Geography – Yay For Squares

I wrote previously about this album HERE so for a more in-depth write-up give that link a clink.

Since writing that I have to say that I’ve probably played this album more than any other this year. Between the catchy hooks, exciting riffs, and other phrases that make me sound like an old fart Geography is a stomper of a rock album. Everything I wish the Foo Fighters still were.

Here is “Unwilling, Ungrateful” with a pretty cool video featuring the drummer working on the song from home.

In The Lonely Hour – Sam Smith

Sam Smith has been the revelation of 2014. His debut album has sold over 3 million copies already and has been nominated for two Grammy awards. He is a spectacular vocalist in the style of old soul singers but has featured on many dance tracks. In The Lonely Hour features more a-typical ballads but if Adele can get away with it…

Smith has been ubiquitous this year so you probably don’t need me to recommend him to you as I’m sure you’re probably already aware and have made up your mind either way, but I would suggest to give the album a spin on Spotify either way.

There are probably bigger tracks from the album to put here but I’m going with the one that launched him out of the stratosphere. This is “Stay With Me”.

x – Ed Sheeran

Ed Sheeran is a hard man to pigeon hole. Seemingly equally derided as respected. Hailed as the great white hope of British R’n’B while releasing tween friendly ballads. It’s difficult to know what type of artist he really is.

The answer isn’t satisfying to most of us sarky internet writers who love to turn anything into a punchline. He’s essentially an eclectic singer-songwriter who despite the grammy nominations and huge sales is still under-rated by the general population due to a large and loyal teen fan-base skewing everyone’s image. But he has earned my respect with a keen work ethic and general unwavering ability to write a cracking song.

I expect to someday see “Thinking Out Loud” on top of a list of songs used for the first dance at weddings. Just wait.

Live Well, Change Often – The Minutes

The Minutes are a Dublin based rock and roll band designed to be heard in a sweat-box of a venue at full volume and partial inebriation. It’s the type of band your dad told you he snook into a bar to listen to when he was 17 (and possibly conceived you with your mother in the toilets of said venue).

Live Well, Change Often is their second album and as with most second albums this has gotten slightly less attention because it’s more of the same. Music critics don’t like more of the same from bands because they can’t write anything new about it and therefore don’t write anything at all. I, however, thrive on the ability to repeat myself.

Here is their song “Supernatural” which has nothing to do with gay-baiting sci-fi shows and much more to do with growling guitars and dog moustaches.

Ball Pit by Paul and Storm

The internet’s favourite male duo Paul and Storm are close personal enemies acquaintances of mine. But you can trust me when I say that they put on great live shows and are funny, talented guys. Honest.

This year saw them have a very successful Kickstarter campaign for this album. I doubt any of it’s backers could complain about value for money because it’s a 25 track beast ranging from geeky subjects such as Game of Thrones to creepy subjects like stalking your favourite band.

“This Song” is my favourite of the bunch possibly because it un-ironically works as a great tune, despite the sardonic intention of it’s lyrics.

Ghost Stories by Coldplay

Colplay, somewhat foolishly, before the release of Ghost Stories compared its change of musical direction to Radiohead’s Kid A. Cue acres of derision from music journalists. But here’s the thing, they’re kind of right.

It doesn’t sound much like Kid A, but that wasn’t the point. This is a much subtler musical release from the generally crowd pleasing band. In a way, it’s a return to their quieter debut album Parachutes but with more electronic sounds and a penchant for key changes.

After the almost cartoon-like Mylo Xyloto, this is a welcomed breath of fresh air. I’m sure Martin’s divorce has influenced proceedings, the heartbreak is tinged in every song but I think the progress is more than that. They may be looking to claim back some of the indie cred they had when they started. It’s certainly a step in the right direction.

III by Take That

Eternal pop connoisseurs will remind any Take That nay-sayers that lead singer Gary Barlow has won an Ivor Novello Award for songwriting. Say what you will about boy-bands and their contribution to the music pantheon but Take That have always been a step above the average boy-band, with more hits standing the test of time than most rock bands can claim.

Down to three members, the remaining men have missed no beats. In fact, they’ve added a few with this significantly dance influenced album. There are still a couple ballads thrown in but on the whole this has an 80s electronica feel to it. In fact, I would dare say if Robyn released this collection of songs nobody would notice the difference.

“These Days” is the first release and is catchier than ebola. There are about two more tracks of this level on the album so expect the charts to have a few songs from III in 2015.

White Women by Chromeo

Funk purveyors Chromeo have returned to lift us from our dull lives into the higher echelons of dance-hip-hop ecstasy. With tongues planted firmly in their cheeks, the Canadian duo know how to get your feet tapping.

White Women took an age to release. They teased the album since 2013! With that sort of hype build-up you’d be worried that blue-balls might stop your enjoyment once it finally arrives but Chromeo do their thing consistently and do not disappoint.

“Jealous” is a perfect example of the Chromeo oeuvre. Funky, silly, and begging you to put on your best leather jacket and dancing shoes.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m fond of the stuff I used to like as a kid too, but most people romanticize the crap out of their childhoods as being a time where every cartoon and movie was perfect nothing will ever top it. “Destroying my childhood” is a phrase that pops up every time a reboot of some 80’s or 90’s movie or show comes up; a phrase I absolutely loathe (not as much as “raping my childhood”, but still). Look. We just have to accept the fact that a lot of the stuff we liked as kid mostly sucked. I grew up in the 90’s, and as much as I like to think 90’s cartoons were better, well….they were, I can’t lie. I’ve gone back and watched all the shows I grew up with, 90% still hold up but that’s a topic for another article.
All that being said, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comes out (as of this writing) in 2 days.   Once this movie was announced it’s had the sever misfortune of being skewered every which way from both critics who have every reason to be wary of a movie Michael Bay’s name is attached to, and butt-hurt fans who are fond of their nostalgia glasses. From the “Turtles are aliens now” aspect that has long since been removed, to Megan Fox being cast as legendary figure of all females in fiction and feminist icon April O’Neil, to the redesigned Turtles themselves, to the new tie-in rap “Shell Shocked” (which I’m with you is terrible, but infuriatingly catchy). This movie could make no right step in the eyes of the fans, and it’s not surprising, seeing as how everyone has already made up in their minds to hate it. They’ve seen how Transformers played out, they know the damage Michael Bay can do, and even though it’s been repeatedly stated he DIDN’T DIRECT THIS, his name is critical poison. This movie couldn’t have lower expectations, in fact, there are even those idiots claiming this would kill the franchise dead (a franchise that survived Turtles 3, Next Mutation, We Wish you a Turtle Christmas, and TMNT 2007). This movie could be no-less than Citizen Kane if it was gonna hope to sway the naysayers.

So how does it fair?

Well….It’s okay. Not great, but far from terrible.

It’s sad, because I really wish I could have been jumping for joy and telling you it’s better Guardians of the Galaxy and Captain America 2 and you absolutely have to see it above anything else, but I can’t. It’s just a okay movie, a good movie. Nothing more, nothing less. And truth be told, that’s exactly what I was expecting given the creative team. Look, this was never gonna be a masterpiece, nor was it going to be the movie that killed 30 years of a franchise that started as a parody. All this movie had to be was a fun, 2-hour, distraction that made money. And that’s pretty much what it aspires to be.

FROM THIS POINT ON, THERE WILL BE SPOILERS…

The story is simple…really simple. April O’Neil (played by Megan Fox) is a journalist mostly assigned to fluff pieces who longs to cover real news. She begins investigating crimes committed around the city by the villainous Foot Clan, and ends up stumbling across mysterious vigilantes fighting them who are actually four, six-foot, talking, mutant Turtles who are trained as ninjas. As the movie goes on we learn more about the Turtles origins, April’s past connection to them, and together they battle the Foot’s armored leader The Shredder and his partner, the shady businessman Eric Sachs (played by William Ficthner).

There are no side plots here, or any real character arcs, it sets up a very basic story and stays with it through the end. It’s about as deep as an episode from the cartoon series; The Turtles and April save the city and foil Shredder’s diabolical scheme. It really does feel like the people who wrote this movie really were fans of the original cartoon because that’s exactly what it feels like. It’s pretty corny and is shallow as a kiddie pool, but it’s still fun and entertaining enough. Also, it moves pretty quickly. Once it starts, it doesn’t really slow down. I was actually surprised on how quickly this movie seemed to go by. I was kind of disappointed, but after sitting through 3 hours of the mind-numbing nothing that made up the latest Transformers movie, this was a breath of fresh air. The villains motivation goes no further than “money and power”. The classic vengeance backstory between Hamato Yoshi, Shredder, and Splinter that’s driven the plot of most TMNT incarnations has been replaced here by nothing more than “bad guy out for money”. Hamato Yoshi has been removed from the equation, instead the Splinter learns ninjitsu through…and I’m not kidding..a book he finds in the sewer (still no more ridiculous than a rat mimicking ninja movements from its cage). It’s an odd choice, but if you remember the original cartoon, the vengeance plot line was there either. Like I said before, it feels like an episode of the cartoon. Sachs and Shredder’s plan of unleashing a deadly toxin and selling the mutagen as an antidote is about as complex as putting a mesmorizer device atop the highest tower in the city to control people’s minds. There are a couple of side plots about April trying to find her big story to cover, and Splinter being afraid of letting his sons grow, but later is poorly set up and the former has no satisfying resolution. Once the main plot gets going, everything just gets swept up into it.

Contrary to what some people were predicting, Megan Fox is not the Anti-Christ. This is arguably her best performance, although that’s not saying much. She’s clearly trying, and to her credit, she’s not bad. But still, her talent level is up there enough to make the role more captivating than what is there. She hits her cues fine, but there’s not much she adds beyond “surprised face”. Will Arnett plays her cameraman sidekick Vernon, whose role has been changed from being a cowardly and pompous rival of April that he was in the cartoon, to being a lot more wisecracking and helpful. He’s amusing. He doesn’t steal the show like I hoped he would, but he gets a few good one-liners in there, and serves as a good foil for April. Whoopi Goldberg has a cameo as Bernadette Thompson, the rule 63 version of Burne Thompson, April’s boss from the cartoon. She’s….there.

William Ficthner, as usual, plays the villain. Eric Sachs is a brand new character to TMNT lore. And rest assured he is, at no point in this movie, The Shredder. Ultimately he’s kind of wasted here, as he has no real motivation and never gets any good moments to shine. One has to wonder why he was even created when the character could have been replaced by a character like Baxter Stockman, who is already an established TMNT villain with a lot more potential. I wish he would have been more over-the-top, or had better lines, but he’s just there, as is Minae Noji who plays Karai, who has so little impact on the story I forgot she was even in the movie. Shredder is still the main villain, and for the most part, he’s pretty cool. The armor he’s in looks cumbersome, but he moves like a ninja master should. He’s so shadowy and overly-diabolical it’s kind of funny, but still pretty badass. He even delivers a classic line from the cartoon that absolutely floored me with the delivery. If he had more of a story-arc, he’d be the best movie villain of the year. They may have gone overboard with the design, but when you beef up the Turtles it’s only natural that Shredder gets the same treatment.

Speaking of the Turtles, they are where this movie shines. The Turtles are all perfectly in character. When they’re on screen they quip, the bicker, and the absolutely command the spotlight. They’re never juvenile, or obnoxious, or vulgar like a group of certain giant robots from another Bay-attached film, they’re the same characters we all remember growing up. Leo is the straight-man of the group and the commanding leader. Donnie is the nerdy tech genius spouting technobabble and gets a few good “adorkable” moments. Raph is the snarky and sarcastic tough guy who thankfully doesn’t end up taking over the entire film. He’s not as emo as he was in the original movie, but the seeds are still there. Mikey comes out the best here, as they thankfully make him closer to his Mirage comics counterpart. He’s not hyperactive and spouting surfer slang, instead being more laid-back and actually funny. There’s a running gag with him attempting to woo April that surprisingly doesn’t feel forced and get old, and actually manages to stay both charming and humorous. All the best bits of humor come from the Turtles banter and interactions both amongst themselves and other characters. The actors and animators both deserve a lot of credit for how much emotion they’re able to convey. The designs for the Turtles caught a lot of flack, especially with all the added flair, but not only is it not distracting, they actually work here. They serve as quick visual indicators of each Turtles personalities and give this movie’s Turtles a unique look of their own. Splinter is also on point here, and the movie shows him as both stern and humorous when he wants to be. He’s portrayed as both a caring father and a badass warrior, and the best fight scene in the movie his clash with Shredder midway thorough.

The action scenes are good. My biggest disappointment here is that unlike the previous movies, the “Ninja” part of the title takes more of a backseat to the “Mutant” part. There aren’t really any intricate, well-choreographed martial arts fight scenes, the Turtles kind of plow through the Foot soldiers with sheer strength alone a lot of times. There are some kicks and weapons play thrown in here and there, but these Turtles are so strong it’s a wonder why they even need them. That said, the centerpiece of the movie is a giant chase scene through a snowy mountain as the Turtles, April, and Vernon try to escape a squad of Foot. It’s here where you can see where the budget mostly went. The Turtles are sliding through the snow at high speeds on their shells dodging attacks, flipping around, and bantering all the while. It’s fast-paced, it’s exciting, it’s where both the director and visual effects team sunk their hearts into and it pays off. If there’s any reason to see this movie in 3D, this is it. This movie also does something the original two movies never accomplished; it gives the Turtles an active role in Shredder’s defeat. Unlike the first movie where Splinter had to save them and the second where a pier falls on him, The Turtles, while getting their asses kicked through most of the fight, manage to get the upper hand on the Shredder in the end. I love this because it makes the Turtles look like actual competent fighters who can take care of themselves.

So overall, how does this rank? If Guardians of the Galaxy didn’t come out a week ago, I would have said this was the perfect summer movie, but it’s not bad. It may not have the same depth as Guardians, but has the same level of fun and charm. You can go to this movie with your brain off, and for two hours be entertained. It’s not gonna blow your mind, but it won’t offend you, it’s harmless. Kids especially will love it, and it’s clear they are the target audience here. But there’s enough humor that adults wont mind it either. In terms of other Ninja Turtles movies, it’s actually on par with the first one. Look, remember what I said before about romanticizing our childhoods? Well, time to face facts. The first movie isn’t a great movie either. It throws a lot of stuff at you at doesn’t really bother explain the rationale behind any of its choices, Shredder has less motivation there than he does here, and Turtles themselves are very underutilized. The best storyline in that movie is hands down April and Casey’s relationship as Judith Hoag and Elias Koteas are really charismatic in their respective roles. If your new to TMNT or just not a fan, it’s a very weird movie, but us, the kids back then, we ate it up. That’s ultimately what this movie will be for kids now. It’s weird and goofy, but fun non-threating. People who complain about the CGI over rubber suits need to get over it. Those original rubber suits were clunkly and broke apart a lot. The actors didn’t like being in them. They looked spot-on, but they were a hassle. Plus, this is 20-freaking-14 and movies like Avatar and Rise of the Planet of the Apes exists. Motion capture technology has advanced and this movie uses it to the best of its abilities. If that isn’t good enough for your childhood, well, to hell with your childhood. It probably sucked more than you realize, anyway. If you liked the old cartoon, you’ll like this. If not, the IDW comic and Nick cartoon exist and they’re much better written.

So get some popcorn (or pizza if you’re a purist), sit back, quit your bitching, and enjoy it for what it is.

6 ½ Shells (see what I did there) out of 10.

I’m known amongst my peers as somewhat of a Ninja Turtles connoisseur, so my merciful overlord Aaron has graciously allowed me to cover it for this new installment of Tease Me, Baby.  And truthfully I’ve been waiting for a long while to cover this.  Ever since this movie was announced way back when and Michael BayBLAAA!!@#@#$*KILLRAPECHILDHOODBLAAAAAARRGH!!!

….Sorry, that seems to be the general reaction most people have to his name….and Michael Bay was attached as PRODUCER.  Not director, though this trailer does have a few certain Bayisms.  Needless to say I’ve been curious as to what this movie was gonna look like.  I try not to cry suck at movies before I see them, but with the inclusion of the guy who directed Cash of the Titans being at the helm, I’ve adjusted my expectations accordingly.  But enough jibba jabba, let’s dive into this shell-first.

–WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU MISS O’NEIL

Here we have multi-time Academy Award viewer Megan Fox playing TMNT mainstay April O’Neil.  Her attachment, too, was met with similar rage, but honestly I think she’ll do okay.  April’s role has never been too complex and layered, especially if they’re going by the old cartoon which it looks like they are given that she’s a reporter in the flick.  She’s feisty, adventurous, loyal, and get’s kidnapped a lot.  From all the behind the scenes stills she seemed to be enjoying herself, and reportedly she lobbied hard to get the role, so as long as there’s some personality injected into it, she’ll be fine.  Besides, it’s the Turtles we came to see, so they should carrying the lions share of the film.  Speaking of which…

-THE TURTLES PUCKER UP

Here’s our first true look at the Green Machines in full motion.  From what little we saw, their personalities remain intact (Thank God).  The real differences come in their physical appearances.  These Turtles are…jacked.  They’re big, bigger than ever.  Traditionally they’ve never gone past 5’10, but these Turtles tower over humans and make big thud noises when they land, which given the new origin (which we’ll get to in a bit) and producer, it makes “sense”.  They’ve also seemed to have taken a cue from the new TMNT cartoon and given the Turtles different body types.  Leo has the typical hero physique, Raph is more muscular,  Don is the tallest and lanky, and Mikey is the shortest.  That I really like.  The Turtles also have different attire.  I’m guessing that was done to make them even more distinct than incarnations in the past.  Given that we’ve seen literally thousands of Turtles figures of them wearing battle armor, sports gear, farmer overalls, etc…this isn’t anything new.  Onto the face, the Turtles have…*GASP* LIPS!  …Has the world ended yet?  Nope?  Yeah, go figure.  Honestly the lips aren’t a problem.  I can’t say this for sure, but I’m guessing the lips just made the mouth movements a lot easier to animate.  A human-like mouth is definitely easier to manipulate than a turtles beak.  So the lips, not an issue.  The nose, on the other hand, just looks dumb.  I don’t know why they did this.

-THE FOOT GO COMMANDO

This seems to be a holdover from that god awful script that leaked a year ago.  The Foot are less ninjas now and more black ops soldiers.  Which as I stated before, given the new origin and producer it makes…”sense”

-TURNING JAPANESE…I DON’T THINK SO

So yeah, The Shredder, traditionally Japanese archenemy to the Turtles and Splinter, here is played by traditionally NOT Japanese actor William Fichtner.  This was the bit of casting that made me scratch my head.  But at least the good sense not to put him in yellowface.  He’s playing a new iteration of the character named Eric Sachs.  By the look of that painting he seems to be inspired by the Japanese, though…

Cool armor, bro.

-THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY DON’T ACTUALLY CHANGE ALL THAT MUCH

So the biggest reveal of the trailer is that the Turtles, who look to still be mutants and not aliens so put your pitchforks down, nerds, owe their existence to Sachs and *DUN DUN DUUUUUN* April’s Dad!  This new origin…isn’t really THAT new.  At least if you paid too much attention to the TMNT franchise like certain people that totally aren’t me.  I have a life….

…

Shredder being responsible for the Turtles creation isn’t at all surprising seeing as how he’s always been either directly or indirectly responsible for their existences in every incarnation.  Hell, in the 1987 cartoon he was the one who exposed them to the mutagen (which this movie correctly labels as TCRI and not TGRI).  As for April’s dad being involved, yeah that’s an interesting little twist, though the new IDW comic has seemingly beat them to that, at least in terms of getting it out there.   When it comes to new origins, nothing gets more radical that the IDW comic origin (which involves genetic modification and reincarnation), so this one in the movie is pretty par for the course.  What this doesn’t explain is how Splinter fits into this.  I’m mentally preparing myself for the possibly levels of stupidity this may go to.

-COOL, BUT RUDE

Like I said before, the Turtles personalities seem to be in tact.  There’s a nice little bit where Don whips Raph shell first into a truck in their way, yelling “BATTER UP” beforehand.  This is good indication we’ll get some classic Turtle wisecracks going.  Which is a relief.  They should not try to go full on serious with this.

-OH HAI, BAYCOPTER

It wouldn’t be a Michael Bay joint, produced or otherwise, without his gratuitous military porn and…

BAYSTRUCTION!

What is interesting is that we don’t see what’s actually causing the destruction.  Which could either be saved for a future big reveal, or it might just be that in Michael Bay’s world things randomly blow up.

I’m guessing the latter.

————————————————————————————–

Overall: The extreme secrecy of the movie all this time had me worried, but this new trailer gives off…very slight hope.  As long as they have a good balance of action and comedy, they’ll be able to capture the feel of the original Turtles cartoon nicely.  It’s easy and understandable to be apprehensive about this, and you should, but there’s always hope.  As long as the movie is at least dumb fun, it’s done it’s job.

But above all else remember this, the Turtles have been around for 30 years now.  This movie won’t kill the franchise no matter how sucky it may turn out.

Being a remake, the broad strokes are the same but the details are different. Omni Consumer Products is now simply OmniCorp. There’s a thick atmosphere of drone technology in urban environments, which is a hot topic right now. Murphy’s demise is changed for a more PG audience (and lets face it, that original firing squad shouldn’t scar another generation of children!) and his family seems to be in it much more. The lead is a Thor and Mad Max 4 candidate, Joel Kinnaman and has a star-studded cast to back him, including Gary Oldman, Michael Keaton, Jackie Earle Haley, and Samuel L. Jackson. Let’s take a look at the trailer.

Family Man
One thing I’m interested to see in this movie is Murphy’s struggle to hold onto his humanity, and how his family will impact that journey. His wife and kid seem to be central to that journey and it’s something the original never played with.

Frankenstein’s Monster
Gary Oldman plays Dr. Dennett Norton, the scientist who creates Robocop. He seems a little amoral in parts but redeemable in others so we’ll see how this movie plays out but it’s Gary Oldman, I’m sure he’ll kick ass.

“I only work in black, and sometimes very, very dark grey.”
Michael “Batman” Keaton is supposedly a villainous CEO of OmniCorp and seems to be a shrewd businessman, looking to capitalise on the good press and marketing possibilites of Robocop. In a cool nod, the original armour design shows up in the movie as a kind of Mark I form before various revisions leave us with…

Back in Black
I really dig the armour design. Granted, I really prefer the silver version from earlier but this is just as cool. The stealth aspects could lend to some really cool segments plus I love that he’s more agile now. Such a huge improvement.

“Your move, creep.”
Ol’ Murphy is packing his iconic pistol but he’s still got another thigh for stuff to pop out of so he gets a sub-machine gun for dual-wielding fun!

Fan reaction has already been polarising. Hell, I spent an hour last night arguing with a fellow youtube reviewer over facebook, but I REALLY dig it! I’m pretty hyped and considering that I had no real interest in the movie before this trailer popped up, that’s saying something. Robocop will be hitting theatres Feburary 7, 2014.