I’m going to have the unpopular opinion here – I know I am – but let‘s just get this over with and get back to our Christmases! The Husbands of River Song is not a great episode and that conclusion is based on a lot of aspects for me.

I wanted to like it! I wanted to LOVE it… But there’s just so many little things that bug me, I’d dare say this is the weakest of River Song’s outings and that’s awful because this is her last.

Technically, and I mean from a technical stand point, it’s sound but did anyone stop caring about certain moments when certain things occurred? Saaaaay… Asset reusage?

Seriously. This episode was made ON THE CHEAP. Not to say it’s not fine to do so, just… Try harder. We just saw that alley way set in quite a pivotal episode – you can’t dump fake snow over it and expect us not to notice it. Same with the quarry where the ship crashes, it’s clearly the same quarry where the Doctor met Babby Davros. Not to mention the big red robot in the room, clearly on lone from Dinosaurs on a Spaceship. It’s like the town called Christmas cameoing in the Zygon two-parter this season. Recognisable locales and props really need to be dressed up differently if you’re going to reuse them.

Now, I was all ready to rail against River for being a callous bitch for this episode but then she had a monologue that kind of explained some things. River’s rampant polyamory, her supposed lack of conscience and her ignorance of the Doctor’s true identity all strike me as wrong. We’ve already got a Captain Jack and confirming both Clara’s and River’s bisexuality in one season smacks of Russell T Davies and I thought we were done with that nonsense.

River has always been the pragmatist in the relationship, always willing to kill should the need be there but only as a last resort. In this episode, she appears much more cavalier about killing people and I’m glad the Doctor called her out on it.

And then there’s the complete stupidity of River NOT realising that the eccentric man in odd clothes she’s dragging on a caper is the man she loves. HOW? We waste a good 45 minutes with the ‘comical misunderstanding’ and that blows because once they’re both on the same page, Capaldi and Kingston have fantastic chemistry and it’s a shame we get so little of it.

That said, the Doctor doing the ‘first time in the TARDIS’ is pretty hilarious.

So, what does the last stand of River Song really mean? Not a whole lot in my opinion and I’m not sure whether that’s because this episode is genuinely mediocre or because this event has been five seasons in the making and it could never meet what I had in my mind. I was expecting a star-spanning adventure and what we got was a bungled caper played for laughs.

Naturally, as River’s last stand, this episode is a must-see but it’s really not her best showing. Which is a shame, because we’ll never see her again.

Merry Christmas, dear readers and we’ll be back next year for more No, YOU’RE a TARDIS.

Despite how plagiaristic this is and how all of those elements mixed into an hour long CHRISTMAS special could culminate in a festering stew pot of rancid puke, I felt that the episode worked pretty well. It kept me invested, the monsters were scary, Nick Frost was a delight and the danger was all to real from start to finish.

Plot-wise, this is the mind-bendiest episode in a while but ultimately, very easy to follow but still no less entertaining, thanks to the thick atmosphere and excellent performances from the cast (except for those fucking elves.)

Nick Frost brings his trademark charm and wit to a role that could have easily been trite and lacking, well, personality. When you think about people playing Santa Claus, you get all the same tired-ass notes being played; like those same Christmas songs you hear every year. But thankfully, Frost brings his lovable personality and girth and make this Santa one to be remembered. I also love the animosity/begrudging respect between Santa and The Doctor. I really enjoyed sly dig he gives to the Doctor, who visibly seethes at the joke. The rest of the guest cast is solid, if very forgettable, only really being there as damsels.

I think my favourite sequence of the whole episode is when Clara first realises she’s in a dream and is swiping away the words on the blackboard. It’s a very simple editing trick but god damn is it an effective, creative and unnerving shot. I loved it!

In terms of returning cast members, we have Jenna Coleman, reprising her role as Clara and Samuel Anderson as Danny MF-ing Pink! Anderson is a welcome return, no matter how brief or imaginary because he rocks and his character rocks, being the funniest badass in the room. Clara’s return was not unexpected and, for the most part, perfectly fine. There’s resolution to the plot point of them lying to each other in their final goodbye and, thankfully glossed over because of the mortal danger they’re in. The chemistry is still there and that leads me to the biggest twist of an episode with multi-layered dreams.

FUCK RIGHT OFF.

I’m not sure if my mind is fuzzy from the six-pack of Bulmers I’ve drank this evening or my unforgiving rage. As confirmed by the media and this title card, Jenna Coleman is returning to the series, after an absence of NO EPISODES WHATSOEVER for the entirety Season 9. Huuuuurrrrrrrrgh. The Clara Backdown 2015 starts now!

Overall, a very entertaining, if a little a bit of a copy-cat, episode and I was really invested in it until those last two minutes but they’re not enough to turn me off the episode. Did you guys enjoy it? Are you looking forward to Season 9 and the return of Clara? Let me know what you think in the comments below and Merry Christmas to all you lovely people at home and to all a good night.

Well, that was different to what I expected. When it was advertised that this episode would be the Siege of Trenzalore, I wasn’t expecting the over-arching theme of Smith’s of fairytale whimsy to feature so strongly. While this episode wraps up a lot of the outstanding plotlines of this run, it does so a little clumsily. There’s some stuff you just have to let slide for the sake of the story and I’m okay with that but what I really couldn’t stomach were the jokes. The nakedness and the Christmas dinner stuff in particular fell flat on their respective arses. The repeated sending of Clara back to her own time was tedious too. Nine did it with Rose and it was an important moment, to do it here again not once but twice felt incredibly forced.

So what did I like about this episode? The Siege and the notion of “The Man who stayed for Christmas.” Yeah, it’s a little ham-fisted to call a town Christmas to justify a cool title but it ties into the fairytale aspect of Eleven. The return of the crack (its reveal was very chilling indeed) and its nature as a portal back into our universe for the Timelords was a good way of taking something we haven’t seen in a while and combining it with a something a little newer to create a new plot line. Will there be more cracks in the future? Who knows, but I look forward to finding out.

The Siege itself was an immensely fun sequence. Sans TARDIS, the Doctor is forced to wage a defensive war of attrition against his gathered enemies, all of whom want to stop the return of the Timelords. With a little help from the Papal Mainframe (remember those religious soldiers from The Time of Angels and A Good Man Goes to War? Same folks and they’re actually good guys.) the Doctor takes on all comers. From Sontarans (for a second, I thought it was Strax but probably just his batch brothers or something) and Weeping Angels to Daleks and Cybermen. His role as Sheriff is obviously taking its toll as we see him visibly age over the course of 300 years, greying at the temples and even walking with a cane as he faces down a wooden Cyberman. He’s become a part of this town and they love him, celebrating his every victory. It’s a nice change of pace to see the Doctor stay in one place instead of running away in his TARDIS.

Something that came up as I was rewatching was the mysterious Mother Superious of the Papal Mainframe, Tasha Lem. She is obviously an old friend of the Doctor, even perhaps an old lover but little phrases and details raised some red flags for me. Her mannerisms, ability to fly the TARDIS and, as the Doctor says, she’s been fighting the psychopath inside her all her life. Is… Is she River Song? I know that sounds utterly ridiculous but all those little things add up to her being River Song OR that the role she’s playing right now was meant to be for River’s return and something changed? I dunno, it just bothers me.

Through continuity shuffling, the Doc reveals to Clara that this is his final incarnation, thanks The War Doctor (affectionately called Captain Grump) and the Metacrisis aborted regeneration (Thanks, Ten, you vain sumbitch.)
But thanks to some help from on high (the Timelords) the Doc receives a whole new cycle of regenerations and uses the the energy to destroy the Daleks. The day is saved and in the aftermath, Clara and the Doctor meet inside the TARDIS for one final farewell.

I absolutely loved this scene, unlike Tennant’s masturbatory 20 minutes culminating in the ultimate puss-out line,  Smith approaches his impending regeneration with humility and comfort. You can really tell that he loved every second of his tenure and gives a sly fourth wall breaking nod to the audience. His monologue is especially profound and reassuring, letting the audience know that even though he’s gone, he’ll always be the Doctor. There’s a sweet hallucinatory scene between Eleven and Amy Pond which I found unintentionally hilarious since both were wearing wigs (Karen Gillan shaved her head for her upcoming role in Guardians of The Galaxy.)

With a quick flash, Peter Capaldi comes into the role with bug eyes, a distaste for the colour of his new kidneys and no idea how to fly the TARDIS. It follows the formula of the recent regenerations but I can’t really tell you much about Capaldi until we see him in some episodes but I’m hopeful.

The Time of the Doctor is flawed, I’ll be the first to admit it. It futzes with continuity and a lot of the early jokes are dire but the main plot is intriguing and ties up a lot of the remaining plot threads. Matt Smith’s final outing was fun, emotional and brings the Eleventh Hour to a close as the bell chimes Twelve. Goodnight, Raggedy Man. We will never forget you.

Or Handles.