But the cat came back the very next day…

Why hello there! I do apologise for my abrupt absence, but about a fortnight after my last post I underwent a significant upgrade to Dad 2.0 (2.2 if you count our cats, but more on them later) and have been rather occupied with raising an extra child, working more hours, and pursuit of unconscious oblivion for at least 3 hours out of every 24.

Today’s review is brought to you courtesy of Fireside Games, who have thrown their cat hat into the ring in the form of Here, Kitty, Kitty!, a game of cardplay and cat acquisition. Can this be the One True Cat-Game about which I have previously mews mused, or is it the pile of something vile into which I put my naked toes at about 4am yesterday morning, thank you very much, Missy? Time to take the small, plastic spade of investigative diligence and scoop the poop of truth from the litter box of questionable metaphor!

Here, Kitty, Kitty! is a game for two to six players. Actually, it’s a game for three to six players. Well, it’s more like a game for three to five players, with a minor variant for six players and another for two, which the rulebook includes, but doesn’t recommend. From that opening statement it is clear we are into cat-mind-games territory already. Thankfully, the gameplay is as easy as 1, 2, cat…no, really, it is; you and (let’s just say ‘some’ other players) spend two actions per turn to lure cats from the central ‘neighbourhood’ pool onto your respective ‘property’ player boards, or play cards for a variety of game effects, scoring greater amounts of points the further toward the house the cats move. Bonus points are awarded for collecting particular quantities and colours of cat, and whoever has the most points when the deck runs out, wins.

Pictured: Actual satellite photo of my house.

At this point, you could be forgiven for hearing the jangling alarm bell triptych of ‘cute theme’, ‘short, light filler game’, and ‘nice components ‘, and writing Here, Kitty, Kitty! off as a drop in the bucket of pretty-but-empty card games, and I must admit I was guilty of the exact same thoughts. Happily, a closer look at the game’s fluffy underbelly reveals a welcome level of care and thought, and an understanding of what can only be called ‘the cat experience’. First and foremost, the game knows what it is and what it wants to do; it plays short and snappy, with clear actions and card effects, and a level of ‘Take THAT!’ interaction which feels fair and meaningful, rather than arbitrary and mean. With only a single card deck and a hand of three cards per turn, there’s no room for weak cards, resulting in no ‘bad hands’ and even if you don’t want to play cards, you can still move cats as an action, so no turns are wasted by a default discard-and-draw. There are random Instant Card ‘events’, but they mostly act to limit the leaders and boost those players who are lagging behind. The movement of the cats within properties and around the table feels very natural for indecisive, wandering moggies, and neither too chaotic, nor random.

All Cats Are Grey…and black. Also orange.

Here, Kitty, Kitty! claws itself further up in its scoring. Many games would have stopped with the 0/3/5 points for the yard/porch/house positioning of cats, but the four additional scoring conditions bring an unexpected tactical, even mildly strategic edge to the gameplay. You have to pay attention to your goals, the state of the other players’ boards, and the long-term effect cards, such as Foster Kittens, which, if used carelessly, can affect the colour balance of the cats in your house and lose you a hefty 10 points – If you don’t pay attention then you will miss out on valuable end-game bonuses.

Another trick up the cat’s pyjama sleeves lies in the game’s art, which is both varied – all but a few cards have unique illustrations – and colourful. The player boards are all graphically distinct, clearly zoned, and marked with the relevant points values, and the beautifully sculpted cat figures, which are cast in three different poses, stylistically match the card art exactly. It’s cartoony, graphically sharp, and appealing without being too corny. It has to be noted though, that some of the cat pawns have the sprue attachment stubs in a very uncomfortable place that I can’t wholeheartedly believe is accidental…

Cat owners will know this view.

Finally, and in some ways of most importance, is that the designer of this game clearly both loves, and more importantly understands cats; not just the cute, fluffy, big-eyed side of cats, but the dead-bird-on-the-mat, tripped-out-on-catnip, 3am yowling, hairball-erupting side. The cards are, in the most part, appropriately themed to their mechanics, and playing the game drew laughs and knowing looks from all the cat owners in the group. Here, Kitty, Kitty! is a family game, sure, but it knows its felines, and represents them in a fond and not overly saccharine way.

Varying shades of cat reality.

I’ve banged on for quite a while about what is really a simple, short game, but I feel that it deserves recognition for the work and care that has gone into making it the best that it can be. It’s not without its flaws – the aforementioned 2 and 6 player games are weak, there’s a pointless, Fluxx-ish ‘pass a card to the right’ event, and the card stock feels flimsy for a game that seems aimed at families and younger players – but it should not be dismissed as merely a kid’s game, or a gimmick. Here, Kitty, Kitty! may not reinvent the wheel, but it is a solid entry in the family/filler game bracket, avoiding the usual genre pitfalls of dictated turns, game length and shallowness with a deft paw.

Disclosure: Here, Kitty, Kitty! was kindly supplied by Fireside Games for the purpose of this review.

RELUCTANT ANIME REVIEWS: TENCHI MUYO

       Greetings friends, it’s been a while. I feel like I should apologize for my absence. Sorry.

When last I wrote, I teased about watching and reviewing Tenchi Muyo. I found that difficult to do. It wasn’t bad, and it wasn’t good. It just kind of… existed. Nothing made me angry, or left me so baffled I couldn’t speak. There would be nothing I could say in a review that would be funny or informative. I got about halfway through the original series, and dropped it. So, there’s that.

RELUCTANT ANIME REVIEWS: SWORD ART ONLINE

…In contrast, Sword Art Online DID make me feel things. In fact, it made me feel and think a whole lot of things. Bad things. Angry things. At first, I thought that Sword Art Online meant well, but was just incompetent. However, as the season progressed, I began to see the boils and sores of disgusting anime appear on its underbelly. What started as a dumb adventure turned into something truly terrifying: a dumb harem anime.

With some swordy-fighty stuff too.

Sword Art Online is the story of Kazuto “Kirito” Kirigaya: an avid online gamer who eagerly anticipates the release of the revolutionary Virtual Reality MMO: Sword Art Online. Ever since participating in the beta test, Kirito has looked forward to diving back into the game that enthralled him months ago. However, once he and 10,000 others have logged in, they find they can no longer log out. The creator of Sword Art Online, Akihiko Kayaba, informs the trapped players that they must beat the game in its entirety in order to escape. In addition to that, death in the game means you die in real life. Adventure begins now.

However, for the first seven or so episodes, you would think that isn’t the plot. After the second episode, Sword Art Online barely acknowledges the overall story or conflict. It adopts a “tell, not show” approach to informing the viewer on the progress made to clear the game. Instead, it focuses on several side stories where Kirito helps random strangers. While this gets characters and general mood of the universe established, it just comes across as weird and out of place. Kirito is described as being a fierce fighter on the front lines, but we hardly see him there.

Man, it would have been great to see more of this…

After the 7th episode, Sword Art Online finally gets back on track. Over the course of a few episodes, Kirito forms a friendship with another front line fighter, named Asuna. She is the second in command for one of the strongest guilds in the game, and sees every day spent in Sword Art Online as a day lost in the real world. Kirito slowly teaches her that even though they are in a game, as long as they take the time to enjoy and experience the things around them, the time cannot be lost. Soon, this friendship blossoms into a romance, and becomes the driving force behind the remainder of the plot.

LOOK AT AND APPRECIATE THE WUV. DO YOU FEEL IT?!?

Although, I was surprised with the turn Sword Art Online took around the 14th episode. Something happens to end the game, and Kirito is thrust back into the real world. To begin with, this intrigued me, as they were doing interesting things to illustrate Kirito’s reintegration to society. I was hoping to see a good drama about these characters meeting in real life, and almost having to relearn everything about living outside of fantasy.

But nah, they just go into another game. I won’t go into the reason why in the interest of spoilers, but while it does make some sort of sense in the story, it just comes across as a cheap excuse to add more swordfights. Kirito finds himself playing Alfheim Online, which is a reskinned version of Sword Art Online, but with flying, and no murder. Kirito meets up with a player named Leafa, and the two journey to the center of Alfheim Online: The World Tree. Some dumb stuff happens, more excuses for them to go into more virtual MMOs are created, and the season ends.

Also, they’re fairies.

One of my biggest gripes with the second half is that is feels so lazy, and lacks any real consequence. Aside from one detail, it’s just a game. Failure and death don’t really mean anything, and it no longer feels like a survival adventure. None of the characters have any weight: it just feels like a time filler, and an excuse to include more boobs into the plot.

Which brings me to my biggest criticism with the second half of Sword Art Online: It gets really creepy. The first red flag popped up when they made a big deal out of Kirito’s sister not actually being his sister, but his cousin. The second rose gradually, as I noticed that there was generally more cleavage and butt close-ups. The final alarm clicked to life when I began to notice that every female character was growing attracted to Kirito, and fighting for his affections. Sword Art Online turned into a harem anime before my very eyes.

The strong character of Asuna transformed into a damsel in distress, and was no longer portrayed as Kirito’s equal and partner. Every female around Kirito became a personality trait with a vagina, and mentions of any other male character dropped to zero.

“Nah, too strong. Time to show some cleavage.”

To add to the general sense of creepy, things get what I can only describe as “rapey.” Asuna basically gets reduced to being a rape target, and that is the primary conflict in the second season. The villain wants to rape her. Technicians in the form of slug beasts want to rape her with tentacles. It’s like the writers thought “Well, they can’t die anymore, so I guess we just need to throw rape in to add danger. Whatever.”

It’s sad to see Sword Art Online lose its path so badly. In the beginning, it was a mediocre story with terrible pacing and dialogue, but there were seeds for something truly interesting. While everything that came out of every characters’ mouth was dumb garbage, the animation portrayed body language perfectly, almost to the point where I thought it would be better as a silent film. The drama was gripping and truly heartbreaking at times, and the romance between Kirito and Asuna was really well done.

Pictured: decent things.

It’s like going on a couple of dates: The first was a bit shaky: There were some awkward silences, and some clumsy blunders, but there was still a kind of spark there. The second was a trainwreck: the date pooped their pants and went on a rant about how Hitler was just misunderstood. You got a free steak dinner though, so that’s something.

Apparently the second season of Sword Art Online has started, and this time they go into a gun MMO. I’m not watching it.

Sword Art Online, get out of my office.

To continue my theme of “MMO hijinks,” next time, I will review Log Horizon.

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KILL LA KILL

I want you to think of the most insane story you’ve ever heard. Now, I want to you to imagine it animated without any irony, and paced like a runaway bullet train. I want you to imagine a story that manages to be touching and emotional, while still being unimaginably goofy and dumb. Now, take that story you’ve imagined, and forget it; because Kill La Kill exists, and nothing can top it at what it does.

Ryuko Matoi is a high school student wandering around Japan, looking for her father’s murderer. Eventually, her search leads her to Honnouji Academy, a strange school ruled by a ruthless student council president named Satsuki Kiryuin. When Ryuko transfers to the school, she ends up butting heads with Satsuki, and the student council president implies she knows who killed Ryuko’s dad.

Serious Levels: Maximum.

Ryuko’s temper gets the best of her, and she goes after Satsuki, but is quickly dispatched by the boxing club president. It seems that at Honnouji Academy, students higher on the social ladder are granted special “Goku Uniforms” –clothing infused with strange “Life Fibers,” that enhance the wearer’s physical capabilities.

Ryuko also gets forcibly befriended by Mako Mankanshoku: the best character in the show.

Ryuko retreats to her family’s ruined manor, and stumbles into a secret lab in the basement. There, she finds a sailor uniform called a “Kamui,” that is awoken by her blood.  She names this sentient uniform Senketsu, and discovers that he gives her powers equal to or greater than the students wearing Goku Uniforms.

Soon after, Ryuko fights a proverbial gauntlet to reach Satsuki Kiryuin, destroying anyone who gets in her way. I can’t even use the word “Hijinks” to describe what ensues.

Mako Mankanshoku: The Merciless Mystery-Croquette Munching Oddball

Kill La Kill knows it is dumb. It knows that its premise and characters are stupidly wacky. Kill La Kill realizes this, and embraces it. More importantly, though, it doesn’t fall into doing things ironically. It tackles its plot with the same level of passion and seriousness that a director of an Oscar winning picture would. This infuses the show with a sincerity and heart that is hard to describe in words. Kill La Kill knows exactly what it wants to do, and works to accomplish it in the best way it can.

Friendship is serious business, yo!

At its heart, Kill La Kill is a character story. Boiled down, the show is all about the bonds people make in life. It extols the virtues of acceptance and passion while telling this preposterous story. It’s all about friendship and trusting others. Every character serves a purpose in Kill La Kill, and everyone is given enough screen time to ensure the audience can develop an opinion of them.

There is a lot of partial nudity in Kill La Kill. A whole lot. However, instead of reacting to the copious amounts of fanservice with my usual revulsion and hatred, I was strangely OK with it. After a lot of thinking, I finally realized why. It’s because the nudity in Kill La Kill is rarely sexualized. All the bare skin and nekkidness doesn’t feel creepy or forced, save for a few exceptions (which are specifically made to make the viewer uncomfortable, or to depict the unease of a character.)

The most evil Vulcan Nerve Pinch ever

The fact that the nudity in Kill la Kill is pretty equally divided between genders helps as well. Sure, Ryuko’s battle outfit is one of the most outrageously skimpy things I’ve ever seen, and the transformation is gratuitous, but the male character who constantly strips down in conversation balances it out, in my opinion. One has boobs covered by suspenders, while the other has nipples that glow with a holy nude light. Both are played for laughs- the viewer is supposed to embrace the overblown silliness, and take it as the joke it is.

This happens often.

In the last third of the show, a solid 90% of the cast is naked save for a few belts and ammo pouches. Men, women, children, it doesn’t matter.  And it doesn’t seem strange or out of place. It makes sense considering where the plot goes, and the show doesn’t dwell on it. The characters all accept the nudity and skimpiness after about the fourth episode and it just becomes a matter of fact. It says a lot that the series can include a giant, naked, exhausted cuddle pile after the final battle, and have it not only be non-sexual, but a touching visual representation of the bonds the characters made. 

This is about as sexy as a T-Shirt and baggy jeans by the end of the series.

 It seems like Kill La Kill does all this for the same reason it has ridiculous action and stylized animation: because it’s fun and looks cool. It injects this weird innocence into the show. While I personally don’t like the designs for Ryuko and Satsuki’s battle attire, I can forgive them. The story always comes first, so it’s fine.

Also, look at this giant man.

Kill La Kill is filled to the brim with some of the greatest action ever animated, considering the budget. It’s over-the-top in the best way, and is exactly what you’d expect from the guys behind Gurren Lagann. It’s like Power Rangers on crack.

I don’t know what to say. It’s good. KILL LA KILL IS GOOD! It’s brain-candy in every sense of the word. Even if you don’t like anime, Kill La Kill is so unique and well done; it’s hard to get this experience anywhere else.  Just watch it. Kill La Kill has everything. Kill La Kill.

SECOND OPINION:

Sharp-O here, throwing in my two pence about this series- and boy oh boy what can I say that Isaac hasn’t already said? Kill La Kill is a balls-to-the-wall action adventure with comedy, heart and the most cringe-worthy premise you’d expect from an anime. Girls with super-powered school uniforms? What is this, Sailor Moon? A LITTLE BIT! But it takes what could be a very banal premise and injects it with Gurren Lagann levels of silliness and hyperactive action.

Every character is amazing, and that’s not hyperbole: EVERY character is given a moment to shine and they all have something about them that you will like. The music is great too, especially the “hero song” that plays when shit gets hype, though they use the two intro songs to great effect within the show too. I love this damn show and I’m kinda sad that whatever anime I go for next will probably be lacklustre in comparison.

NEXT TIME: THE CREEPIEST SHOW EVER. I’M NOT EVEN JOKING. THIS ONE WILL KILL ME.

I want to punch the person who made this in the genitals. With a gun.

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OCCULT ACADEMY

There are few times in someone’s life when can say they witnessed a proverbial train wreck. My friends, this is one of those times. What started as an entertaining viewing experience turned into one of the most infuriatingly stupid things I’ve ever seen -within a matter of minutes.  Much like the myth of Icarus, Occult Academy flew too close to the sun on wings of wax, and plummeted to the ground, leaving only the sticky red paste of disappointment on impact.

Maya Kumashiro’s father was obsessed with all things occult. So obsessed, in fact, he neglected his daughter, and abandoned her to build Waldstein Academy: A school dedicated to the study of all things paranormal. In 1999, Maya’s father dies, and she assumes the role of principal in order to ruin the school from the inside-out- because child abuse and neglect isn’t likely to develop the most mentally stable or forgiving individuals.

This is average behavior for Maya.

Soon after Maya’s arrival, however, a mysterious man calling himself “Abe Minoru” descends from the sky, claiming to be a time traveler from the year 2012 sent to destroy an artifact known only as Nostradamus’ Key. Abe tells Maya that in the summer of 1999, Nostradamus’ Key will open a wormhole above Waldstein Academy, unleashing a horde of hostile aliens that will nearly drive humanity to extinction. After some convincing, Maya agrees to help Abe find the key and destroy it, preventing the apocalypse.

Hijinks Ensue.

What follows is 10 episodes of wonderful nonsense. The supporting cast is interesting- although clichéd, the jokes hit hard, and the plotlines are fun. Occult Academy seems to revel in the world it has built, but seems reluctant to actually touch the main plot.

90% of the show is literally spent “yukking it up.”

For a majority of show, the entire Nostradamus’ Key plotline is ignored- only mentioned when it gives Maya and the gang an excuse to on onto the next paranormal sillybollocks. And I’m fine with that, for the most part. But when the characters are given a vague time limit, it becomes difficult to imagine that they would spend days on end doing things completely unrelated to saving the world.

That being said, these asides are really well written, and provide important character development for Maya and Abe. In fact, one of these side plots- a story about putting the ghost of a little girl to rest- nearly made me cry, it was so touching.

That is why the last 3 episodes of Occult Academy infuriate me to no end.  After so many episodes of solid writing, the climax gets botched so hard, I’m actually impressed.

It takes skill to mess up this badly.

In order to describe just how incredibly dumb this finale is, I must walk through it step-by-step in a mostly spoiler free manner. In episode 11, a shadowy force seems to have enthralled the city to its bidding, and it doesn’t want Maya to find Nostradamus’ Key. Maya appears to be murdered by this secret puppet master, and Abe has a feeling he knows who it is.  As the gang grieves for their loss, Maya suddenly appears in Abe’s apartment, alive.

Turns out she faked her death with the help of a good white witch assigned to protect the Kumashiro family. …Ok. And it turns out that the force that has enslaved the city was an evil black witch.  Who has the power to summon Chupacabras and Mothmen.  Ok…

The Good Witch is a person you thought was evil, and the Evil Witch is a person you thought was good. These twists take place within 5 minutes of each other, and you don’t particularly care about either one.  Episode 11 ends.

Doesn’t this seem appropriate?!?

Episode 12 begins with Maya and the White Witch fleeing from the Black Witch. After an elaborate and completely out-of-place transformation scene, the witches do battle. The White Witch’s bodyguard transforms into a panther, and continues to flee with Maya on his back. The Witches have an aerial battle a la Dragon Ball Z, complete with energy balls and grandstanding. The White Witch loses, but is able to make it to Abe in order to tell him that Maya’s dad is still alive, and he has hid a spell to seal the evil witch away somewhere in the academy.  With the help of some deus ex machina, Abe and Maya manage to identify the Evil Witch as Nostradamus’ Key, and seal her away. End of Episode 12.

“This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard”

When Episode 13 begins, we learn that the witch was not the Key. So all the witch stuff was pointless, and only served as an excuse to show cleavage and explosions.  After some help from the future brain trust, they realize what causes the dimensional rift. Despite their best efforts, the rift still opens, but a pointless character sacrifice closes it. This sacrifice literally has no consequences, so it doesn’t matter. The series ends with Maya’s father- who was the leader of the team who sent Abe back in time- leaving the bunker to find the world alive and well. Maya calls him, and tells him to come home. End of show.

Occult Academy has maybe the most poorly executed finale I’ve ever seen. The plot twists come out of nowhere, and the show takes a tone completely different from everything before it. The ideas aren’t even that bad, but with how haphazardly they are implemented, it becomes hilariously bad. It seems that in their bland attempt to have an action-packed climax (despite this being a comedy,) they forgot to actually think about what they were writing in context with everything before it.

The finale, in a single image.

If they had just stopped for a moment, and thought about what they were doing, they could have included the twists and character arcs they wanted. Make the witches less over-the-top and ridiculous, keep the dad dead, and instead of shoehorning in a dumb sacrifice at the end, write a touching goodbye for Maya and Abe when he returns to the future. This would still have ended the show in the same way, but less stupid and jarring.

My suggestion is to watch up till episode 10, then stop. By episode 10, every character’s arc has been resolved, and it seems like they only wrote the last 3 episodes to tie up the plot they neglected through the rest of the series.

If they didn’t include all this dumb schlock that feels completely out of place, I would have adored this show. The animation is beautiful, and the writing is solid. But like a sprinter tripping on their own feet just before the finish line, Occult Academy falls short.

It’s like they knew.

Next Time: KILL LA KILL

(Spoiler Alert: I love it.)

This is a feature we like to call: Reluctant Anime Reviews.

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BTOOOM!

Dear readers, I’ve finally found a decent show. BTOOOM sets out to tell a simple, character-driven story, and succeeds with flying colors. I almost jumped for joy when I realized that this show wouldn’t shove vapid protagonists, or dong starved women at me. BTOOOM has a point. That’s all I ask from anime, people.  Just try to do something that isn’t completely insulting to anyone watching it.

In the near future, a video game called BTOOOM has won the hearts of gamers around the world. Players hunt and kill each other using radars and bombs- no guns, swords, or lasers. So basically, I can only describe it as Bomberman: Modern Warfare.  Ryota Sakamoto is the top Japanese player on the worldwide leaderboards, and spends his days doing nothing but playing BTOOOM. But one day, he wakes up on a deserted island, and soon realizes that he will have to play BTOOOM for real. He meets up with a businessman named Taira, and a girl named Himiko. The three decide to find a way off the island without having to kill others, but that doesn’t stop people from trying to hunt them down. Thus begins “Unwilling Deathmatch Story #236.”

No, don’t cry! This is actually done well!

Now, that premise sounds clichéd and overdone… and it is, to an extent. But BTOOOM knows that its plot is nothing new, and uses that to develop its characters well. No one in BTOOOM is perfect. Every character exists in a grey area of morality. From the protagonists to the villains, everyone has major flaws and redeeming qualities. For example: Ryota is a selfish underachiever with anger issues, who tends to use video games as an excuse to ignore responsibilities. Himiko doesn’t trust men, and has lost any real will to survive after the game. Taira is a loving father and husband, but was a cruel businessman who exploited and took advantage of his clients and employees.

These characters feel like real people with their own morals and ideologies. There are a few villains that transcend the realm of realism, and venture into the territory of “Pure Evil,” but never to an extent where they don’t fit with the plot. Everything flows smoothly in BTOOOM. It never feels like something is being thrown in just to advance the story, or to create more drama.

BTOOOM is dark. Very dark. And while you expect at least some of that in a series about people forced to kill each other, this show takes it to a disturbing level- while still staying realistic. On multiple occasions, I had to pause the show, and walk outside to listen to the birds chirping. I did this to remind myself of the beautiful things in life, lest I open a vein and bleed out, screaming to the heavens about the evils of man as I drift into oblivion. BTOOOM is one of the few shows that has made me cover my mouth in awe and mutter “OH NO.” But all these gruesome and disturbing set-pieces provide a moving juxtaposition for the overall positive message of the series.

Oh, come on, there’s only like an 80% percent chance you’ll die. Cheer up!

On the whole, BTOOOM is about redemption, forgiveness, and caring for others. It sends a very clear message about the toxic nature of hatred, and how acting on impulse is not only destructive to those around you, but to yourself as well. The series shows both the positive and negative effects of using video games as escapism, and shows what it can do to an already troubled mind. It does all of this very subtly, and doesn’t beat you over the head with the tremendous “THIS IS THE MORAL” hammer. BTOOOM packs all the evil, malice, and morbidity in the early parts of the story so that the beauty, kindness, and general pleasantness later on stand out.

In addition to all this psychological drama, BTOOOM is a very touching romance. The relationship between Ryota and Himiko is really well done and paced well. The two characters grow close in an organic way, and use their budding feelings for each other to overcome their faults. And, without giving any spoilers, the way they end the series is absolutely wonderful, and sums up the message of the show perfectly. At no point does it feel sappy or forced, and I appreciate that.

Explosions: Bringing people together, after tearing people apart.

And although I’m heaping praise on this show, it doesn’t mean it’s perfect. The writing on individual episodes can be dull, and the short story arcs can be far too predictable. In general, characters are fairly well established, but the show tends to fall into an “Oh, and one more thing…” mentality often. The overall villains of the story aren’t established well, and never get a proper introduction, nor do their motives get explained.

While I understand and appreciate the darkness and grim nature in BTOOOM, it got to be too much for me at times. The series tries to use rape, necrophilia and torture as tools to explain just how depraved some characters are, but are just kind of thrown out there and end up not serving any real purpose. It feels like the show relies on the shock values of some taboos too often, and ends up tripping on its own feet dealing with these sensitive issues.

Doesn’t this kid just scream “innocent” to you?

I don’t really know what else to say. BTOOOM is good, if a bit harsh on those with weak wills. If you can handle getting curb-stomped by the gruesome nature of the human animal for a few episodes, you’ll find a wonderful psychological drama, with a solid, realistic romance. The show isn’t going to be something you’ll scream about from the rooftops for years to come, nor is it perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s enjoyable. So if you think you can handle it, give BTOOOM a shot.

I’m Isaac, and this has been a Reluctant Anime Review.

Next Time: DEMON KING DAIMAO

(I just can’t escape the harem animes, can I?)

This is a series we like to call… RELUCTANT ANIME REVIEWS

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INFINITE STRATOS

Infinite Stratos broke me. I thought I had a strong will, able to endure a good amount of psychological torture. But Infinite Stratos destroyed my brain. It launched a constant barrage of nonsense at me, straining my resolve to the breaking point. Infinite Stratos is disgusting- That is the only word I can find to describe it. It is offensive, stupid, and lacking any decency.

As seems to be the trend, Infinite Stratos is another “Harem” anime. But this one has robot suits, so that’s cool, I guess. In the near future, humanity invents robotic supersuits called IS. (Infinite Stratos. What’s the plural? Stratosi? Stratoses? Stratosen?) These suits fly through the air with the greatest of ease, sport powerful weaponry, and quickly spawn a new sport of gladiatorial combat. The catch? It seems that only women have the ability to pilot the IS. Soon, an academy for IS pilots is built, and everything is fine… Until a BOY named Ichika Orimura finds out he can pilot IS, and enrolls in the IS Academy! WHAAAAAA?!?

I can smell the hijinks a-brewing.

Because this is a poorly written anime, every girl in the school is automatically attracted to Ichika for no other reason than he has a wang. Soon, the major love interests are revealed- and are, predictably, dumb and uninspired characters. In his first few days, he reunites with his childhood friend Houki Shinonono; meets the official IS representative from England Cecilia Alcott; and later an old friend of Ichika’s (who happens to be the representative from China) named Huang Lingyin transfers into the school. Soon after, a boy from France named Charles Dunois enrolls in the academy, but is soon revealed to be a girl named Charlotte, forced to spy on Ichika by her father.

After this, the representative from Germany, named Laura Bodewig transfers to the school, and attempts to kill Ichika, but fails, and falls in love with him.  The series then revolves around all the girls fighting for Ichika’s affection, although he doesn’t realize they love him. Oh, and I guess there are some robosuit fights.

Infinite Stratos is dumb. Very, very, very dumb. It pelts the viewer with literally every cliché it can shoehorn into the story. There is no originality here: it’s just recycling things other horrible shows have already done. The harem genre works like a Human Centipede, except sewn into a giant, perverted, misogynistic circle.

She’s talking about food, I think…

The jokes in Infinite Stratos aren’t funny. In, fact, there are only three jokes in the entire series, used ad nauseam.

Joke #1: Ichika accidentally gets into vaguely sexual situation with lady. Other ladies see this. Other ladies hit Ichika while he asks what he did wrong.

Joke #2: Lady thinks Ichika is being romantic. Ichika isn’t, just being dumb and nice. Lady hits Ichika.

Joke #3: Ladies fight to be alone with Ichika. Ichika doesn’t notice. Ladies hit Ichika.

On paper, none of those are funny, and in practice, they provoke a sensation of active hatred and anti-entertainment. In no world do I see these situations being amusing to anyone.  They are just excuses to show half naked women in compromising positions. It’s Twilight for guys: shallow and masturbatory in every conceivable manner.

This just happens, without explanation.

Which brings me to my next point: Infinite Stratos has some serious problems with women.  To begin with, the show’s message can be crudely, but aptly be summed up as “All girls go nuts for the D.”  None of these characters have any depth outside of vaguely tragic pasts that -shockingly- Ichika magically makes them feel better about, causing them to fall in love with him. It’s the fantasy of a 13-year-old boy who can’t talk to a girl like she’s a human being.  They’re dolls made for the fantasies of men. But that’s only just what’s on the surface.

At the beginning of the series, there is a real tone of “putting women in their place.” When Ichika arrives at the school, the main players all treat him like garbage. That is until he proves his prowess with his manly spirit, of course. Then, the women begin to act only in ways that is best for Ichika, even having a contest to see who can make him the happiest.  All the female characters lose all personality when met with the immense power of the dong.

There was something I forgot about… what was it? Oh yeah. The IS fights. See I forgot about them because they serve no purpose at all, rather to provide more eye candy. The action scenes of Infinite Stratos are completely pointless and the entire IS premise is only there to provide a different backdrop for the same tired story that’s been done over and over again. However, that being said, the action is visually exciting, and the IS designs are interesting and unique; although, even the cool mech action can’t be left alone by the icy tendrils of sleaze known as fan service. Far too often there are crotch shots of the female pilots, excessive boob jiggle, and a pilot suit that epitomizes “not technically naked.”

Exposed thighs are crucial to piloting IS.

Now: an admission. Infinite Stratos beat me. Between seasons, the writing degenerated to what can only be described as “A man furiously smashing his erection on a keyboard.”  The fanservice in season 2 reaches near-pornographic levels. After a promising start, what with the introduction of The Plot™, I thought the worst was behind me. I was wrong. So, sooo wrong.

I can pinpoint the exact location Infinite Stratos took a permanent toll on my sanity. I can even show it to you. In the aforementioned “Contest to Please Ichika,” the ladies dress up in various sexy animal costumes. A teacher dresses up like a sexy cow, Houki dresses up like a sexy fox priestess, Cecilia dresses up as a sexy bunny, and Charlotte dresses up as… a sexy French Poodle? (Warning: mildly NSFW)

I couldn’t handle anymore after that. I could not force myself to watch a show that would stoop to such lows any longer. I just couldn’t.  So, for a few days, I backed away, vowing never to watch any more of this garbage. But I knew I had an obligation to you, dear reader. My pain is your pleasure.

So I continued watching, and I was honestly glad I did. Not because the show gets better- dear god no. Viewed in the right mindset, the horrible writing and characters begin to take a turn to “So bad it’s good,” a la The Room. I entered a fugue state where the mental pain drifted away, and just laughed at how terrible Infinite Stratos was.

Thinking about it, what hurts me most about Infinite Stratos is that there’s a decent premise here, but all the terrible harem scenarios kill it dead. The show would actually be good if it got rid of all that. Just make it a basic romance between two people who have to pilot these things. Add some unique jokes, better characters, maybe even a moral or two, and you’d have a pretty good show! Oh… wait… that’s just Eureka Seven.

I’m Isaac, and this has been a Reluctant Anime Review. May God have mercy on my soul.

NEXT TIME: BTOOOM

This is a series we like to call… RELUCTANT ANIME REVIEWS

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Reluctant Anime Reviews: Dragon Crisis!

          …For the last 40 minutes, I’ve attempted to write this opening paragraph over and over again. In countless rewrites, I’ve attempted to make fun of Dragon Crisis! as best I could. I’ve poked fun at how none of the characters are likable… or even really characters. I’ve made light of its hideously mishandled excuse for a plot. I tried to express the exact feelings of discomfort and physical pain I had watching this anime. But nothing does it justice. No matter what I say, it still stands there: a towering monolith of garbage and undulating breasts.  So, I’m not even going to try here, I’ll just go into the review proper. Buckle up, this is Dragon Crisis!

         Ryuji Kisaragi is a normal Jr. High school boy, or as normal as one can be with the personality of a brick.  Ryuji is living his own life, when one day, his feisty second-cousin Eriko Nanao arrives unexpectedly at his school, and drags him off. The two set off to intercept some cargo being moved by an organization named Fang. Eriko believes it to be a “Lost Precious:” a vague magical/ paranormal item that does …stuff. More specifically, Eriko believes it to be an S Class, which means “Good” on the widely known Lost Precious Grading Scale. Ryuji and Eriko steal the item, but soon find out it’s not an artifact in the box, but a young girl! This girl appears to be normal, but in all actuality is a dragon, and seems to be incredibly fond of Ryuji. Eriko and Ryuji bring the girl back to their apartment, and name her Rose because of the rose-shaped red scales on her left hand.  The next day, the trio goes to the unnamed society that collects and studies Lost Preciouses. Apparently, Ryuji’s parents are powerful “Breakers” and renowned Lost Precious hunters. Ryuji himself is a level 10 Breaker, one of eight in the known world. What are Breakers? Hell if I know. Later, we learn that Ryuji saw Rose hatch ten years ago in Albania, and she saved his life. After that… and I cannot use this term loosely enough: Hijinks ensue.

It’s like Ryuji knows just how terrible this show is.

         Dragon Crisis! is a “Harem” anime. What this means is the show revolves around a cardboard Mary Sue main character that is surrounded by good-looking women who are inexplicably attracted to him. This “harem” includes the 10 YEAR OLD (but she has a 14 year-old’s body, so it’s fine, I guess) Rose; a shy classmate named Misaki Eto; Maruga: the empress of the white dragons; A wolf-girl named Ai, and an eccentric researcher named Bianca. Aside from those descriptions, these characters have no depth: they are nothing but fantasy fodder for the viewer. The main antagonist of the series, a black dragon named Onyx, is a boring, generic mess incapable of provoking any response from the audience. In addition, the villains of the one-off stories and short arcs are equally uninspired and dull. No one in this show is likable, interesting, or even a real character. They all feel like paper cutouts glued to popsicle sticks and waved in front of a backdrop, making kissy noises and adolescent boob-jokes. 

         On the topic of boob-jokes, the fanservice in Dragon Crisis! is plentiful, excessive, and of course, CREEPY AS HELL. As an ecchi (sexy/ sexual innuendo-laden) series this is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean it’s OK. I would seriously feel more comfortable watching pornography than this. The laboriously crafted angles of teenage girls’ bodies that just avoid getting the show an “Adult” rating feel voyeuristic and dirty, and the lack of any moderation just beats the viewer into uncomfortable submission.  

Pictured: 80% of the show.

         Remember how I mentioned “Lost Preciouses” and “Breakers” earlier? Wanna know what they are? So do I! The show doesn’t tell you. You eventually kind of figure it out through context, but there is no explanation as to what they are, how common they are, or even if the public knows about them.  Though what I pieced together through the course of 7 or so episodes is this: Lost Preciouses are rare paranormal artifacts (possessed by people’s souls) that do whatever the plot demands of them. Lost Preciouses that are possessed by evil spirits become Cursed Preciouses: evil items that do evil things. For Evil! Breakers are apparently gifted people that can awaken the power of Lost Preciouses. How? Because screw you. The higher level Breaker you are, the more powerful Lost Preciouses you can use. Or that’s what I think. Again, it’s never explained.  I can appreciate to an extent letting your viewer figure out a few things in the plot, so you don’t have to waste time explaining it. However, that only works with one or two minor details. The audience is expected to just accept too many things in the show, and never gets an answer for all the questions that are brought up. It’s like the writers locked themselves in a room, and just yelled “NOT LISTENING!” to any protests brought up. Here’s how I imagine them explaining the plot to anyone:

“There are these magical artifacts!”

“Yeah, seems pretty standard…”

“And there are only a few people who can use them!”

“Makes sense”

“And dragons look like people!”

“…why?”

“…Except when they need to look like dragons, of course. Then they transform.”

“Oh, so it’s like a deception thing, so they can live with humans peacefully?”

“No, they hatch looking like teenagers… and they hate humans!”

“…that may be the dumbest/ creepiest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m leaving now.”

“Why are you running away?!?”

It’s like the plot was an afterthought. Just an excuse to move Ryuji to the next “Waifu of the Week.” And it comes off as exploitative, offensive, and insulting. Nothing in this show makes any sense. It’s all bubblegum vomit slapped haphazardly over a flimsy frame. The fanservice may fool teenage boys and creepy adults into thinking they are watching something that is actually coherent or decent, but if the thought of half-naked teenage girls doesn’t appeal to you, there’s nothing here. In fact, the opening credits tell you everything you need to know about Dragon Crisis! It’s trite fluff for sexually frustrated men.

(…in all honesty: that song is pretty good, but the rest is literally ANIME: THE OPENING)

         Honestly, I found myself more interested in the Lost Preciouses and society of Breakers than any of the hamfisted romance or drama. If the show was nothing but people hunting down Lost Preciouses, and being goofy, I might have liked it. In fact, I wanted to watch “The Adventures of Ryuji’s Parents.” Just the Mom and Dad wandering the world, gathering artifacts and kicking ass. That would have rocked. They both get maybe a combined 30 seconds of screen time, and you don’t see their faces; but in that time, they left more of an impression than anyone else in the show. Indifference is better to the seething hatred every other character gets.

KILL IT WITH FIRE!

         Dragon Crisis! is all the worst parts of anime rolled up into a ball, bound with a pretty pink ribbon, and thrown at the genitals of anybody unfortunate enough to watch it. Words cannot describe how devoid of any meaning or purpose this show is. There is no reason for it to exist, and it makes me sad that money and talent was wasted on this trash.  Nothing is redeeming about Dragon Crisis! It is a pitiful excuse for entertainment.

I’m Isaac, and this has been a Reluctant Anime Review.

Next Time:  Infinite Stratos

Fortunately, “want” has nothing to do with our new project. We drafted (read: forced) resident hermit, and part-time artist Isaac to watch anime. The programs will be selected at random using a highly sophisticated process, and he will be forced to watch them from beginning to end, no matter how weird they are, how uncomfortable they make him feel, or how likely it is the police will show up at his door. After his viewings, he will provide us with an article reviewing the program he just watched.

           As to why we feel Isaac is the right man for this job, the answers are quite simple. Isaac has a somewhat strong history with anime of all kinds, and therefore is more likely to survive the mental thrashing this project is sure to cause. Secondly, he wasn’t doing a whole lot. Took us four weeks to find him in the air ducts, sleeping in an elaborately constructed nest of carpet squares, printer paper, and pencil shavings.

So without further ado, please look forward to the first installment of a feature we like to call…

RELUCTANT ANIME REVIEWS

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The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

              The plot of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is perfect for what it aims to do. The story focuses on Haruhi Suzumiya: an eccentric high school girl who unconsciously has the power to bend the world to her will and can create strange situations, time loops, and alternate dimensions. On her first day of high school, she introduces herself by saying that normal humans don’t interest her, and that any aliens, time-travelers, or espers should talk to her. Kyon, (the boy who sits in front of her, and whose perspective the story is told through) is strangely fascinated by her odd ways. Haruhi appears bored and melancholy (as the title suggests) for the first few weeks of school, trying out every club, and feeling dissatisfied.  Through idle chat, Kyon gives Haruhi the idea to start her own club, and is forced to join. Thus, the SOS Brigade is born.

             In addition to Haruhi and Kyon, the members  of the SOS Brigade are: Yuki Nagato, a seemingly emotionless girl who loves to read books; Mikuru Asahina, a shy, mild mannered girl with a weak will; and Itsuki Koizumi, a confident boy who suddenly transferred from another school. In reality, the three other members hold mysterious secrets. Yuki is a “humanoid interface” for an inter-dimensional thought collective with the power to rewrite the data of the physical world. Mikuru is a time-traveling agent from the future, and Itsuki is an esper: a psychic capable of entering enclosed bubbles between dimensions, and fighting the giants that appear there. They have all been sent to the school to keep an eye on Haruhi, the one they believe to be the cause of strange phenomena. Yuki believes that Haruhi has the power to create data from nothing; Mikuru believes that Haruhi has fractured the timeline, and Itsuki and the foundation of espers believe her to be a godlike figure, capable of influencing the world with her desires, and creating the “enclosed spaces” to vent her frustrations. Of course Haruhi knows nothing about her abilities, and just acts on her own whims. What follows is a mostly wonderful deconstruction of anime tropes on a small scale, but once viewed as a whole, falls apart. 

Cheerleader outfits and crying in the credits… Ok.

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya’s first season is out of order. Why? Because it can be, I guess. After trying to watch a few episodes in the original aired order, I stopped because it was stupid and served no purpose. So I started over, watching the first season in chronological order. To be honest, I liked it. The animation is beautiful, and the comedy is hard hitting.  The last episode chronologically is boring, but that would be my only big gripe. If I had stopped then, I would have had a more pleasant review for you. But no, I had to force myself to watch season two. And boy, did it ruin the entire series for me. Because as I watched the second season, something dawned on me…

Nothing of consequence happens in the entirety of two seasons. Now I’m aware that the show is based off a series of light novels, and stuff actually happens in those, but shut up, I’m talking about the show, and the story that is told in the show.  The Nothing™  happens because the second season takes place during the first season (wacky.) But as an effect, I already know where these characters will end up, and I know that nothing happens, so the entire second season becomes a slog. From there, I begin to look at what I watched as a whole, not as small story arcs and one-offs. I didn’t like what I saw. The overabundance of fanservice comes off less as comedy and more as pandering, and in trying to be subversive as a parody of anime tropes, it suffered the most of all.

Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy…

It’s anarchic cotton candy: sweet and enjoyable, but ultimately sticky, unfilling, and full of fluff. After a time, the simple characters become grating on your nerves. The overall lack of character development makes the jokes predictable over time, since it’s such a simple code to crack. Kyon’s cynical everyman is entertaining to a point, but most of the show’s personality falls to Haruhi… who I hate down to the very basis of her character.

I’m serious. Haruhi Suzumiya may be one of the most evil characters I’ve ever seen.  Her antics are supposed to be wacky, eccentric and free-spirited, but they just come off as cruel, selfish, and downright traumatizing. The show asks me to be sympathetic to a sociopath that shows no remorse. In the first 2 or three episodes, she forcibly strips Mikuru down, puts her into a sexy bunny costume, and forces her to stand outside the school handing out flyers. Later, Haruhi physically forces the captain of the computer club to grope Mikuru while she takes pictures to blackmail him into giving the SOS Brigade a PC.  She makes Mikuru wear a maid and nurse outfit in the clubroom for no other reason than, and I quote: “She is our mascot.” Everyone in the SOS Brigade just accepts this, fearing they will upset Haruhi, causing disaster.  

More evil than the sweat in Satan’s jockstrap: Haruhi Suzumiya

The one time Kyon gets mad at Haruhi, it’s for first drugging Mikuru so they can film a kissing scene for a Arts Festival project they’re making. and then smacking Mikuru’s head repeatedly for no reason. Kyon almost hits Haruhi when she says that everyone is her toy, and since she is the SOS Brigade’s leader, they should all just do what she tells them.  Later, Kyon is scolded by Itsuki for losing his temper, and that he should feel bad for abandoning Haruhi, because she thought he would support her in whatever she did. In the end, Haruhi has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, no character development, no real personality, just quirks.

You may be asking, “Isaac, what could have possibly driven you to perform a complete 180 on this show?” The answer is simple; Endless Eight, Parts 1-8. Never before have I witnessed a program show this much open contempt for the audience. Endless Eight literally punishes you for being stupid enough to watch. For, you see, Endless Eight is the same episode. 8 times. In a row. Things change from episode to episode to trick you into thinking something may actually happen, but all that ends up changing is clothes and a couple of swapped pieces of dialogue. This is not charming. This is not subversive. This story arc single-handedly destroys everything good about Haruhi Suzumiya in one fell swoop. It finally sets in how terrible a person Haruhi is, how tired and boring the characters are, and how little impact anything has on the story. All that is left are solid jokes that have nowhere to go because the people delivering them fill you with anti-laughter with their tired shticks. After Endless Eight I couldn’t care about the story arc after… or anything before, for that matter. Endless Eight retroactively destroyed any fondness I had for The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.

The thing that enrages me the most is that I liked this show, I really did, but I came into it blind. Nobody warned me about Endless Eight. However, now that I have finished the series, I’ve been told to try again and read the novels. And I may, someday. But right now, I am filled with a righteous fury that can only be quelled by a semi-coherent rant.  So, if you want to watch The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, go right ahead, but I will not be held accountable if you don’t listen to me. ‘Syour own damn fault.

This has been a Reluctant Anime Review.

NEXT TIME ON RELUCTANT ANIME REVIEWS: Dragon Crisis.

Oh no….

The guys over at Rocksteady set this franchise up to be sex in a deep black cowl. They spent half a decade making guys like me feel like a billionaire ass-kicking vigilante. They’re off working on some secret project, ostensibly next gen, potentially Justice League related—likely to kick the doors down from fifty feet away and make us beg for mercy—or more.

So, for now, the Batman franchise remains rooted in the death throes of the dying console generation, and  strangled at the hands of Warner Bros. Montreal. Yes, I’m being melodramatic—just like the unkempt dialogue, and the way I wanted to throw my computer after my save file corrupted—but man this game went wrong.

Full disclosure: I didn’t finish Arkham Origins before I started this review. I probably got about 20% of the way into the game before I lost my save file—but it’s enough to know that the game was more mess than promising. When I still had a save file I often had to walk away for a few hours, cleanse the nasty taste in my mouth, forget about the clumsy design, the bugs, the dialogue.

But, to the credit of the foundation the game was built upon—I always wanted to come back. Even when I was kicked out of my game without warning because I lost my internet connection for 10 seconds, even when I fell through a place where a texture existed, but BSP/collision did not (and fell forever), and even when I got caught in a fast-travel screen for 10 minutes, gave up, and lost my progress, I’d take a deep breath, pace my apartment, and come back for more.  The same thing that keeps the institutionalized criminal in their cycle of crime and incarceration is what kept me going back for more: the inside was easier to understand than the outside—and on the outside I just dropped 50 bucks on a game that refused to be worth it.

The technical issues aren’t even the worst parts. The game looks better than ever, the game even feels good a lot of the time—it’s not as if they broke the engine into its component parts and then reconstructed it—but the world they built around Batman is loose, lazy and the wrong kind of effortless.

Gamers have grown accustomed to waist-high cover as an automatic cue that combat is about to start, but Origins replaces that with unrealistic open lobbies. It got to the point that if I saw a big empty space, apropos of nothing, I knew the game was about to throw 20 guys at me at once. It’s uninspired stuff too. Where previous iterations of the game let you spend a lot of time feeling like a predator, using the shadows, quietly disabling your opponents, Arkham Origins takes the opposite tact: attrition and lots of it.

The city is devoid of life, the streets are empty of cars, people or any sign that this game is more than an Alpha build that never quite took the next step. With the snow covering the ground and the near lack of personality, it’s too poignant a pun to call this game a whitebox hub that leads to corridor action sequences.

Collision boxes are drawn in mid-air. Sometimes, if you zip-line in the right places, you can watch Batman hit these invisible barriers and scrape along them in mid air. Batman, trooper that he is, still slingshots to his destination.

At another point, the collision around the ice floes near a boat in the harbor was several feet above the textures.

Other times, ledges allow Batman to climb on top from one direction, but not the other, or to grapple from one side, but not the other. It is possible that this is a glitch, but the scarier notion is that it was a deliberate game design choice. Often, these moments where the game refuses to let you grapple up to an obvious ledge correspond with a time when it would give Batman a combat advantage in a room of 16 enemies.

The “real” Batman uses these strategic advantages as his bread and butter—so do quality gamers—but Arkham Origins makes the mistake of demanding that the player eschew all paths but those the designers deemed “critical.” It’s their way, or nothing, and so I pace some more.

I hear the developer is very apologetic about these problems. I hear they’ve already patched the game with ferocity. I hear that these issues are being taken very seriously. But, even if they hammer out the technical issues, it would take a miracle to remedy the condescending way this Batman game presents itself. Batman, world’s greatest detective, held by the hand, dragged through a mundane world, and punished for improvisation.

But hey, at least they found a way to bring the Joker back, right?