So, the second part of the Season 9 opener, eh? Took until two minutes before I began writing this to figure out that the titles were referencing Clara. Which is funny because I don’t remember her doing a god damn thing in this episode. Seriously, what did she do? Go on, I’ll make a cup of tea while you rack your brains trying to think of something she did in this episode other than be set dressing and/or a damsel.

See? Fucking nothing.

And that’s another thing! The whole tea thing! Sure, the Doctor bombing around in Davros’ chair is pretty damn fun, I’m not denying that but this line. THIS LINE.

This is Moffat’s mission statement nowadays. I can handle a lot of bullshit in my fiction, especially science fiction, but that line is tantamount to “Fuck it, we’ll do it live!”. It’s what’s been bothering me about the last season of Who and what we’ve so far in this one. No one is controlling Moffat. A couple years ago, that was fine because within a structured season, when he was writing the odd episode, his work stood out. Now it’s the norm and there’s no structure anymore.

Most of the old, outstanding plot lines from RTD have been resolved so what’s left? Anything Moffat can think up on the fly. Literally throwing shit at a wall to see what sticks…

Okay, let’s talk about the few good points because god knows the main plot is dreck…

This shot is amazing. One thing I do like that they’ve done since Moffat took over is emphasise the legacy of the Doctor. He’s had many lives and they’re all important, not just the last two or three. It’s a shame we didn’t see a Tom Baker stand-in do some stuntwork against the… invisible assassins… HurrrrrghMOVING ON.

Davros. Holy fuck, who knew we could almost have a compelling villain on our hands? Hell, who knew Davros had a sense of humour? Just imagine if this was the last Davros story and he’d become more than a Dalek with a flesh face. Shame that doesn’t happen but for for the briefest instant, we saw something great and I applaud Julian Bleach for an outstanding performance.

Hey Missy, you so fine. You so fine, you the only reason I got through these episodes. Hey Missy. *clap clap*

Seriously, Michelle Gomez is taking what John Simm did and dialing it up to 12 and I’m enjoying it immensely. She’s Smith’s playful Doctor with Tennant’s wit and Eccleston’s hard edge all rolled into one schizophrenic Mary Poppins figure. To paraphrase Nina Conti: “They’re all perfectly likable traits but with tits, they’re fucking sinister.”

So this episode was a wash of reused ideas, only saved by two compelling performances and a clever camera shot. What have we got next week? Oh, The Unquiet Dead mixed with The Waters of Mars. Who’s writing it? Toby Whitehouse?

… Okay. I’ll give it a chance.

You all excited for the brand-new, explosive, heart-pounding, dog-frightening season of Doctor Who? ARE YOU?

No, me neither so I figured I’d change up the formula a bit, something more akin to our Tease Me, Baby! trailer reviews. Instead of going in depth, I’ll just give my brief thoughts on stuff rather than recaps because, frankly, I’ve got other shit I’d rather be doing than talking about mediocre garba–

The Child
Well, fuck me then. The opening teaser is pretty interesting, I’ll give it that and to have the scene bookend the episode was a brilliant choice. Okay, that was good, what else have you got Moffat?

The New Dynamic Duo
Despite Clara being the main reason for me being unhype about the new season, Jenna Coleman plays her pretty well here as an agent of UNIT. Throw The Master into the mix and you’ve got a fun hate/hate relationship that’s more compelling to watch than Doctor/Clara one, to be sure.

The Clara Backdown 2015 Edition
Yup, this is exactly why I was ambivalent towards the new season (the fact that it was pushed back to almost October didn’t help). Less than 30 seconds within the same scene as the Doctor and Clara is back to the doe-eyed doofus that I despise. How’s Capaldi’s performance?

Witness Me!
Piss-poor as it turns out. Maybe it’s because Capaldi’s Doctor has suddenly become Smith’s Doctor or maybe it’s because, for a really stupid reason, the Doctor is convinced he’s dying. Also, Moffat? Bubala. We’ve all seen Mad Max, mate. Pull your head out of your plagiaristic arse.

The Ball Sacks
Yaaaaay, Skaro’s baaaaack… Are we going to see the Time War 2: Trouble in Jamaica once Gallifrey reappears? Probably not. I’m mildly interested to see how this plays out because there’s potential here for some fantastic scene but I’m not holding my breath.

The Verdict
Mediocre. Very mediocre. There’s nuggets of goodness here but it’s a little too few and far between for my liking. Probably the weakest season opener since Martha’s first appearance (another story that features a Judoon, strangely) but come back next week and see if the second part of the Season 9 premiere can salvage this story.

Doctor Who season eight comes to a close with Death in Heaven, a thoroughly dreary and depressing affair and something of a lacklustre finale, only saved by the performances of most of the cast.

The Clara Backdown can finally end because Jenna Coleman’s character, veteran of a season and a half, ends her tenure as a companion and I breath a huge sigh of relief. Clara could be a fantastic character at times but, as a whole, she is the wrong kind of companion for Capaldi’s Doctor. In a fun moment at the start of the episode, after Clara declares herself to be the Doctor, the credits roll and Jenna Coleman’s name swaps places with Capaldi’s, and her eyes replace his later in the credits. It’s a clever little wink to the audience. The final goodbye between the Doctor and Clara is a microcosm of their emotional relationship. Even knowing they’ll never see each other again, they’re all too willing to lie to one another, perfectly summed up in the line: “Never trust a hug, you can’t see someone’s face.”

Danny gets the short end of the stick, first getting jobbed out by a car and becoming a hired goon in a Cyber-Suit for Missy. His performance is strong as steel and gets a big damn hero moment and a speech worthy of Stacker Pentecost. Still, Samuel Anderson is a fantastic actor and despite getting dumped on all season, I hope to see him in other stuff in the future.

Guest stars come thick and fast, with the return of Jemma Redgrave and Ingrid Oliver as Kate Stewart and Osgood, respectively. Kate is still living up to her father’s legacy and I’m glad she keeps appearing, another case of a character we need to see more of. Osgood… Poor sweet and smart and adorable Osgood… I’m pretty bummed by her death, more so than Danny. Danny got to be a badass, Osgood was little more than fodder and that’s just plain wrong. Sanjeev Bhaskar also guest stars but his role primarily consists of saying “It was Captain Scarlet” and getting sucked out of a plane window. Such a waste of a good actor. We also get the return of… THE BRIGADIER! In a last minute save, a now Cyberised Brigadier saved his daughter after she fell from the plane and finally gets that salute he always wanted from the Doctor. Then he flies off, presumably to solder on a metal moustache and fight aliens as CyberBrig.

Missy; aka The Master, aka Missy Poppins, aka Miguel Sanchez Michelle Gomez takes the performance from last week and dials it up to Heath Ledger! Obviously taking some elements from John Simm’s Master and adding her own hectic, bat-shit-insane mannerisms to it. Gomez is a very express and energetic actress and I’m glad to see that transfer into her performance as the Doctor’s oldest nemesis. Missy escaped thanks to the Doctors’ intervention and moving Gallifrey out of time (Thus negating John Simm’s tenure as the Master?). Her ultimate fate is mysterious, as the effect of her being vaporised is the same as the teleportation she used earlier so perhaps she can return in the future!

Peter Capaldi’s first season as the Doctor has been very rocky. Inconsistent writing, coupled with the wrong companion has made this whole season very lacklustre, despite some very strong episodes and performances by him. As the Doctor and Clara part ways and the credits roll, we suddenly cut back into the TARDIS with a melancholy Doctor and a booming voice at the door. Our mysterious caller enters the TARDIS and…

IT’S SANTA! *flails* Nick Frost’s role in the upcoming Christmas episode is confirmed with his appearance here and I cheered. Love me some Nick Frost and he is going to play this perfectly! As for the Christmas episode itself? Check it out:

Nick Frost as Santa in a Doctor Who episode homaging John Carpenter’s The Thing? SOLD! I’ll see you guys at Christmas!

After watching Dark Water, I looked back on the season and realised that the over-arcing theme of darkness was barely present, only two episodes really lived up to that potential. Don’t get me wrong, there were still great episodes this season but compared to Dark Water, most of them are weak sauce.

Dark Water doesn’t pull its punches from the get-go when Danny is ploughed down by a car before the credits. Jaysus… I know I wanted this season to be darker but still… Danny Pink was cool. Not cool, show. Naturally, Clara is traumatised but her wheels are already turning on a plan. She is purposely going to betray her friendship with the Doctor to get Danny back and for the first time in who knows how long, I actually admire Clara.

She’s got some chops to pull this stunt and I’m actually impressed with her preparation, stealing all spare TARDIS keys and knocking the Doctor out after asking to see a volcano. This plan is pretty genius and, even more shockingly, Clara follows through and throws all of the keys into the lava! It’s a brilliant strategy and even after the shock of what she’s done hits her, she still admits that she’d do it again, even before this scenario is revealed to be a dream state. It’s an incredible show of strength on Clara’s part and Jenna Coleman plays it very strongly but it’s just a shame that she’s just kinda… there for the rest of the episode. Luckily, Capaldi is on hand to carry this episode.

The Doctor, despite being betrayed, cares far too much for Clara for that to matter and takes her to the Nethersphere to where he gets be an asshole to guys in suits, which is fun. He gets molested by Missy, who is pretending to be an overly amorous android and threatens to beat someone with a shoe! He realises a little too late that the skeletons in the cells are actually Cybermen. Just a shame that a lot of promo material spoiled this because they clues would have been cool to solve on their own merit but if someone didn’t see trailers and such, this would have been a fun little mystery.

The various guest characters are pretty solid. Seb, played by Thick of It’s Chris Addison, is a delightful dickbag who condescends Danny in his post-death confusion and then there’s Dr. Chang who reveals what 3W means and that’s pretty gruesome and that‘s what makes this episode so fantastic! There’s also a small boy that Danny killed during wartime, something that’s been alluded to before. Sort of predictable but Samuel Anderson plays out Danny’s grief as well as can be expected.

SO! That Missy reveal, huh? People (including myself) had been speculating her identity since the start of the season and it’s finally revealed that she’s the Master, or rather, the Mistress. While the reveal is awesome, it couldn’t have been the Rani? Or maybe an embittered Romana? Regardless, Michelle Gomez is fully channeling John Simms’ particular brand of Master Madness which makes her quite entertaining. With a Monty Python reference, she initiates the Cyberman invasion of six dudes. I found it funny that this was the extent of the enemy force after the whole “the dead outnumber the living” line. It’s an awesome line but kind of undercut by having only 6 dudes in Cyber-suits.

Dark Water is a fantastic start to the season finale but you don’t need me to tell you that, you saw it! I’m excited to see where this goes so I’ll see you next week for Death in Heaven.