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I’m really not sure if I’m excited or depressed about there being five Die Hards in existence. On one hand: Bruce Willis is an ageing actor in a movie series of decreasing quality. On the other hand: Die Hard.

Considering the movie is out next month and this is the first time I’ve seen the trailer (released back in October) it’s quite possible that I’m not that only one who is aprehensive about Die Hard 5. It’s only a minute and a half long too, which makes it 30 seconds shorter than the average trailer. Either the studio thinks this will sell without any effort or they don’t want to put much money into marketing a turd. Oh dear.

However, there is no way to know what it’s going to be like without watching the thing so lets take a look, shall we?

– Oh Look, He Said It!

We all know John McClane’s catchphrase. To see him say it in what is no doubt one of the first scenes of the movie (he’s entering the airport that takes him to the destination of the movie so, I’m thinking… 5 minutes into the film?) seems a little anti-climactic.

Maybe they’re just trying to stop making it a big deal. I don’t know, but it seems like a strange place to put it.

– Cold Warrior

For the first time the action takes place outside of America which is funny considering how the first two movies featured airplanes. While the location is new for Die Hard, the country is very familiar to action movies.

I’ll never understand America’s fascination with making Russia an enemy in movies. Yeah, I get that the cold war happened, but considering you never had an actual war with them it just seems mean at this point.

– WHOOOOOOP WHOOOOOOP WHOOOOOP WHOOOOOP WHOOOOOP

See that up there? That’s a big warning alarm. Know why it’s going off? Because John McClane’s son just showed up.

In the history of action movies, sons showing up is a death knell. A siren of the apocalypse. It is the last nail in the action hero’s coffin. It is the producers trying to appeal to a younger viewer demographic because they think the lead star is too old and in a movie like this, that’s not good. Just ask anyone who saw the latest Indiana Jones.

– The Old Reliable

Listen, I’ve pointed out some worrying aspects of the movie but at the end of the day, Die Hard is always good as long as it has Bruce Willis running around in a white tank top getting bloodied and battered by the bad guys. We’ll have that right?

Oh… uh… close enough.

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Remember when GI Joe: Retaliation was going to be a big fun summer romp earlier this year and then preceded to not happen? Yeah, it bummed me out too! This summer had some heavy competition so I could understand delaying ‘til around now to release it but a whole 9 months? No one wanted a 3D conversion and we certainly didn’t want more Channing Tatum but what can you do? That’s what we’re getting and we’re being forced to wait for it. Go back read the original TMB for the majority of my thoughts because this one will be looking at some of the new details coming from this trailer.

[Insert “Joe” Pun Here]

Seriously, in a movie with Dwayne Johnson and Bruce Willis, who was clamouring for more of Tatum’s Duke? No one, but because he’s exploded in popularity with movies like 21 Jump Street and Magic Mike, they wanted to add more scenes and keep him alive instead of killing him with a snake through the heart. Wait, that’s how he was going to die in the ‘86 animated movie, before they changed THAT as well. They just can’t kill Duke!

New World Ordeal

President Zartan, after calling for the death of the GI Joe team, installs Cobra as the new peace-keeping force, which is so ludicrous and blatantly evil that I have to applaud the writers for doing it. It’s 80’s cartoon evil and fits perfectly with the general theme of GI Joe. That’s what I loved about the original movie, it took the campiest aspects of the cartoon and played them straight and it results in a hilariously tongue-in-cheek watch and I hope that continues with this movie, which I think it will.

Doomsday Weapon du jour

Continuing the outlandish sci-fi weaponry of the first movie, we’re introduced to a satellite that can wipe out whole cities and President Zartan is more than willing to prove it as he takes out London. This takes the Paris sequence and dials it up to eleven.

Two Best Friends Play

I love the dynamic between Johnson and Willis. I’d love to see this movie and it’s just these two trading quips throughout every action sequence. I especially love the scene in one of the previous trailers where they go to Willis’s house and he pulls a gun on them and makes a girl scout cookie quip. It’s so John McClane!

GI Joe: Retaliation looks to be a fun action movie and I will be there on March 29 in 2013. YO, JOE!

That’s right, boys and girls! Because you’ve been very good all year, Tease Me, Baby gives you the gift that keeps on giving; a kick-ass trailer for a testosterone-fueled movie!

GI Joe: Rise of Cobra earned lukewarm reviews on its release but in this humble reviewers opinion, it was just a fun movie. Granted, I know next to nothing about GI Joe as a franchise bar a few names and seeing the animated movie when I was young but I thought the first live action outing embraced the silliness of the material and delivered a light-hearted if somewhat flawed romp.

Cut to today and we’ve been given the trailer for it’s sequel which offers more action, more Joe-ness, and Dwayne “Boots to Asses” Johnson. The basic plot of the movie smacks of the A-Team as the Joes are framed for a crime they did not commit by the President (Secretly Zartan, an undercover agent for Cobra, directly following a plot point in the previous film). The Joes that remain after a brutal attack are charged with clearing their names and kicking Cobra square in the nards along the way. As usual, I’ll pick out some highlights and then offer my opinion on the trailer as a whole. The music is a remix of Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes and the more I listen to it, the most I hate it. I get why it was chosen but another theme would have been preferable.

“You will call me Commander!”

Fresh out of whatever prison Storm Shadow busts him out of in the trailer, we see CC sporting a fresh face-plate that brings to mind his animated counterpart which is a huge step up from that burn victim mask he donned for all of five seconds in the last movie. We see him conspiring with President Zartan and Ray Stevenson, playing a character called Firefly.

See no evil, speak no evil

Ray Park returns as the mute Snake-Eyes and this time he’s got a sidekick in the form of Jinx, a female ninja with a penchant for fighting blind. Literally. There’s an impressive set piece later in the trailer featuring these two in a mountain-side ninja fight which looks particularly impressive. I think we can all agree that the Cliffhanger would have been a far better movie if it had ninjas in it.

The Rock bottom line.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has been a big supporter of the project since he joined to play heavy weapons specialist, Roadblock. With a steady stream of behind the scenes info and pictures, he’s been the guy to follow during development. He seems to have had a blast filming and he seems to be taking a major role in the movie, seemingly leading the remaining Joes in their secret war against Cobra.

In her satin tights, fighting for your rights and the old Red, White and Blue.

Fresh off the set of the failed Wonder Woman series, Adrianne Palicki play Lady Jaye. This films designated totty, she’s a rough and tough Joe who looks great in a dress and…. And…. Dammit all, can I address her mole? It’s not noticeable in motion (She’s also wearing a slinky dress, further distracting the eye) but for a screenshot, all I can see is that mole. Mole! Bloody mole! I don’t want to be talking about the bloody mole, but there’s a bloody mole winking me in the face. GAH!

Mass Hiss-teria!

The most grabbing image of the trailer is the Cobra insignia being unfurled over the White House, revealing the true power behind the President in what is probably the third act of the movie. It’s a striking image and I can’t help but hum the GI Joe theme tune when I see it.

So that’s GI Joe: Retaliation and I enjoyed the hell out of it. The first movie was an enjoyable yet flawed movie and this second outing appears to fix some of what fans complained about first time round. I’m going out on a limb and I’m saying this is a close second to The Avengers for my most anticipated movie of 2012. What did you guys think of the trailer? Let us know bin the comments below. After all, knowing is half the battle!