I’m going to have the unpopular opinion here – I know I am – but let‘s just get this over with and get back to our Christmases! The Husbands of River Song is not a great episode and that conclusion is based on a lot of aspects for me.

I wanted to like it! I wanted to LOVE it… But there’s just so many little things that bug me, I’d dare say this is the weakest of River Song’s outings and that’s awful because this is her last.

Technically, and I mean from a technical stand point, it’s sound but did anyone stop caring about certain moments when certain things occurred? Saaaaay… Asset reusage?

Seriously. This episode was made ON THE CHEAP. Not to say it’s not fine to do so, just… Try harder. We just saw that alley way set in quite a pivotal episode – you can’t dump fake snow over it and expect us not to notice it. Same with the quarry where the ship crashes, it’s clearly the same quarry where the Doctor met Babby Davros. Not to mention the big red robot in the room, clearly on lone from Dinosaurs on a Spaceship. It’s like the town called Christmas cameoing in the Zygon two-parter this season. Recognisable locales and props really need to be dressed up differently if you’re going to reuse them.

Now, I was all ready to rail against River for being a callous bitch for this episode but then she had a monologue that kind of explained some things. River’s rampant polyamory, her supposed lack of conscience and her ignorance of the Doctor’s true identity all strike me as wrong. We’ve already got a Captain Jack and confirming both Clara’s and River’s bisexuality in one season smacks of Russell T Davies and I thought we were done with that nonsense.

River has always been the pragmatist in the relationship, always willing to kill should the need be there but only as a last resort. In this episode, she appears much more cavalier about killing people and I’m glad the Doctor called her out on it.

And then there’s the complete stupidity of River NOT realising that the eccentric man in odd clothes she’s dragging on a caper is the man she loves. HOW? We waste a good 45 minutes with the ‘comical misunderstanding’ and that blows because once they’re both on the same page, Capaldi and Kingston have fantastic chemistry and it’s a shame we get so little of it.

That said, the Doctor doing the ‘first time in the TARDIS’ is pretty hilarious.

So, what does the last stand of River Song really mean? Not a whole lot in my opinion and I’m not sure whether that’s because this episode is genuinely mediocre or because this event has been five seasons in the making and it could never meet what I had in my mind. I was expecting a star-spanning adventure and what we got was a bungled caper played for laughs.

Naturally, as River’s last stand, this episode is a must-see but it’s really not her best showing. Which is a shame, because we’ll never see her again.

Merry Christmas, dear readers and we’ll be back next year for more No, YOU’RE a TARDIS.

If you’re lost, you can look and you will find it; a personally polarising season finale of Doctor Who! Yes, season 9 is finally over and what did we learn?

That Moffat refuses to kill Clara just to spite me. I’m convinced of it now. I could have handled the DinerClara being one of the dozens of time-shadows in the Doctor’s past but this? Insert the Sideshow Bob getting hit by a rake noise here.

So what fun can we have on Gallifrey now that it’s back? Wait, that’s Rassilon!? Fuck, you really got a downgrade from The Daltonator, didn’t ya chief? Still, seeing Gallifrey’s surprising fealty for the Doctor is pretty damn cool! The General’s surprise regeneration was neat too. Changed race and gender but still kept the buzz cut! Still, that was a dick-move by the Doctor.

“Tomorrow is promised to no-one, but I insist upon my past. I am entitled to that.” I think that line sums up more about what Clara should have been in this episode than anything else. The Doctor went full Timelord Victorious by resurrecting her and while I hate that it happened, it fit with his character.

The problem is that Clara has several moments of clarity where she knows that she should not be but the tumblr-baiting shipping trash just refuses to be taken out. All the “I love you”’s unsaid and the illusory feelings of attraction taints what would otherwise be an end with shades of Donna Noble but unlike the heart-wrenching goodbye we had there…

Clara gets to live! With Ashildr! In a TARDIS. Like this is fucking FANFICTION. Fucking-fuckity-fuck right off, Moffat! In short:

But, at the very least, there is some good here. The call back to Amy and Rory is cool, as well as the default/Mark I TARDIS. Oh, and then there’s Capaldi 2.0.

With the memory of Clara mostly gone, we get a clean slate for Capaldi’s Doctor and with a fresh Doctor comes the only things that matter. Fresh clothes and a fresh sonic screwdriver! Man, I felt such joy during this sequence, it felt great that we were getting back to basics.

So overall, how does this season finale stand? It’s entertaining and apart from some personal issues I have with it, it was a good way to close the book what was undoubtedly a dark chapter in the Doctor’s life (but not in the way we were promised.) What does the next chapter hold? Well, I know what’s coming up in just a few weeks…

And I cannot wait for Doctor Who to be fun again. See you soon!

How am I meant to talk about this episode? An in-depth look into the Doctor’s grief inside an automated haunted maze of his own creation? Pfft. Fuck no. That shit’s for psyche students. I’m here for continuity and hype!

Alright. From a production stand-point, this is a fantastic episode. It was tense, atmospheric and creepy and I think that’s thanks to the directorial work of Rachel Talalay. An American director and producer, her previous work on Who includes last season’s two-part finale Dark Water/Death in Heaven and she’s running the show for this season’s finale.

Flash Fact (Yes, wrong review series but I’ll do what I want, I need to fill up space): Talalay’s other films include her directorial debut, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare and Tank Girl. That’s right. The one who directed this piece of tense subtlety also directed…

Aaron’s favourite movie of all time. What a difference twenty years makes, huh?

Clara returns in a similar fashion to Amy, as a mental projection to the Doctor. In the words of Spoon from Dog Soldiers: “I love it when a posh bird talks dirty.”

Huh. So that’s what it does. Weird. From a plot standpoint, the whole castle thing is a dud. Sure, the concept of an automated labyrinth that the Doctor has to find the centre to is cool but the reality is just a lot of him wandering around talking to himself. Don’t get me wrong, Capaldi kept me engaged the whole time but once you know the gimmick (about 30 minutes before the episode tells you) it’s kind of… rubbish.

So yeah, this episode is cool and creepy and will keep you engaged despite not a lot happening but, let’s face it, next week is what we’re all waiting for. Gallifrey has returned home, the Doctor has come calling and one thing is for certain…

He’s Hell Bent.

First off, everyone give Jenna Coleman a round of applause. No, I’m being serious. Do it. She deserves it.

I guess I should get all the gubbins out of the way first. Rigsy’s return is very much welcome but god is he wasted here. He’s little more than a glorified extra and that’s a shame. Here was a character with a lot of charm and wit to him but he’s little more than set dressing for most of the episode.

Much like the returning Ashildr/Me, mayor of Diagon Alley ummm… Diagon Alley. Yeah, it pretty much is, let’s face it. It’s a fantastic concept and I hope it gets revisted soon. Maisie Williams’ is just another familiar face that is ultimately thrown by the way-side. I almost wish the Paternoster Gang were here to see Clara here but I have no doubt they’d just be wasted too.

Clara’s exit was much better than I expected. It was great, in fact. A journey that began three years ago with Asylum of the Daleks, continued in The Snowmen and began proper with The Bells of St. Johns, Clara has been… Hit and miss as regular readers will know.

She’s really been getting on my tits since Capaldi became the Doctor, mostly because she was the wrong kind of companion when she was around him. On her own, she was a strong, independent woman who could stand side-by-side with anyone at UNIT and face down even the Doctor’s worst enemies. By his side… She was Martha/Rose at their worst and that’s a damn shame.

This season was the worst of it but, in retrospect, it makes sense. She’s had a death wish ever since Danny died. When the Doctor left her, she threw herself into her work. When Danny died, she threw herself into the Doctor’s world. She’s been more aggressive, more reckless and more reliant on the Doctor for emotion, which is bad news on a whole bunch of fronts.

But for all her faults, for all the Tumblr-baiting bullshit we’ve had to endure and for the sake of Rigsy and his little girl, Clara sacrifices her life of her own free will. Granted, she didn’t quite know what she was doing but when she came face-to-face with the result, she embraced it. She was flawed, she was annoying and she could wind me up something fierce but when it came to her final moments…

She was brave. Jenna’s performance in this scene makes up for every single bit of annoyance. This is Jenna acting her arse off without being tied down by the BS love plot and it is glorious. It’s powerful, it’s emotional and it’s a death worthy of a companion.

In the aftermath… Hoo-boy, Capaldi gets to show his chops too. He goes full ‘Wrath of the Time Lord’ and it is chilling. I pity the poor sap who wants him captured.

Post-credits sees Rigsy decorate the TARDIS with a mural for Clara and I’ll admit… That got me.
What does the future hold? I guess we’ll see who wants the Doctor so badly (and will probably regret it) next week in Heaven Sent.

Well… That was… Interesting, I guess? Not gonna lie folks, this one has me quite perplexed. I liked it. It was good. But I keep asking the same question of Sleep No More:

What was the point?

What Mark Gatiss has written here is a very intriguing concept, with a fantastic directorial style (big-ups to Justin Molotnikov, survivor of other BBC prime time show; Atlantis and Merlin) and some truly creepy villains but ultimately… It just doesn’t go anywhere.

The found-footage angle is intriguing and very early on, as soon as Clara’s viewpoint becomes a thing, you start to question it (or, at least I did) and you start to try to second-guess the episode. I was thinking nano-bots and I was kinda right. Kinda.

Nothing is as it seems with this episode and I think that’s by design. Mark Gatiss has often played his Who and Sherlock writing fairly straight but let’s not forget that this is one of the twisted minds behind The League of Gentlemen and a writer for the reboot of Randall & Hopkirk. Mystery and weirdness are second nature to this guy.

The best way to describe the episode is dream-like. It has an other-worldly, ethereal feeling to it, like it’s not quite real and that ambiguity plays into why I think many are unsure how to take this episode. It’s got some amazingly strong ideas but the overall vagueness is so unlike every other episode in this season so far that I think it’s alienated more than a few viewers.

It’s a great episode but it’s definitely an odd one that requires deeper analysis than this humble reviewer is capable of. Someone more attuned to psychological tropes might be able to do something astounding in terms of analysis.

That’s all I’ve got for now folks but be sure to come back next week as we greet some old faces and say goodbye in Face the Raven.

I have to give credit where it’s due and suspend the Clara Backdown 2015 for this week, mostly because A) she spends most of the episode either in a pod or in the background and 2) because what little screen time she does have is pretty good. Why is it that she’s a competent and strong character when out of sight of the Doctor but as soon as she’s near him she turns into Rose/Martha in their worst moments of doe-eyed stupidity?

On the flipside, Jenna Coleman’s performance as Bonnie was an absolute blast to watch, especially opposite herself/Clara. My problem has never been Jenna Coleman, but the character, especially post-Smith’s departure. Bonnie is a fun and sinister villain, probably because she’s wearing the face of someone we know.

Peter Capaldi’s performance in this episode was amazing, there’s no other words for it. His gags were as on point as they were last episode and then there was this scene…

Give that man a god damn BAFTA! Capaldi poured his heart and soul into this performance and we finally see shades of the Doctor he’s been teasing since he stepped into the role. A Doctor so utterly frustrated by the stupidity of those around him that his default tone is patronising but every jeer and sly jab is for the other person’s benefit. He goads and challenges and taunts because people, humanity especially, can be better and he’ll make damn sure they realise it. The 12th Doctor is an exercise in universal tough-love.

The Zygon Invasion/Inversion, while stumbling with it’s symbolism in the first part, sticks it’s landing and delivers the most compelling episode of the season. Frankly, I can’t wait to see how Mark Gatiss follows this episode up next week with Sleep No More.

The Zygon Invasion is the best episode we’ve had all season and the knowledge that we’ll be getting a second part to this is pretty exciting. Sure, there’s some dumb bullshit in the episode but for the most part, it was pretty engaging.

Now, let’s talk about social commentary. Personally, I like it in science fiction but it needs subtlety. Guile. Something other than a smack in the face. So when this episode approaches the Zygon invasion as a proxy for Muslim radicalisation, I could see that being pretty interesting. Then I remember this was written by Peter Harness, the same man who wrote Kill The Moon aka THIS IS ABOUT ABORTION!: The Episode.

It was handled about as ham-fistedly as you’d expect from this clown but apart from that, there’s some good writing here. There’s tension, there’s wit and there’s a really awesome twist!

The reappearance of Osgood was a head-scratcher for most, and the reveal that she may/may not have been a Zygon is a good way around that. They never let it slip if the remaining Osgood is human or Zygon, cleverly having her shake even the Doctor’s confidence by Osgood insisting that she’s both.

Kate Stewart’s return is very welcome but she feels a little more gung-ho in this episode. Still, that may be because she’s the Kate-Zygon, much like there’s a second Osgood around. I don’t know, character inconsistencies usually get chalked up to doppelgangers, right?

Speaking of spitting images, did anyone else notice that the Zygon town was the same location as the town Christmas from Time of The Doctor? I wonder if Truth and Consequences has been used before…

Man, that Clara reveal was soooo good! Is it too much to ask that Clara is dead and the evil Zygon-Clara can be the antagonist for the rest of the season? Jenna Coleman makes an excellent villain, she’s got the right look of evil about her. Hell, she could play Missy and I’d be happy.

So that’s the first half of the Zygon two-parter and I really enjoyed it and I really hope the second half isn’t terrible but we’ll find out next week with The Zygon Inversion.

Ah, c’mon! I had to get a pun in this review! The Woman Who Lived is the companion piece to the last week’s The Girl Who Lived but it’s definitely the stronger of the pair, with fantastic writing, humour and set pieces.

Catherine Tregenna is no stranger to Who lore, having penned some of the more outstanding episodes of Torchwood but, oddly, is only the second woman to write for Doctor Who proper since the revival (the other being Helen Raynor, who penned The Sontaran Strategem and Poison Sky).

Maisie Williams is on strong form this episode, delivering a really compelling performance. Her life after the Doctor is similar to that of many former companions but longer and more fraught with tragedy. Despite spending centuries waiting for the Doctor, it’s good to see that she wasn’t idle, gaining new abilities and experiencing new things. Like child death… Woof. Tough break, kid. Still, you make a hell of a highwayman.

Her question about loss is perfect for this scenario, one immortal to another. But while Ashildr (I’m not calling her Me, it’s good for a character but writing it as a reviewer reflects more about my working class upbringing than I care for) has become uncaring for human beings, the Doctor never has. He’s lost many Claras (literally in some cases) and they were all worth his time, for however long that was. Including…

SQUEE! Of course I marked out for Captain Jack! John Barrowman is a joy and I would love for him to return one day, perhaps even with Ashildr in tow?

In terms of other guests stars, we have Ariyon Bakare as Leandro, in some awesome looking lion make-up. Hope they use this again because it looks great. We also have an unrecognisable Rufus Hound as Sam Swift! I was racking my brain trying to figure out who the actor was and it was good old Rufus. He did a fantastic job playing a punny highwayman.

The Woman Who Lived is a fantastic episode. Humour, compelling characters and just a solid story all around. I hope the series can keep this momentum going as we return to contemporary Earth and to UNIT with The Zygon Invasion.

Jamie Mathieson might just be my new favourite Who writer. Between Mummy on the Orient Express, Flatline and now The Girl Who Died, he’s batting a thousand with entertaining episodes. Sure, the villains are a bit one note (See: Judoon-ish) but the character interaction is just delicious.

The Clara Backdown 2015 is halted for the week because Clara is not offensive this week. Hell, the Doctor’s line of “Oh, Clara… What have I made of you?” is exactly what I wanted for the beginning of her downfall and, though I am loathe to admit it, she looks cute as hell in the Satan’s Space Suit.

The Vikings are really anachronistic but that’s something for a history nerd to bitch about, I did like the “I think he was being sarcastic” line though.

Ashildr, played by Game of Thrones’ Maisie Williams, is yet another should-be companion and her ultimate fate is pretty interesting. She essentially gets Jack Harkness’d but unlike Ten, Twelve shows a degree of compassion by offering her a way to immortalise another person, someone she couldn’t live without. That’s got to be a thread we’ll pick up in the future but for now, we see the immediate burden that’s now been placed on her shoulders.

The nature of immortality is more tragic the more you really think about it. It’s not a gift, it’s a curse and as the Doctor all but says; dying is a privilege, one that immortals can never really earn.

That said, dying isn’t as good as living and in a wonderful epiphany, we finally see the resolution to the whole face plot. The Doctor flashes back to his time as Ten and Donna’s pleading to save someone in the Fires of Pompeii, one of the people being Caecilius (a part played by Peter Capaldi) and what that face means. Saving lives is what the Doctor does, even if it’s just one. Plus I love it for basically having Ten show up and give Twelve a mental kick in the ass and have a subtle dig because Donna is the superior companion.

While not considered a two-parter by the wiki (god knows why, they’re definitely connected) Ashildr’s story continues next week as we stand and deliver for The Woman Who Lived.

Oh boy… Yet another episode with cool concepts made mediocre by bad plot and blatant pandering (the bad kind, not the good kind we like on this website).

The Bootstrap Paradox is an interesting concept to say the least. It’s an endless loop of idea generation that is quintessentially Who. I loved it. Not so sure about breaking the fourth wall to do it though… The Doctor talking to the audience is usually something reserved for promos and it just feels… out of place in an actual episode. Bonus points for the Magpie Electricals nod and for Capaldi (presumably) riffing the Doctor Who theme.

There’s also a nice nod to the Timelord Victorious when the Doctor decides he’ll fuck with time to save Clara and the TARDIS puts a stop to that sharpish. The old girl is learning.

Oh, Clara. You callous tumblr-fodder, you. I can’t wait for you to die or, better yet, for the Doctor to realise that you’re not the person you once were and to abandon you. I’ve never wanted a companion gone as much as Clara now, and that’s saying something considering we’ve had Martha, but even she would never put the lives of innocents below her own. Shame on you, Clara. Jenna Coleman deserves a better role than this.

You know who would make better companions? Cass/Lunn and O’Donnell.

Cass goes full-on Toph Bei-Fong in this episode and it’s a fantastic bit of character building. Sophie Stone did a fantastic job, especially in this episode. Her resolution with Lunn, her translator, is also pretty cute.

O’Donnell. The companion who should have been. Another case of a Doctor fan being a fun character and companion potential being cut down. Just like poor Osgood. Shame.

On the plus side, O’Donnell is a font of foreshadowing and fun references.

The Fisher King also gets side-lined, despite being a really impressive creature with a haunting voice. Again, a shame and a waste.

Another mediocre two-parter, with interesting concepts that are left by the way-side for the sake of shipping. Hopefully, Jamie Mathieson’s return will herald a genuinely good episode with Vikings and dragons and Game of Thrones’ stars but given Moffat’s involvement… I won’t hold my breath for The Girl Who Died.