Oh my god, we’re back again. Just in time for your Halloween movie watching experience. Like bloody murders? Like evil cults? Like Johnny Depp? Then you’ll most likely enjoy From Hell.

Plus, the most horrifying of all; Lizard person Heather Graham.

We’d like to apologise to Ms Graham for our ruining of her career and also to you the listening public for going off topic A LOT in this one.

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It may not be cool to enjoy the Pirates Of The Caribbean movies but I have to say I’ve enjoyed them all. Sure, Orlando Bloom has all the screen presence of… well… nothing, really. And yes, Keira Knightley’s angular face could carve a turkey, sure. But the movies were damn fun and this was mostly down to the on-screen antics of Captain Jack Sparrow.

I’m not as enamored with Johnny Depp as most people are. I find him to be very hit-and-miss with a lot of his films but his creation of this drunken pirate was right on the money. And if he bowed out of this film like messrs Bloom and Knightly I’d find it hard to be interested in this fourth installment.

As it is, however, it’s almost like they’ve dumped some dead weight holding the franchise down. This fresh start sees Sparrow venture out on his own, although obviously he meets a cast of characters on the way.

So lets take a look at the trailer and try to figure out if this PotC will be as swashbuckling as the last three.

For what it’s worth, here are my thoughts…

– “I’m getting too old for this shit”

In a way, Sparrow’s bored look here will probably be shared by a lot of people. “Really? We’re going to do this again?”.

But as he himself states later on, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey that’s important… something I think the writers have been using as a mantra, I’m sure.

Will the audience care about The Fountain of Youth? I certainly don’t but I don’t think that will stop people going to see this either.

– Hello Mr. Lovejoy

American audiences probably wouldn’t have seen the show and the younger of our readers probably wouldn’t remember it anyway but when I see Ian McShane, I don’t see anyone but housewife lothario and antiques dealer Lovejoy from the old TV show of the same name.

I’m sure all you see is “that guy from Deadwood” but not me. It will be interesting to see how he does as Blackbeard.

– Cruz-in for a bruisin’

Jeez. I have never liked Penelope Cruz. She gets plenty of plaudits and yeah, it’s admirable that she’s acting here in her second language but really? This is who you get for your female lead?

Have we not evolved as a soceity to learn from Tom Cruise’s mistakes?

– Love Will Tear Us Apart, Again

So it looks like this will be our bleeding heart story this time round. Some pirate we don’t know will fall for some mermaid we don’t care about.

She’s hot and doesn’t know how to use her legs. He’s topless and rugged. It’s going to slow down the film and we’ll all be bored of it within the first 40 minutes. But you keep forcing it down our necks Disney. Make us care until we bleed!

– Splishy Splashy

Speaking of the whole mermaid thing…

Flying mermaids? Well, it could be worse. They could have brought back Legolas.

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This is a poor trailer, it’s messy and long winded. It’s the trailer version of a drunk person shouting at you in a bar trying to tell you the plot to a movie. “So there’s Johnny Depp, and he’s captured, and then there’s the fountain of youth, and Lovejoy! and they’re gonna fight or something, and they look for something, and there is all kinds of crazy stuff…”

They’re right in a sense to pitch it to you in this way as we’re all familiar with the characters and each film has been almost a carbon copy of the previous just with the villains changing. They don’t have to put effort in to get you interested, we know what we’re going to get without having to see any of this. Sadly, it’s a system that works and I’ll probably fall for it again this May.