Reluctant Anime Reviews: Astarotte’s Toy
We here at The Website of DOOM pride ourselves on being at the cutting edge of pop culture. Our staff handpicks and laboriously crafts the quality content that reaches your computer monitor. However, researchers in the lab have found we have a deficiency in anime-focused content. This is mostly because a lot of anime is creepy, and nobody at DOOM wants to go near it. Fortunately, “want” has nothing to do with our new project. We drafted (read: forced) resident hermit, and part-time artist Isaac to watch anime. The programs will be selected at random using a highly sophisticated process, and he will be forced to watch them from beginning to end, no matter how weird they are, how uncomfortable they make him feel, or how likely it is the police will show up at his door. After his viewings, he will provide us with an article reviewing the program he just watched.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Astarotte’s Toy
Last week, I asked my friend Ash to find the worst-looking anime possible. He succeeded with flying colors. He did such a good job, in fact. I hate him for it. His decision cast me into a cesspit of paedophilia and creepiness the likes of which I’ve never seen. This is Astarotte’s Toy.
Lotte is a ten-year old succubus princess in the Monster Realm. Her tutor is pressuring her to begin building a harem, so she’ll have a constant supply of the “Life Seed” she needs to consume in order to survive (when she gets older.) Lotte hates men after an incident in her childhood, where she saw her mom have sex. In order to get out of dealing with men, Lotte tells her tutor that she will build a harem, if she can find human males (which haven’t been seen in years, since they live in another realm.) This gambit backfires, however, because before long the tutor brings Naoya to the Monster Realm to join the harem. Ten- year-old Lotte’s harem. TEN.
Replace “Milk” with “Bleach,” and I’m right there.
Naoya is 23 years old. Coincidentally, Naoya has a 10 year-old daughter, named Asuha. I’m going to let you do the math there. Turns out Lotte’s mom, The Queen, banged Naoya when he was 13, and had Asuha. She sent this daughter to the Human World to prevent her and Lotte fighting for the throne, because that’s what you do when you love your children; you banish one of them forever. What point does this serve? It’s just a single episode plotline, and is hardly mentioned again. However, I digress. Stupid stuff happens, and creepy romance ensues.
This show made me feel dirty. It should make everyone feel dirty. I hope even reading this review makes you feel dirty. There is not a single valid reason in all of creation for this show to exist. Usually, I try not to pass judgment on fans of something, but here I draw the line. Anyone who enjoys Astarotte’s Toy needs serious help. It is not OK to see prepubescent anime girls in lingerie and revealing outfits, and be fine with it.
TEN YEARS OLD.
The sexualization in this show is shameless. Astarotte’s Toy is completely fine with its paedophillic overtones, and in fact seems to be proud of them. It is unabashed glorification of a disgusting mental illness. Astarotte provoked such revulsion and hatred in me; I felt the need to plant flowers and pet puppies, just to remind myself of the beautiful things in life.
“It’s gross” is my point here, basically.
Jiggly-boob banana rafts. The mark of true quality.
Nothing happens in Astarotte’s Toy. I can sum up the entire plot in one sentence: “A 23 year old falls in love with a 10 year old. They probably bang.” I say probably, but “most assuredly” seems to be a better term. The show makes it clear in the final scene that Lotte is going to go through puberty soon, and will need to extract Naoya’s “Life Seed” to live.
… Excuse me, I need to vomit.
Now that I’m back from the mental ward, let’s continue. What are the characters in Astarotte’s Toy like? Are they characters at all? Short answer: No. Long Answer: Hell No with a dollop of putrid NOPE on top. Lotte’ is a generic mess of man-hating clichés, Naoya is a slightly effeminate cardboard cutout with no personality. Asuha doesn’t like to wear panties. Seriously, that’s her only real defining character trait. Everyone else is just background fluff for this toxic mess.
The forks are over there, whenever you’re ready to gouge your eyes out.
Shows like this are what makes people avoid anime. It’s so self-serving and completely uninterested in doing anything but fulfilling its sick fantasies. It is devoid of any heart or real meaning. Astarotte’s Toy brings down the medium as a whole, just like how an offensive comic book or video game degrades their respective medium. This is a stain not only on anime, but on humanity in general.
I have absolutely nothing positive to say about the show. The animation and voice acting were mediocre at best, but even then; I was too busy covering my eyes in horror to really pay attention. There are hardly any moments of Astarotte’s Toy that weren’t “provocative” shots of little girls. In fact, the paedophile fanservice is so constant and gratuitous that all the weird sex stuff involving the adults come as welcome respites.
This little girl is wearing a maid outfit. Why? Because screw you.
There’s a Cow Demon who produces milk from her big boobies. The Tutor is a dominatrix with a collection of various restraints and sex toys. In one episode, Naoya develops what can only be described as “Boner Fever:” a sickness stemming from a buildup of his magic “Life Seed.” You know what? I didn’t have the energy to react to those things with the anger and exasperation they deserved. Somewhere around the twentieth reference to a little girl giving a grown man a blowjob, I zoned out.
No joke, they must use the phrase “Suck him off” more than 20 times in the show. Every one hits like a brick to the face, even though it is played for comedy.
I… I just can’t…
I want you to think for a moment, and understand that time and money went into this. People spent precious hours of their life manufacturing and consuming this crap. People paid for this! Somewhere, Astarotte’s Toy has provided masturbatory fuel for someone. Take a moment, and let that sink in. I’ll wait.
After finishing the show, I felt oddly tranquil. Astarotte’s Toy drained every last drop of fury and madness from my body. The wellspring of rage in me was run dry by this stupidity. I felt like a new man after plunging into the deepest depths of depravity, and returning. So, I guess that is a positive, in the same way baptism by fire can be considered a positive
You may be asking: Why did I continue watching Astarotte’s Toy, if it pained me so much? I did it for you, dear reader. I hope that my anger and pain translates into laughter and entertainment for you. Watching every minute of that show ensured that my vehemence was pure for this article.
Simply put: I don’t wuss out.
NEXT TIME: TENCHI MUYO
