If you’re lost, you can look and you will find it; a personally polarising season finale of Doctor Who! Yes, season 9 is finally over and what did we learn?

That Moffat refuses to kill Clara just to spite me. I’m convinced of it now. I could have handled the DinerClara being one of the dozens of time-shadows in the Doctor’s past but this? Insert the Sideshow Bob getting hit by a rake noise here.

So what fun can we have on Gallifrey now that it’s back? Wait, that’s Rassilon!? Fuck, you really got a downgrade from The Daltonator, didn’t ya chief? Still, seeing Gallifrey’s surprising fealty for the Doctor is pretty damn cool! The General’s surprise regeneration was neat too. Changed race and gender but still kept the buzz cut! Still, that was a dick-move by the Doctor.

“Tomorrow is promised to no-one, but I insist upon my past. I am entitled to that.” I think that line sums up more about what Clara should have been in this episode than anything else. The Doctor went full Timelord Victorious by resurrecting her and while I hate that it happened, it fit with his character.

The problem is that Clara has several moments of clarity where she knows that she should not be but the tumblr-baiting shipping trash just refuses to be taken out. All the “I love you”’s unsaid and the illusory feelings of attraction taints what would otherwise be an end with shades of Donna Noble but unlike the heart-wrenching goodbye we had there…

Clara gets to live! With Ashildr! In a TARDIS. Like this is fucking FANFICTION. Fucking-fuckity-fuck right off, Moffat! In short:

But, at the very least, there is some good here. The call back to Amy and Rory is cool, as well as the default/Mark I TARDIS. Oh, and then there’s Capaldi 2.0.

With the memory of Clara mostly gone, we get a clean slate for Capaldi’s Doctor and with a fresh Doctor comes the only things that matter. Fresh clothes and a fresh sonic screwdriver! Man, I felt such joy during this sequence, it felt great that we were getting back to basics.

So overall, how does this season finale stand? It’s entertaining and apart from some personal issues I have with it, it was a good way to close the book what was undoubtedly a dark chapter in the Doctor’s life (but not in the way we were promised.) What does the next chapter hold? Well, I know what’s coming up in just a few weeks…

And I cannot wait for Doctor Who to be fun again. See you soon!

I have to give credit where it’s due and suspend the Clara Backdown 2015 for this week, mostly because A) she spends most of the episode either in a pod or in the background and 2) because what little screen time she does have is pretty good. Why is it that she’s a competent and strong character when out of sight of the Doctor but as soon as she’s near him she turns into Rose/Martha in their worst moments of doe-eyed stupidity?

On the flipside, Jenna Coleman’s performance as Bonnie was an absolute blast to watch, especially opposite herself/Clara. My problem has never been Jenna Coleman, but the character, especially post-Smith’s departure. Bonnie is a fun and sinister villain, probably because she’s wearing the face of someone we know.

Peter Capaldi’s performance in this episode was amazing, there’s no other words for it. His gags were as on point as they were last episode and then there was this scene…

Give that man a god damn BAFTA! Capaldi poured his heart and soul into this performance and we finally see shades of the Doctor he’s been teasing since he stepped into the role. A Doctor so utterly frustrated by the stupidity of those around him that his default tone is patronising but every jeer and sly jab is for the other person’s benefit. He goads and challenges and taunts because people, humanity especially, can be better and he’ll make damn sure they realise it. The 12th Doctor is an exercise in universal tough-love.

The Zygon Invasion/Inversion, while stumbling with it’s symbolism in the first part, sticks it’s landing and delivers the most compelling episode of the season. Frankly, I can’t wait to see how Mark Gatiss follows this episode up next week with Sleep No More.

The Zygon Invasion is the best episode we’ve had all season and the knowledge that we’ll be getting a second part to this is pretty exciting. Sure, there’s some dumb bullshit in the episode but for the most part, it was pretty engaging.

Now, let’s talk about social commentary. Personally, I like it in science fiction but it needs subtlety. Guile. Something other than a smack in the face. So when this episode approaches the Zygon invasion as a proxy for Muslim radicalisation, I could see that being pretty interesting. Then I remember this was written by Peter Harness, the same man who wrote Kill The Moon aka THIS IS ABOUT ABORTION!: The Episode.

It was handled about as ham-fistedly as you’d expect from this clown but apart from that, there’s some good writing here. There’s tension, there’s wit and there’s a really awesome twist!

The reappearance of Osgood was a head-scratcher for most, and the reveal that she may/may not have been a Zygon is a good way around that. They never let it slip if the remaining Osgood is human or Zygon, cleverly having her shake even the Doctor’s confidence by Osgood insisting that she’s both.

Kate Stewart’s return is very welcome but she feels a little more gung-ho in this episode. Still, that may be because she’s the Kate-Zygon, much like there’s a second Osgood around. I don’t know, character inconsistencies usually get chalked up to doppelgangers, right?

Speaking of spitting images, did anyone else notice that the Zygon town was the same location as the town Christmas from Time of The Doctor? I wonder if Truth and Consequences has been used before…

Man, that Clara reveal was soooo good! Is it too much to ask that Clara is dead and the evil Zygon-Clara can be the antagonist for the rest of the season? Jenna Coleman makes an excellent villain, she’s got the right look of evil about her. Hell, she could play Missy and I’d be happy.

So that’s the first half of the Zygon two-parter and I really enjoyed it and I really hope the second half isn’t terrible but we’ll find out next week with The Zygon Inversion.

Ah, c’mon! I had to get a pun in this review! The Woman Who Lived is the companion piece to the last week’s The Girl Who Lived but it’s definitely the stronger of the pair, with fantastic writing, humour and set pieces.

Catherine Tregenna is no stranger to Who lore, having penned some of the more outstanding episodes of Torchwood but, oddly, is only the second woman to write for Doctor Who proper since the revival (the other being Helen Raynor, who penned The Sontaran Strategem and Poison Sky).

Maisie Williams is on strong form this episode, delivering a really compelling performance. Her life after the Doctor is similar to that of many former companions but longer and more fraught with tragedy. Despite spending centuries waiting for the Doctor, it’s good to see that she wasn’t idle, gaining new abilities and experiencing new things. Like child death… Woof. Tough break, kid. Still, you make a hell of a highwayman.

Her question about loss is perfect for this scenario, one immortal to another. But while Ashildr (I’m not calling her Me, it’s good for a character but writing it as a reviewer reflects more about my working class upbringing than I care for) has become uncaring for human beings, the Doctor never has. He’s lost many Claras (literally in some cases) and they were all worth his time, for however long that was. Including…

SQUEE! Of course I marked out for Captain Jack! John Barrowman is a joy and I would love for him to return one day, perhaps even with Ashildr in tow?

In terms of other guests stars, we have Ariyon Bakare as Leandro, in some awesome looking lion make-up. Hope they use this again because it looks great. We also have an unrecognisable Rufus Hound as Sam Swift! I was racking my brain trying to figure out who the actor was and it was good old Rufus. He did a fantastic job playing a punny highwayman.

The Woman Who Lived is a fantastic episode. Humour, compelling characters and just a solid story all around. I hope the series can keep this momentum going as we return to contemporary Earth and to UNIT with The Zygon Invasion.

Oh boy… Yet another episode with cool concepts made mediocre by bad plot and blatant pandering (the bad kind, not the good kind we like on this website).

The Bootstrap Paradox is an interesting concept to say the least. It’s an endless loop of idea generation that is quintessentially Who. I loved it. Not so sure about breaking the fourth wall to do it though… The Doctor talking to the audience is usually something reserved for promos and it just feels… out of place in an actual episode. Bonus points for the Magpie Electricals nod and for Capaldi (presumably) riffing the Doctor Who theme.

There’s also a nice nod to the Timelord Victorious when the Doctor decides he’ll fuck with time to save Clara and the TARDIS puts a stop to that sharpish. The old girl is learning.

Oh, Clara. You callous tumblr-fodder, you. I can’t wait for you to die or, better yet, for the Doctor to realise that you’re not the person you once were and to abandon you. I’ve never wanted a companion gone as much as Clara now, and that’s saying something considering we’ve had Martha, but even she would never put the lives of innocents below her own. Shame on you, Clara. Jenna Coleman deserves a better role than this.

You know who would make better companions? Cass/Lunn and O’Donnell.

Cass goes full-on Toph Bei-Fong in this episode and it’s a fantastic bit of character building. Sophie Stone did a fantastic job, especially in this episode. Her resolution with Lunn, her translator, is also pretty cute.

O’Donnell. The companion who should have been. Another case of a Doctor fan being a fun character and companion potential being cut down. Just like poor Osgood. Shame.

On the plus side, O’Donnell is a font of foreshadowing and fun references.

The Fisher King also gets side-lined, despite being a really impressive creature with a haunting voice. Again, a shame and a waste.

Another mediocre two-parter, with interesting concepts that are left by the way-side for the sake of shipping. Hopefully, Jamie Mathieson’s return will herald a genuinely good episode with Vikings and dragons and Game of Thrones’ stars but given Moffat’s involvement… I won’t hold my breath for The Girl Who Died.

Toby Whithouse is a pretty decent writer. He’s written School Reunion, The Vampires of Venice, The God Complex, A Town Called Mercy and the Torchwood episode Greeks Bearing Gifts. They’ve all done stuff that I’ve liked and this episode is no exception but the real problem is that this is the first of two parts (all but 2 episodes this season will be serialised like this) so it’s hard to give an impression of the story when it’s incomplete but I’ll muddle along.

Clara Backdown 2015 gets a new wrinkle as we learn something new about her. When presented with a spooky underwater base that was clearly abandoned in a hurry, her first reaction is to say “Booyah, adventure!” and ask for a high-five. Really, Clara? Either you haven’t learned a damn thing about what this situation means or you are immensely callous. Shame on you.

Capaldi is a little more on form this episode, insulting people and getting excited by the idea of actual bone fide ghosts. More of this please!

The guest cast are pretty cool. Colin McFarlane is an astounding actor but he gets side-lined far too quickly and ends up silently stalking the base for the rest of the episode as a ghost. I’d like to give a special mention to Sophie Stone, the first deaf actor to work on Doctor Who. I was watching her performance closely, wondering if she actually was deaf or not, and she was pretty damn good as Commander Cass.

There’s a couple references to Whithouse’s other episodes in the form of the first ghost who is Tivolian and one of The Doctor’s empathy cards, which references Sarah Jane Smith and her conversation in School Reunion.

The cliffhanger sees the group split between past and present and a truly grim fate for The Doctor that is such bullshit that I can’t believe they even did it. What is it this season and saying the Doctor is dying? He’s just got a fresh set of regenerations, he literally CAN’T DIE.

A fun little mystery set-up for the most part but can this two-parter stick the landing? Come back next week as we find out what happened Before The Flood.

So, the second part of the Season 9 opener, eh? Took until two minutes before I began writing this to figure out that the titles were referencing Clara. Which is funny because I don’t remember her doing a god damn thing in this episode. Seriously, what did she do? Go on, I’ll make a cup of tea while you rack your brains trying to think of something she did in this episode other than be set dressing and/or a damsel.

See? Fucking nothing.

And that’s another thing! The whole tea thing! Sure, the Doctor bombing around in Davros’ chair is pretty damn fun, I’m not denying that but this line. THIS LINE.

This is Moffat’s mission statement nowadays. I can handle a lot of bullshit in my fiction, especially science fiction, but that line is tantamount to “Fuck it, we’ll do it live!”. It’s what’s been bothering me about the last season of Who and what we’ve so far in this one. No one is controlling Moffat. A couple years ago, that was fine because within a structured season, when he was writing the odd episode, his work stood out. Now it’s the norm and there’s no structure anymore.

Most of the old, outstanding plot lines from RTD have been resolved so what’s left? Anything Moffat can think up on the fly. Literally throwing shit at a wall to see what sticks…

Okay, let’s talk about the few good points because god knows the main plot is dreck…

This shot is amazing. One thing I do like that they’ve done since Moffat took over is emphasise the legacy of the Doctor. He’s had many lives and they’re all important, not just the last two or three. It’s a shame we didn’t see a Tom Baker stand-in do some stuntwork against the… invisible assassins… HurrrrrghMOVING ON.

Davros. Holy fuck, who knew we could almost have a compelling villain on our hands? Hell, who knew Davros had a sense of humour? Just imagine if this was the last Davros story and he’d become more than a Dalek with a flesh face. Shame that doesn’t happen but for for the briefest instant, we saw something great and I applaud Julian Bleach for an outstanding performance.

Hey Missy, you so fine. You so fine, you the only reason I got through these episodes. Hey Missy. *clap clap*

Seriously, Michelle Gomez is taking what John Simm did and dialing it up to 12 and I’m enjoying it immensely. She’s Smith’s playful Doctor with Tennant’s wit and Eccleston’s hard edge all rolled into one schizophrenic Mary Poppins figure. To paraphrase Nina Conti: “They’re all perfectly likable traits but with tits, they’re fucking sinister.”

So this episode was a wash of reused ideas, only saved by two compelling performances and a clever camera shot. What have we got next week? Oh, The Unquiet Dead mixed with The Waters of Mars. Who’s writing it? Toby Whitehouse?

… Okay. I’ll give it a chance.

You all excited for the brand-new, explosive, heart-pounding, dog-frightening season of Doctor Who? ARE YOU?

No, me neither so I figured I’d change up the formula a bit, something more akin to our Tease Me, Baby! trailer reviews. Instead of going in depth, I’ll just give my brief thoughts on stuff rather than recaps because, frankly, I’ve got other shit I’d rather be doing than talking about mediocre garba–

The Child
Well, fuck me then. The opening teaser is pretty interesting, I’ll give it that and to have the scene bookend the episode was a brilliant choice. Okay, that was good, what else have you got Moffat?

The New Dynamic Duo
Despite Clara being the main reason for me being unhype about the new season, Jenna Coleman plays her pretty well here as an agent of UNIT. Throw The Master into the mix and you’ve got a fun hate/hate relationship that’s more compelling to watch than Doctor/Clara one, to be sure.

The Clara Backdown 2015 Edition
Yup, this is exactly why I was ambivalent towards the new season (the fact that it was pushed back to almost October didn’t help). Less than 30 seconds within the same scene as the Doctor and Clara is back to the doe-eyed doofus that I despise. How’s Capaldi’s performance?

Witness Me!
Piss-poor as it turns out. Maybe it’s because Capaldi’s Doctor has suddenly become Smith’s Doctor or maybe it’s because, for a really stupid reason, the Doctor is convinced he’s dying. Also, Moffat? Bubala. We’ve all seen Mad Max, mate. Pull your head out of your plagiaristic arse.

The Ball Sacks
Yaaaaay, Skaro’s baaaaack… Are we going to see the Time War 2: Trouble in Jamaica once Gallifrey reappears? Probably not. I’m mildly interested to see how this plays out because there’s potential here for some fantastic scene but I’m not holding my breath.

The Verdict
Mediocre. Very mediocre. There’s nuggets of goodness here but it’s a little too few and far between for my liking. Probably the weakest season opener since Martha’s first appearance (another story that features a Judoon, strangely) but come back next week and see if the second part of the Season 9 premiere can salvage this story.