If you’re lost, you can look and you will find it; a personally polarising season finale of Doctor Who! Yes, season 9 is finally over and what did we learn?

That Moffat refuses to kill Clara just to spite me. I’m convinced of it now. I could have handled the DinerClara being one of the dozens of time-shadows in the Doctor’s past but this? Insert the Sideshow Bob getting hit by a rake noise here.

So what fun can we have on Gallifrey now that it’s back? Wait, that’s Rassilon!? Fuck, you really got a downgrade from The Daltonator, didn’t ya chief? Still, seeing Gallifrey’s surprising fealty for the Doctor is pretty damn cool! The General’s surprise regeneration was neat too. Changed race and gender but still kept the buzz cut! Still, that was a dick-move by the Doctor.

“Tomorrow is promised to no-one, but I insist upon my past. I am entitled to that.” I think that line sums up more about what Clara should have been in this episode than anything else. The Doctor went full Timelord Victorious by resurrecting her and while I hate that it happened, it fit with his character.

The problem is that Clara has several moments of clarity where she knows that she should not be but the tumblr-baiting shipping trash just refuses to be taken out. All the “I love you”’s unsaid and the illusory feelings of attraction taints what would otherwise be an end with shades of Donna Noble but unlike the heart-wrenching goodbye we had there…

Clara gets to live! With Ashildr! In a TARDIS. Like this is fucking FANFICTION. Fucking-fuckity-fuck right off, Moffat! In short:

But, at the very least, there is some good here. The call back to Amy and Rory is cool, as well as the default/Mark I TARDIS. Oh, and then there’s Capaldi 2.0.

With the memory of Clara mostly gone, we get a clean slate for Capaldi’s Doctor and with a fresh Doctor comes the only things that matter. Fresh clothes and a fresh sonic screwdriver! Man, I felt such joy during this sequence, it felt great that we were getting back to basics.

So overall, how does this season finale stand? It’s entertaining and apart from some personal issues I have with it, it was a good way to close the book what was undoubtedly a dark chapter in the Doctor’s life (but not in the way we were promised.) What does the next chapter hold? Well, I know what’s coming up in just a few weeks…

And I cannot wait for Doctor Who to be fun again. See you soon!

You all excited for the brand-new, explosive, heart-pounding, dog-frightening season of Doctor Who? ARE YOU?

No, me neither so I figured I’d change up the formula a bit, something more akin to our Tease Me, Baby! trailer reviews. Instead of going in depth, I’ll just give my brief thoughts on stuff rather than recaps because, frankly, I’ve got other shit I’d rather be doing than talking about mediocre garba–

The Child
Well, fuck me then. The opening teaser is pretty interesting, I’ll give it that and to have the scene bookend the episode was a brilliant choice. Okay, that was good, what else have you got Moffat?

The New Dynamic Duo
Despite Clara being the main reason for me being unhype about the new season, Jenna Coleman plays her pretty well here as an agent of UNIT. Throw The Master into the mix and you’ve got a fun hate/hate relationship that’s more compelling to watch than Doctor/Clara one, to be sure.

The Clara Backdown 2015 Edition
Yup, this is exactly why I was ambivalent towards the new season (the fact that it was pushed back to almost October didn’t help). Less than 30 seconds within the same scene as the Doctor and Clara is back to the doe-eyed doofus that I despise. How’s Capaldi’s performance?

Witness Me!
Piss-poor as it turns out. Maybe it’s because Capaldi’s Doctor has suddenly become Smith’s Doctor or maybe it’s because, for a really stupid reason, the Doctor is convinced he’s dying. Also, Moffat? Bubala. We’ve all seen Mad Max, mate. Pull your head out of your plagiaristic arse.

The Ball Sacks
Yaaaaay, Skaro’s baaaaack… Are we going to see the Time War 2: Trouble in Jamaica once Gallifrey reappears? Probably not. I’m mildly interested to see how this plays out because there’s potential here for some fantastic scene but I’m not holding my breath.

The Verdict
Mediocre. Very mediocre. There’s nuggets of goodness here but it’s a little too few and far between for my liking. Probably the weakest season opener since Martha’s first appearance (another story that features a Judoon, strangely) but come back next week and see if the second part of the Season 9 premiere can salvage this story.