassle. Plus, this is 20-freaking-14 and movies like Avatar and Rise of the Planet of the Apes exists. Motion capture technology has advanced and this movie uses it to the best of its abilities. If that isn’t good enough for your childhood, well, to hell with your childhood. It probably sucked more than you realize, anyway. If you liked the old cartoon, you’ll like this. If not, the IDW comic and Nick cartoon exist and they’re much better written.

So get some popcorn (or pizza if you’re a purist), sit back, quit your bitching, and enjoy it for what it is.

6 ½ Shells (see what I did there) out of 10.

Another week, another preview of upcoming toys but I’m out of my depth this time. I could spend hours talking about anything other than Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Sure, I liked the cartoons and two of the movies but I never really owned any of the toys so I’m not really in any position to give my thoughts on these upcoming figures in relation to what has come before. Luckily, we have someone on staff that can and will.Before I unleash him upon you though, I’ll give my initial thoughts and some basic info. Nickolodeon picked up the rights to create a TMNT show a while ago and Playmates (Who have produced the toys before) are taking another crack at the Heroes in a Half-Shell. What they’ve shown thus far has been very impressive. A nice variety of figures, vehicles and playsets, as well as a line specifically catering towards older fans of the show with Classic designs (A move that’s been quite popular in the Thundercats line).  So without  further ado, let’s fire up the Balls-Signal and welcome TMNT-aficionado, Colin Hill!

Sharp-O: Thanks for doing this, sir. Let’s start with the 4-5” figures and go from there.

Colin: Okay, the basic figures look amazing.  I’m so happy the Turtles each have their own unique sculpt, and these are without a doubt the most detailed basic figures we’ve ever got out of Playmates. I’m especially fond of the Michelangelo figure, no surprise there.

Sharp-O: Not at all. I like that Mikey comes with actual chains with his nunchucks, it’s a nice addition. Each of the figures does have an individual sculpt to differentiate them more and articulation-wise, they appear to move at the head, shoulders, elbow swivel, wrist swivel, ball-jointed hips and double-jointed knees.  Shredder looks alright, a mix of first movie and his more recent animated counterparts.

Colin: Shredder looks great; he’s bulky, but well-articulated. I like the Foot Soldier, but from the look of it he won’t be as poseable as the others, which is disappointing, same with April but it’s more expected there.  The Krang figure looks decent, a nice hybrid of Krang from the original series and the Utroms from the comics, his accessories look pretty sweet, though I’m still waiting for more info articulation wise.  Splinter is the biggest surprise, with a very unique re-design that’s a far cry from Splinter in the past, but I’ll wait to see him in motion before I pass judgment.  His figure looks fine, but limited.

Sharp-O: The Foot Soldier’s elbow swivels suuuuuck! April has this weird bulbous head thing going on, like she’s the grown-up version of that girl from Bolt. Splinter looks terrible, I have to be honest. It’s the head sculpt that bothers me most. He looks less like a rat and more like a badger and the paint doesn’t help that either.

Colin: All in all, a very strong assortment. I can’t wait to see what else they have in store.  Casey Jones, Bebop, Rocksteady, Leatherhead maybe, I’m hyped.
The vehicles are all fine, though I’ve never been that much of a vehicle guy, that said, I’ll still get the new Party Wagon/Battle Shell; the Shellraiser (great name, by the way).  And I’ll possibly pick up a couple of the bikes.

Sharp-O: I agree, I’m not really one for vehicles. Which is odd for someone who collects robots who turn into vehicles but yes, they’re your typical vehicle assortment. The new Party Wagon looks like a nice update but there’s one thing I feel is missing from all these; Disc launchers that shoot pizzas!

Colin: That said, the most impressive toy in this assortment is no doubt the Secret Sewer Lair playset.

Sharp-O: Oh, hells yeah! It looks sweet.

Colin: 44 inches tall, zip line, elevator to the top, a design that’s half New York alleyway, half sewer lair, this thing is tits.  I have no room for it right now but that’s not going to stop me from buying this no doubt expensive behemoth.

Sharp-O: It’s a great looking playset  and I’m glad that we seem to be returning to massive playsets for proper figures. If I had one complaint it would be the odd perspective of the NY building backdrop. It messes with my OCD something chronic because it’s flat.

Colin: No surprises from the role playing gear.  It’s not bad, but we’ve seen it before.  But one thing we haven’t seen before is the Leonardo Stealth Sword, which is going to be a must own for my collection.  I’m going to play the hell out of it, unashamed.

Sharp-O: I don’t know if it’s been seen before but I really like the padded eye-pieces on the bandanas. I don’t know why but I like that.

Colin: I’ve known about the Classic TMNT line for months now and I’ve been anxious to see what they would look like.  Now that I have, I am not disappointed.  The facial sculpts are spot on, the articulation looks great, these look like the figures we’ve been waiting 25 years for.  If I had any minor nitpicks, it would be the paint schemes, I wish they kept all the Turtles the same shade of green, if they wanted them to be cartoon accurate, but that’s moot compared to what we got.

Sharp-O: Yeah, I can see these doing really well because even a non-fan like me gets a nostalgic kick from seeing these.

Colin: So yeah, if it’s not obvious by now, I’m very, very ecstatic right now.  By the end of this year, I’ll be broke, but happy.

Sharp-O: Yeah, it’s shaping up to be a good line. Not that I’ll buy any but I do like it when there’s more kick-ass product on the shelves.

Colin: And yes, I need to close with this…

COWABUNGA!

Sharp-O: Ha-Ha, you made a funny!

Rue airy… I’ve said it too many times now…

Anyway, this is the place on DOOM where you have your say and tell us what you’re thinking about a myriad of weird subjects.

Whether you’re right or wrong, you’ve got a voice.

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Last month, we asked you which movie you were most excited to see this year and the clear answer was The Dark Knight Rises (closely followed by The Avengers).

What was also clear, and a little surprising, is that nobody is excited to see the new Spider-Man movie. Sorry Peter, but not one person voted for your new movie. Looks like you’re the loser once again.

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This month I’m deciding to settle an old argument between the DOOM staffers… Which mutant turtle is totally radical and which one is totally bogus, dude.

[poll id=”17″]

There will be tears by the end of this one…

Look, sometimes around the holidays, stuff gets in the way. Commitments, travel, etc. So rather than slacking off, we’re dusting off a classic, currently unavailable, ep. It’s our full table read of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the motion picture! If you’ve heard it before, listen again! If you haven’t, enjoy! We’ll be back with the usual content soon enough. Enjoy the break.

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My good friend and fellow DOOM writer Colin Hill has convinced me to record my voice once again. In this recording, we (he) apply our (his) vast TMNT knowledge to the rebooted and refreshed Ninja Turtles franchise. We give our impressions of the changes to the series’ origins and give our honest estimation of where its going to go. Please excuse the poor quality of conversation at the beginning because, despite both having quite a lot of podcasting experience, neither of us seemed to know what the hell we were doing on this one. This is unedited, despite me saying in the episode that I’m going to edit it…sue me, I’m lazy.

Many distractions and tangents will be experienced by you as we feel our way through the issue and try to keep a running narrative on what we should say. Hopefully, with practice, we can bring you more of these audio episodes to sate your need to hear Colin’s deep baritone vocals and my poor quality microphone.

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Hello and welcome! We’ve got some fantastic stuff in the bag for this episode. Search for Dr. Livingstone with Stanley! Go on a Quest with a Knight! Take down Metal Gear! Fight the world most fearsome fighting team! That, and a Terrible Movie Idea too long in the making. We’re obliged, also, to thank our sponsors, we guess. Pleasureful gaming!

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Ready to go? We sure are. It’s a fanciful feast of feline frenzy as these two Kool Kats get their game on. Whew… Anyway, enjoy some more reviewing and another installment of Jon’s Terrible Movie Ideas (this time with bonus movies!) Reviewed this week: The Adventures of Rad Gravity, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Ultima 3: Exodus, and Wizards and Warriors 2: Ironsword, all for the NES.

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