There’s our monthly get-together to re-enact the Hunger Games (bandages required for that one, no aiming below the waist). Then our bi-yearly stage production of the Ben Affleck classic, Reindeer Games. This is followed annually by our behind-closed-doors take on The Crying Game twist which, Richard says, I’M NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT.

These aside, we love playing board games. I personally love Risk, Monopoly, Scrabble and the Star Trek: The Next Generation interactive game where you had to play the VHS tape on which Gowron kept belittling you. Now Derby (a city in the East Midlands, for our continental readers!) is hosting their very first ‘Great Derby Board Game Bash‘ – an all day board game extravaganza!

Doom’s very own gaming encyclopaedia, Colin Hall-Williams, and his lovely wife, Sarah will be attending, and, for Doom’s first event of this kind, will be live tweeting throughout the evening to all you enthusiasts.

Want to play along? Keep tabs via Twitter by searching:

#BoardGamesOfDoom

The Great Derby Board Game Bash at The Spot on Saturday, July 12. More details will be announced in due course!

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Photograph supplied by The Derby Telegraph.

Anywho (no pun intended. Unless you chuckled, then yes, completely intended), here’s my take on alternative actors to play the soon-to-be twelfth incarnation of Doctor Who!

Bruce Campbell

Sonic boomstick and chainsaw, anyone? ANYONE?! His companion went bad so he had to lop off her wris—what? Children’s show? Oh. Gotcha. Hmmf!

Maranda Hart

No one can fall over or break the fourth wall better than this lady.

Bill Bailey

He’s very funny, and quirky. Plus, he thinks Babylon 5 is a big pile of sh—-awshank redemption.

Dawn French

LOVES puddles, has charm. Could produce some nicely delivered one-liners.

Keith Lemon

Has a celebrity friend called Holly Willa-boobies. Imagine that as a companion’s name. And no, I shan’t photoshop her. Perv.

Simon Pegg & Nick Frost

Fried gold? Bow ties, fezzes and… cornettos?

Who else?

Do you have any other alternative suggestions? Send them in, to our Bookface page, tweet us or myself – if we chuckle-fart, even a little –  we’ll be sure to post them up!

Doombieville is already seeing enthusiasm from supporters of this little doom-filled site, so if you have five minutes, take a peek, look around, and if it tickles your toes, sign-up – there’s a great group of people already there, waiting to greet you. The Doom crew await you.

Throwing up a little fun. Forget the forthcoming trilogy. Forget Vader’s story. Let’s think beyond. Let’s think… BIGGER!
[poll id=”22″]

Books are great, aren’t they. Total escapism. Some make you laugh, some bring a shiver to your spine while others have the power to make you ponder life and all its bits and pieces. Some even have pictures which you can colour in.

I like those ones best.

And DOOM has the privilege of presenting a sneak-peek of JK’s (writer and illustrator of Sam Legion) first published novel, Six Guns South Part One.

We have it. It’s here. I’m chuffed! So make a warm drink and nestle down. We’d like you to meet Jackson ‘Red’ Horne…

Book synopsis

June 1946. A stolen Chinese freighter sails into the Port of Houston, on board are four soldiers, written off as dead following a covert mission into the forests of Siberia. They quietly accept a hero’s welcome but they never talk about what they’ve seen. They never mention the things they’ve done. The people back home would never believe them. After the fanfare dies down and the ticker tape falls to the ground, they slip back into live less than ordinary- a doctor, a lawyer, a business man, and a cop.

Nearly ten years pass…

Sheriff Benjamin Hoyle is dead, gruesomely murdered on his sister’s front lawn as the day broke on a summer Sunday. A pillar of society and beloved war hero, Hoyle was a man of unimpeachable character- a fair hand in dispensing law, tirelessly committed to keeping the peace and promoting his community.

No one in the sleepy west Texas cow town of Six Guns South could wrap their minds around his death. He had fought his way across Europe and the Pacific without a scratch. To be shot in the head while visiting his widowed sister before church was unimaginable.

But a man’s character is defined by what he does when he thinks no one is looking. And as the investigation digs deeper into the sheriff’s past, more questions are found than answers and the dead bodies begin to stack up like cord wood. What did Ben Hoyle and his men do on that last mission, deep into the Asian continent? Who is hunting down the survivors of that mission and killing them? Why does the military want the investigation stopped, swept away and forgotten?

To Captain Andrew Jackson ‘Red’ Horne, the task should be simple- hunt the killer down and bring him to justice.

But it’s never that easy.

A government agency that does not exist, a man long ago left for dead, and the skeletons in his own closet dog the Ranger’s every step as the murder investigation takes him to the ends of the earth… and beyond.

Six Guns South Book One, Part One: Dead Men Walking is released 2 October.

Excerpt

Thursday August 17, 1955

18:08

The Stylemaster chewed through the farm roads and highways with ease but Red couldn’t help but think he was going to be too late. The sky was turning red and the sun was slipping. He could see lights of the refineries on the edge of southeastern horizon fast becoming visible in the gloaming twilight. With the windows rolled down, he could smell the distinct odor of sulphur on the gulf breeze blowing in across Texas City and Pasadena.

He hated Houston.

The sedan slid to a stop in front of the Gulf Building on the corner of Capitol and Main Street. Red jumped from the car, hurrying inside. The offices had closed at five pm, but as the wheels of industry know no time clock, many people were still coming and going.

The directory in the lobby indicated Brown Coastal and Refining occupied the top four floors- a far cry from the warehouse Lucas Brown was working out of last time Red met the man, some three years ago. A doorman tried to stop him but the Ranger kept on moving into the elevators. He mashed the button for the top and waited for the car to ascend the 37 floors.

Red stepped into the BC&R lobby and immediately went into a crouch. He could see a pair of very fine looking legs laid out on the floor behind the reception desk. He crept to the woman and was relieved to find her only unconscious, a nasty bruise on her temple. Red lightly smacked the woman’s cheek, but the best he could get out her was a slight moan. She had apparently been in the process of leaving when her assailants came in- her purse was on the floor next to her crumpled coat and her keys were clutched loosely in her hand. Red folded the coat around the purse and put the bundle under the woman’s head. It was the best he could do for her at the moment.

He found a set of stairs and sprinted to the top floor. Lucas Brown’s office should be up there, if Red’s intuition was right. He carefully opened the stairwell door an inch or two and listened for a moment. Down the hall, on the west side of the building, he could hear shouts and random gunfire. It sounded like a standoff.

In the back of his mind, he wondered why he couldn’t hear the fighting before exiting the stairs…

Red drew his 1911 from its holster and checked the magazine and the chamber. With the two extra mags in his back pocket, he had twenty two rounds. Should be more than enough, he thought to himself as he stalked towards the firefight.

Lucas Brown’s office occupied the southwest corner of the thirty-seventh floor. There was one door in, one door out. In his personal secretary’s office, three men, Section Eleven goons, were trying to shoot their way in to Brown. They were barricaded behind a heavy mahogany desk, taking pot shots with revolvers. Every time one of them tried to make a move, a shotgun blast would erupt from the office, sending sprays of buckshot and mahogany flying. Two bodies already lie motionless between the upturned desk and the corner office. Red could hear the oilman shouting from the darkened office.

“You bastards seriously think you’re going to take me down? ‘Disappear’ me? I’m Lucas Mother Fucking Brown! I turned down the CMH for killing bastards more worthy of dying than you! You should have brought more than five guys to take me down, you secret squirrel motherfuckers! I’ll kill every Goddamned last one on of you!” Three more rounds of 00-Buck tore through the room punctuating Brown’s last epithet, but in the deafening silence that followed the barrage, everyone could hear the audible click of the twelve gauge dry-firing.

Luke Brown was empty.

As the three surviving attackers jumped up, Red came around the corner, gun raised, ready to put the men down. But then Lucas Brown stepped out of the shadows, carrying a Browning Automatic Rifle. The Ranger dove for cover just as the oilman opened up. The spooks were blown to pieces by a hail of .30-06 slugs. Blood and gore splattered the room, covering everything. Lucas Brown was red from head to toe, smiling like a madman, a fat cigar clamped between his teeth, its aromatic smoke mingling with the stench of gunpowder and death that swirled in the air.

“Anybody else want some?”

Red slowly stepped out from around the corner, both hands raised. Luke’s finger tightened on the trigger, but he relaxed when he recognized the Texas Ranger.

“’Bout goddamn time you got here, Captain Jack. I thought you were coming by on Monday.”

Red put his hands down, hooking his thumbs in his belt, surveying the carnage. “Something came up.”

The oilman slung the BAR over his shoulder and took the cigar out of his mouth. He was about to speak when the lights went out, plunging the interior office into darkness. Red instinctively drew his weapon.

“We need to get out of here. Now.”

“No arguments there, Captain.”

Before the men could move for the stairs, all the windows looking out of Luke Brown’s corner office exploded inward, raining glass across the desk and chairs. Luke spun around, bringing his BAR to bear. Red assumed a fighting stance just outside the room but he couldn’t get a clear line of fire past the oilman into the office- the setting sun was shining right through into the Rangers eyes. All he could make out was a figure in black standing on the giant oak desk in the center of the room.

“You…” Luke whispered to the figure standing as if in judgment, Red could smell the fear rolling off the man- the burly ex-soldier had soiled himself.

The figure in black spread his arms out in front of him, fingers outstretched like the talons of some great bird of prey. Blue flames licked from the man’s fingertips, coalescing in his palms before shooting forth like lightning, exploding all the sprinkler heads in the ceiling. A sheet of water cascaded down over everything in the office.

Luke Brown, soaked in blood and water and his own filth, begin to visibly tremble and shake. The BAR slipped from his hands as his arms pulled in towards his chest, his fists balled so tight, Red swore he saw blood streaming from between the fingers. Incredibly, unbelievably, the man assumed a fetal position, floating in midair, faintly glowing with a purple sheen as the water continued to rain down from the ceiling. Luke Brown made a thin keening through his clenched teeth that crescendoed into a howling wail as the shaking became more violent.

And suddenly, with an audible pop, the man was gone.

Red only waited half a second before his jaw snapped shut and he emptied eight rounds of forty-five auto into the figure standing on the desk. But the man just laughed, leaping backwards out the window as the hot slugs punched through his chest. The Ranger reloaded as he ran through the broken glass, emptying another seven rounds into the man as he fell to street, nearly four hundred feet below.

When he hit the pavement, the man got up, nonchalantly dusting himself off as he walked into the shadows and disappeared from sight- his laughter hanging in the air like the sulphur stink of the refineries to the south.

Red hated coming to Houston.

Six Guns South Book One, Part One: Dead Men Walking

Released 2 October.

Exclusive release on Amazon Kindle (other formats will become available before the end of the year) 99¢ American. Stay tuned for details.

Follow Jackson ‘Red’ Horne on Facebook. Help spread the word.

Potential spoilers ahead.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s head

Se7en (1995)

Hi Brad! Kevin Spacey is such a generous, thoughtful man. After leading Tyler and God on an eventful, fun-filled chase, he thanks them both for being good sports with a gift. And he didn’t just hand it over in the bag the lady at the checkout placed it in. He boxed it up. THAT’s thoughtful.

True fact: After Se7en’s big box office rake, New Line Cinema attempted to cash in further with kids everywhere by producing, the Gwyneth’s head-in-the-box toy. No production photos are available on the net, but just think this.

Hell

Hellraiser (1987)

Forget those sunny by-the-beach cut price holiday deals. Want something new? A gallery of holiday snaps to really shake up your Facebook profile? Then solving the puzzle box is for you. It’s a key to the entrance to Hell. And the best part of the holiday – you know exactly what you’re getting, so if it’s actually fun, it’s a bonus! I hear some of the tourist attractions are amazing. Some rides may have minimum height restrictions. Closed on Sundays.

A bunny

Con Air (1997)

The end of Con Air grates with me. The bunny is burnt, filthy, narrowly misses floating down a drain entrance, covered in germs – and Cameron Poe still hands it to his baby daughter. You know what that kid is going to do now? She’s going to put her fingers in her mouth. And after the cops have quizzed Cameron all night, he’s going to take his wife and daughter to some late night McDonalds and eat. With their hands. His daughter will probably even feed some to the bunny, then eat those fries for herself. I mean really, is that responsible parenting?

But going back, yes, there’s a bunny. In a box.

Imaginary friend

Drop Dead Fred (1991)

I watched this film many times as a youngling. I can still hum the theme. I also quoted ‘cobwebs’ at an age when I really shouldn’t have. But hey-ho, when Pheobe Cates finds a taped up jack-in-the-box in her childhood bedroom, she releases Fred, her forgotten imaginery friend. Madness ensues. Bogies are flicked. Princess Leia’s battleship is sunk. Rik Mayall rules.

True fact: A remake was announced in 2011, to star Russell Brand, who before filming can start I hope will himself be placed in a box. And buried. Forever. It’s best for everyone.

Pop-up flowers

Batman (1989)

Jack is such a charmer. He’s also a man of many sayings. His Batman best: Never rub another man’s rubarb. I’m sure he’s referring to Vivki Vale when preaching to Bruce Wayne, but another side of me likes to think he was giving out a cracking gardening tip. What psychopathic super criminal doesn’t have a vegetable patch? They need a healthy diet too. It’s important to have, y’know.

Fun fact: This Batman quote actually has its own Facebook page. I didn’t like it. And I’m not sure you should either.

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Any other boxes out there? Leave a comment and share it with us!

Sidenote: I feel quite proud that I didn’t have to resort to box puns in this article… I could have folded. Flapped around with them. Sealed my fate. Made a reference to cardboard acting, failed to think outside the box, forced myself into a corner.

Aaand, I’m done.

Sorry.

I still record stuff on VHS tape. Yes, I still have a VCR player. It’s in good condition, and still even has the colour coded stickers I placed beside several buttons, when I left instructions on how to record Dawson’s Creek while I ventured to America – eleven years ago. I’m fond of those stickers. Now, I can kind of guess what you’re thinking. Yep. Dawson’s Creek. Hey, don’t knock it! It was wonderfully written. The show had charm, and the theme was, well, see for yourself!

After having so much fun reveiwing The Thing, I’m attempting it again, this time with found VHS footage from the 80s. No, it’s not a review of Road Kill: Caught on Tape, but the next installment of the now-seasonal Halloween franchise, Paranormal Activity.

Paraspoilers ahead!

Behold, the trailer for the second sequel which is also a prequel of an original movie which was filmed in the director’s own house!

– ‘Katie, Kristi, say hi to the camera.’

Oh, and Katie, see your sister – she’s going to marry a guy who’ll try to save his wife by passing over the demon onto you. You’ll kill your partner, then your sister’s husband, then your sister. And steal their baby. That’s right, YOU’RE A BABY STEALER!

– I want my baby back, baby back.

Ribs.

This just popped into my head.

… Sorry.

– ‘Do the knock again.’

In the 90s I once tried to start a new dance craze called, the Knock. It unfortunately came to nothing – and got me barred from several establishments. But at this point in the trailer, I’m already getting that freaked out feeling. I’m a wuss. (What did you expect from a fan of Dawson’s Creek.) She’s knocking on the mirror… and something is replying!

– ‘Oh my god’

Aerobatics on show. Nice balance. Fine technique. Good jump.  An 8.5, easy. Kind of freaky, too.

– ‘Have the protocol droid’s mind wiped.’

‘He’s my friend, insists Kristi.

In PA1, it’s noted that something happened to the sisters when younger. In PA2, Katie mentions how she remembers Kristi crying all the time, and Kristi says she hardly recalls anything at all. Just how traumatic must the events in this film be to wipe their memories?

– ‘He’s standing right next to you.’

Difficult to capture this sequence in images. In an effort to prove a point, Kristi hurls a glass of water which collides with something standing next to them. The stool then goes one way, the bed moves and objects go flying.

Sod that!

– That drawing is rubbish!

Look at it! It’s naff!

– Head banging against the table.

Which, coincidentally, steals a page from my aforementioned failed dance craze. This guy starts being attacked by the demon. Looks like this installment is throwing away all subtleness and just going for it now.

– ‘Did you hear that? It’s ok.’

Um, no it bloody isn’t. There’s a malevolent demon out to get us… and it’ll continue for two more films!

– ‘Just get in the car and drive.’

Dammit, dad, mum’s doing her Frankenstein routine again!

No, it’s not some ill-timed humour by their mother, but the unfortunate parent being yanked off her feet. It’s grainy, blurry, and VHS-y. I liiike it!

– To sum up.

I’m game. Expect more of the same from this installment, which isn’t a negative comment. You know what you’re getting. Some shocks, some jiggly camera work, and Oren Peli, the writer/director of the first film gratefully still remains involved. Minus his house.

Future title idea: Para4mal Activity!

Get it?

Anyone?

No?

Dust.

Sometimes I look at my toothbrush and think, you’re named wrong. I mean, no one ever says, I’m going to go brush my tooth. Unless, well, you do actually have only one tooth. I’m confident in saying most of us have more than one little calcified stump, therefore it should be called a teethbrush. It’s probably just me, and this has absolutely nothing to do with this month’s poll. I’ve literally just brushed my teeth. I wouldn’t ponder this for long, but rather, bear with me as Aaron is off gallivanting around Dragon*Con *naked, I’ve been handed the reigns to come up with this month’s poll.

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Last month DC and Marvel went toe-to-toe, and your votes were split in deciding who struck the Balboa killer blow. From here on, both companies will live in harmony, as equals. That’s right, the battle is over, but the galaxy spanning adventures of the Transformers will continue and the greatest Autobot of them all; Optimus Prime, will retur—what? Oh, sorry. Geek tangent. Poll. Right. Ok.

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This month, DOOM! has a franchise related question for you: which is the best horror franchise of recent times? Yes, this would be perfect for October, but it’s September – you see we like to be the early bird… because we like worms. Or something. This made sense in my head five minutes back.

Have at it!

[poll id=”11″]

* Did I say naked? He probably isn’t, but then again, I’m not there, so I can’t rule out the possibility that he is.

I love The Thing. In fact, a few friends and I get together monthly and have a bit of a movie night. This month, it’s my turn to pick a film. Coincidentally, it’s this movie that I’m showing. I think it’s a great little flick. My feelings on this new prequel/companion piece are mixed. I can be swayed, but prequels in general aren’t, well, just that… my thing.

I should say here, if you haven’t seen The Thing ’82, spoilers may be hangin’ around.

In 1951 Howard Hawks turned the story, Who Goes There? by John W. Campbell, Jr. into the movie, The Thing from Another World. In 1982, John Carpenter took a stab at remaking the film and delivered a recognised genre classic. A science-fiction horror oozing with suspense and paranoia, solidly led through-out by his usual leading man, Kurt Russell.

Once or twice it was mentioned Mr. Carpenter had a sequel idea, but the project never took off. It was then announced, albeit minus Carpenter, that a prequel had been green-lit. Pretty irrelevant if you’ve seen Carpenter’s The Thing. We know what happens. Well, we mostly know what happens. Looks like the blanks, whether we want to know or not, are going to be filled in.

Behold, the trailer for a prequel to a remake of an original movie based on a book!

– ’48 hours ago, we found something quite remarkable.’

Really? Wow. I’ve been following Miss Winstead’s career since 2005’s Sky High. The lady is gorgeous. And talented. Look at her filmography to da—oh. You were referring to the alien you just discovered. Not Mary. Right. Gotcha. Sorry.

– We’ve been here before.

Back in 1982 with MacReady and co. I have to admit, it’s exciting to go back to the Norwegian camp and see what went down. Hopefully, they made more snowmen than Kurt’s crew – the only thing lacking from the first film. Seriously, who wouldn’t build a giant Optimus Prime snowman with all that snow?

– ‘I’m going to take a tissue sample.’

Good idea. Why don’t we also throw down some electric blankets. Make a fire. Chip a few chunks off for our ice teas. Y’know, the usual stuff. I’m sure tampering with the frozen alien will do no harm. Nope. No harm at all. More ice, anyone?

Actually, at this point in the trailer, I find the tone is pretty spot on.
– Row, row, row your boat.

Altogether now! Yes, even you. Yes, you at the back. SING, DARNIT!

– ‘Did you hear that?’

Ah, the dogs are back. Nice little clip put in here for fans of the original. Also a nice hint as to how the film will transition from final scene to closing credits.

– Staff announcement: Clean-up to aisle five.

I find there’s a good build up of atmosphere in the trailer. Something John Carpenter was a master of in most of his films. At this point, there’s little to no CGI, and it’s clear the film (or I should just say at this point, the trailer) isn’t going for cheap shocks tactics.

– ‘Somebody was attacked. But it seems, everyone is fine…’

Someone’s paranoid! This clip is also reminiscent of the original. Looks neat, though. Look at that… that… THING!

 – ‘What are you saying? Not all of us are human.’

When in doubt, flame-thrower each other. Not singing any more jolly songs now, are we!

– ‘We can’t let this thing leave. If it makes it out of here, lots of people could die.’

I get the film and trailer needs something to aim for. But again, we know it’s a prequel. We know, for the most part, how this ends. If I were these guys right now, I’d just concentrate on those snowmen.

– CGI

Looks okay. Hope they keep it to a minimum. We don’t need any big set pieces, but lots of dollops of atmosphere. Paranoia should be the aim of this game.

– To sum up.

Prediction: some potential. It’s not the re-imaging I was sure I’d see. I thought maybe some ice gags, maybe a Vanilla Ice track thrown in. An updating aimed for teenagers. Yes, I was fearing the worse. This teaser surprisingly holds early promise. Admittedly, there’s little chance it’ll hit the same notes as the original. I can accept that (and ignore it if it fails.) But it could be fun. I’m eager to see what else the follow-up trailer(s) provides.

I still maintain Thing 2: Thingier would have been a better title.

I’m not a fan of cars, not real ones anyway. I’ve never been overly interested in high velocities or how many horses-to-the-power a vehicle can go. As long as a car has an airbag and will get me and my limbs safely from C to D, I’m thankful. Movie cars however, I love. The Delorean, The Tumbler, Ecto-1 – all wonderful motion picture creations.

But what about those vehicles that possibly just miss out on all those ‘best of’ lists floating around the interwebby. Here’s a break down of a few I like (in no particular order) – hope you enjoy!

M577 APC (Armoured Personnel Carrier) Aliens (1986)

Pretty much everything in Aliens looks awesome. LV-426, The Sulaco, the dropship – and the Amoured Personnel Carrier is no exception. It’s just a beast. I’m betting its horn is EPIC.

The Argo ATV (All Terrain Vehicle) Star Trek Nemesis (2002)

You mean we’re still using vehicles with wheels in the 24th century? Well, yes, but this one has two perks; it has a phaser canon strapped to it, and it’s driven by Patrick Stewart, who, as we know, can drive what he likes, regardless of the century. Because he’s the captain.

Centauri’s Space Car The Last Star Fighter (1984)

Robert Preston’s last role in a theatrical film before his death was a memorable one. He drove this gem. He could also take his face off.  Literally, Cage/Travolta style.

Dead Reckoning Land of the Dead (2004)

A heavily armored vehicle that mows down zombies both with its sheer force and devastating ammunition. Also provides firework displays for fêtes and various other events on the weekends.

The cool vehicle from Tango & Cash (1989)

I’ve always felt Warner Bros. missed a trick with a potential franchise here. People would have flocked due to the names alone. Pepper & Change. Pepsi & Coins. Sprite & Moolah. Anyone? ANYONE?!

Back to the vehicle, it has a gatling gun bolted to its side = WIN!

EM-50 ‘Urban Assault Vehicle’ Stripes (1981)

Disguised to look like a large recreational vehicle (specifically, a late 70s GMC motorhome) – this is possibly the army’s cleverest idea ever after promoting Bilko to Sergeant. As I was unable to find a video of the vehicle in action, please instead enjoy Bill Murray and Harold Ramis singing.

Ford Anglia Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

IT’S MAGIC AND FLIES, PLUS IT’S REAL!!

I feel I don’t have to expand further on this.

The Griswald’s Wagon Queen Family Truckster National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983)

Gotta love the Griswalds. Gotta love their car exploits. There were a few videos to pluck from, but I got side tracked and this clip always makes me giggle. Contains swearing.

Other notable mentions go to Blade’s 1968 Dodge Charger, Officer Murphy’s Ford Taurus and Optimus (both the ’86 movie and current franchise) Prime.