I…. I truly don’t know where to begin this magnificent episode, I truly don’t. What the actual hell, Moffat? After so many mediocre episodes this season, you knock this one out of the god damn park! THIS is Doctor Who at it’s finest and I hope it manages to keep this standard up during the 50th Anniversary and beyond.

First thing I have to address is the opening, which has Clara appearing alongside various incarnations of the Doctor. It’s an amazing scene with some astounding stand-in work and some less fantastic green screen, though they do a great job of matching Clara’s attire with the style of the times. It says a lot that she could have fit into any Doctor’s incarnation and not looked out of place. We see her interact with the first Doctor directly and then just call after the other classic Doctors. It’s a great sequence and wonderful to see the old Doctors back in some form.

We’re back with the Victorian Gang too! Vastra and Jenny are at home while Strax goes to Glasgow on his weekend off to fight Scots! Brilliant. The Victorian Gang is always a welcome return as well as the Alex Kingston as Professor River Song. They’re a fun bunch but their banter is soon cut short as Jenny is murdered right in front of them by the Whisper Men. It’s a visceral gut-punch as she apologises profusely before fading from sight. Soon, everyone at the conference is under attack from Whisper Men and the episode kicks into high gear.

The music in this episode is absolutely fantastic, buidling on the atmosphere in each scene. The Doctor and Clara find themselves on the way to Trenzalore and these two have a great dynamic throughout the episode; Funny and sweet but tragic and heartbreaking at the same time.

Appearing at the Doctor’s final resting place (the TARDIS grown to gigantic proportions after a “size-leak) on Trenzalore, The Great Intelligence claims that this was his final blood-soaked battle and that he became something much darker towards the end, becoming known as The Storm, The Beast and, most terrifying of all, the Valeyard. For those who are relatively new to Who lore, the Valeyard is the Doctor gone wrong. An evil future regeneration between his 12th and 13th regenerations according to the Master.

Inside the tomb, the Intelligence finds the means to undo the Doctor’s every victory and triumph, and wipe out the universe in the process. As he does so, the Doctor convulses on the control room floor as the gang rush outside to see the stars vanish from the night sky. Slowly, the universe becomes colder and even the Doctor’s allies change for the worse, as Jenny disappears and Strax tries to kill Vastra. It’s a truly desperate situation. Clara, having remembered the events from Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS, knows that she appears in other times to save the Doctor so naturally she heads into his timestream to undo the Intelligence’s machinations. Once everything is restored to normal and the Doctor is back in fighting shape, he has every intention of following Clara and saving her this time. As the others argue with him about this, River Song, enraged and frustrated, attempts to slap him only to catch it.

In the sweetest and heart-breaking scene in the episode, the Doctor acknowledges River’s prescence. Throughout the episode, she has only appeared to the others and not to him because this is River Song we met all the way back in Silence in the Library. She is the back-up copy of River. The Doctor and River share their final goodbye and it’s wonderful. A story that started 5 years finally reaches its natural conclusion as they say their goodbyes, only to promise to see each other again. I loved it!

Clara falls through time, encountering the Doctors and saving his life, explaining the mystery of the Impossible Girl but her story isn’t over yet! The Doctor appears to save her and he sees something that scares him. Clara confirms that she saw 11 Doctors as they stare at a silhouetted figure overlooking the dying embers of Trenzalore and the Doctor can only muster that the mysterious figure is the Doctor’s greatest secret. Clara collapses and as the Doctor carries her out, the figure speaks. He had no choice. He only did it in the name of peace and sanity. The Doctor scowls and departs protesting “But you didn’t do it in the name of the Doctor.”

The figure turns.

And the fandom collectively creamed itself as credits roll.

Oh, boy. Where to even begin… First up, JOHN F***KING HURT is the DOCTOR! Amazing! Secondly, there is so much speculation going on right now, it’s unreal. Many are saying that this is 9th Doctor, the one who ended the Time War to which I say, really? Every season since the series revival has steadily allowed the Doctor to put the events of the Time War behind him and go on with his life. What would be the point in dredging it all up again?
My thoughts? This is the Doctor’s final regeneration, since the Doctor established that the time tunnel was not only a gateway into his past, but to his future as well (And the Intelligence refered to him as “old man”). He went renegade and became something wholly unlike the Doctor that he lost the right to the name. He is the Time Lord Victorious, he is the Beast, the Storm, the Valeyard. That’s my take on it and I have to say it makes a whole lot more sense than a “forgotten” regeneration that would undo years of character growth. Hell, it might even be a good set-up for the 50th Anniversary…

And with that, we leave Season 7 and look forward to the future six months from now when The Doctor returns. What were your thoughts on the episode, John Hurt, and the season as a whole? Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you guys on 23/11/13!

The first thing that should be said about this episode is that it’s pretty much just a 21st Century take on the second season episode The Idiot’s Lantern, but with wifi instead of old televisions. The two episodes share a lot in common, too much in fact which has lead to cries of plagerism and I’m kind of inclined to agree. Sure, there’s some things to distinguish it but not much.
Still, it’s an immensely fun episode with an interesting villain so let’s give the plot a quick run-down. SPOILERS ┓┏ 凵 =╱⊿┌┬┐ AHEAD

A strange wifi signal is stealing the souls of those who access it, all under the command of a returning villain, The Great Intelligence, (played by the returning Richard E. Grant, maybe he won’t be wasted after all!) and the Doctor’s search for the mysterious Clara is thrown into the middle of this. Clara is so much like Victorian Clara, something the Doctor is keen to point out but not entirely reveal. She’s just as excitable, quick-witted and smart as her other incarnations but I do miss Vic-Clara. After losing her twice already, the Doctor is very protective of her straight out of the gate, including a message to the villains declaring her under his protection. ┓┏ 凵 =╱⊿┌┬┐

One of the things I have to congratulate the show on this time round is the cinematography, which seems to be taking a couple pages out of Sherlock’s book, with huge sweeping camera movements and one particular shot that follows the Doctor from the street outside the TARDIS, inside, around the control room and back out into the cabin of a plummeting jet plane. While it has obvious cute points, they did their best to make it look like one long steady cam shot, a tough thing to pull off given how the TARDIS moves around.

Looking at fan reaction online, this episode has been pretty divisive but I enjoyed it. It was fast-paced, it was fun and foreshadowed a lot of stuff to pay off later. The Doctor/Clara dynamic is enjoyable to watch and I’ll be glad to see where this season goes. See you guys nex–

┓┏ 凵 =╱⊿┌┬┐

What‘s that thing? I know I didn’t type that…
┓┏ 凵 =╱⊿┌┬┐

Where… Where am I?

[How will our hero get out of the wifi? Find out next week on No, YOU’RE a TARDIS!]

This episode can only be described as a rip-roaring, delightfully dinosaur-y romp! It has so much fun, adventure and action to it that I’m hard-pressed to think of another episode that gives you more bang for your buck. Between brilliant CGI and animatronics and top-notch acting performances from all of the cast, this episode offers up so much and then continues delivering.

Soon after saving Queen Nefertiti, the Doctor is brought in on the case of a wayward spaceship heading towards Earth with the Indian Space Agency. After quickly assessing the situation, he grabs Neffy, John Riddell (A 1900 South African game hunter) and the Ponds. Plus Rory’s dad. Soon, they’re already onboard and discovering the ship’s cargo: dinosaurs. This is all before the credits! This series sets a relentless pace and hardly slows down as it bounds through the main plot and towards its satisfying conclusion.

I’m gonna skip retelling the plot beat for beat but I will talk about the performances this episode. The main trio knock it out of the park as usual, whether it be Smith coming at us with a more ruthless Doctor, Amy acting a little more like her raggedy man or Rory showing his badassery and nursing skills but the rest of the gang put in fantastic work too, making each of their characters memorable even if we never see them again.
Rupert Graves plays the typical macho hero but he plays well alongside Nefertiti and Amy, both of whom take issue with his misogyny and are quite vocal about it. Nefertiti is played by Riann Steele who plays her a little like River Song but with more of a royal edge. There’s no damsels in distress this episode, unless you count Mark Williams who is the dumb-founded newcomer to the gang. Yes, it’s actually a gang, the Doctor says so. The bumbling, condescending father of Rory is someone we can all identify with because we all know this person. He’s the EveryDad, the know-it-all who has everything you never want in his pockets but somehow always need. He’s a fun character and I hope we see him again soon
Rounding out the episode is the villains, David Bradley (Filch from the Potter movies) and two sassy robots who are actually voiced by comedy duo, Mitchell and Webb (I didn’t actually realise ‘til my second watch) and damn if this all-star cast doesn’t show how great this show can be when they put some effort into the casting as well as the writing.

The effects, both computer generated and practical are gorgeous. When you feel endearment and love for a piece of rubber slobbering on Mark William, it shows that they put effort into making these creatures feel real. Obligatory raptors show up eventually and there’s a few other dinos too.

This is an F***ing amazing episode and there are few that can match it for sheer spectacle. It has everything I love in Doctor Who and just showcases it to it’s best and I highly recommend viewing this episode.

Now, that is just my opinion and it’s been brought to my attention that a few of the more vocal detractors to the episode (and the show in general since Moffat took over) launched a campaign of hate against Stephen Moffat, so much so that he quit Twitter altogether in response to the attack.
You people are the worst kind of scum. He works his ass off to bring you quality entertainment and all you fucking people can do is deride him for it? Fuck you! Fuck you and all you stand for, you uppity assholes. He’s a human being, damn it. Show some fucking common courtesy. Don’t like it? Tough, because as the Doctor himself would say:

I’ll see you good people back next week for another episode! Stay Tuned!

Seriously, you guys. Aaron is a jammy git.

So anyway, the 7th season (33rd Season, if you’re feeling saucy) kicks off with Asylum of The Daleks, an immensely strong episode in my view with only minor flaws that can be overlooked by the presence of a Heavy Weapons Dalek! Oh yeah, SPOILERS shall be thick and fast in this review so if you haven’t seen the episode yet, what kind of Whovian are you? Whovian? No, never saying that again!

First thing to hit you is the fact that Amy and Rory are no longer married. Yeah, kind of a bummer and probably explained in the Pond Life web-exclusive miniseries before this aired but still, pretty shocking to see all the animosity between The Girl Who Waited and The Last Centurion. And, can I just say, whoever gave Arthur Darvill that ridiculous hairdo should be fired and sent back to the 50’s where they belong? He looks ridiculous, show the Roman some goddamn respect. But I am fond of his little lunchbox though (Ladies….)

Doctor and Companions are reunited after the trio are teleported to the Parliament of the Daleks by some Human-Daleks. No, no, not that pin-striped shoggoth from Daleks Take Manhattan. These are partially converted Dalek puppets with stalks coming out of their head. It’s silly but creepy too so fitting the theme of this episode perfectly. Like an ex-girlfriend, the Daleks come a-calling when they need something and they want the Doctor to save them from a planet full of insane Daleks. Yeah, you know these have got to be some monstrous wheelie bins if regular Daleks consider them “insane”. Then again, they don’t act all that out of character so really, it’s an excuse to introduce a character I will talk about in a minute. So, off the trio goes but once they’ve been shot at the planet, they find themselves separated, assaulted on all sides and being flirted with by the sole survivor of a ship crash, Oswin.

Oswin is brilliant. She’s smart, funny, flirtatious, immensely cute and played by Jenna-Louise Coleman. Yes, she who will be playing the new companion, Clara. I’m sure there’s a connection between the characters but we’ll ignore that for now because her introduction isn’t ‘til the Christmas special. But as her first outing, Coleman puts in a fantastic performance that makes you care about her and hope to see more of her in the future.

Matt Smith comes back strong and we see a more hardened Doctor when facing the Daleks. He’s slowly becoming more of what River Song warned him about as we find out the Dalek’s name for him (Y’know, apart from “The Oncoming Storm”) is “The Predator”. That’s kinda dumb. Not quite as dumb as Amy and Rory’s domestic later in the episode but still kinda dumb. Oh, hey! Heavy Weapons Dalek! Told you that would make up for the flaws.

Asylum of The Daleks is a strong return to the show and a helluva lot stronger than previous season premieres. It’s got a dark and sinister atmosphere that is brilliantly counterbalanced by the comedy and character interaction. Join us next time as we encounter Dinosaurs. ON A SPACESHIP!!!

Wait, what?

Screw me talking about stuff, here’s the trailer!

I love that part of the vid’s code reads ‘fez’

The Golden Age

Straight out of the gate, we not only get a Dalek episode, but a Dalek episode featuring every kind of Dalek since the show began! I saw a Heavy Weapons Dalek from Remembrance of the Daleks and I was nursing a semi. Old school, baby!

This isn’t his department!

Rupert Graves, fresh from giving Benedict Cumberbatch hassle in Sherlock, is here to shoot dinosaurs and sleep with Queen Nefertiti and he’s all… out of…. Reasons not to? Sorry, it’s been a while since I did one of these….. Erm, here! Doctor riding a triceratops!

They made them smaller…..

God help us all.

Which ties into my something I wanted to share. Episode 5 of this season will see the departure of Amy and Rory from the series. It will take place in New York and will feature the Weeping Angels.

This is Matt Smith reading the script.

None of us are coming out of this okay are we? The season will be split with the Christmas episode being in the middle of the run which is damn weird. Whelp, no matter what, you’ll be seeing our analysis of Season 7 this autumn! Til next time!